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#418507 - 12/08/12 10:13 AM Trying to be more Present
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hi all,

I just returned from a two night get away with my wife. Most of are growth as a couple happens when we get off togeather by our selfs. I am trying to become a more supportive husband and am starting to get half good at beaning a person and showing up in the marriage. That may be giving my self to much credit.

It's the showing up part that I have a hard time doing and then, not for any leanth of time especially when we are back in our regular routine. I am a dreamer a self appointed philosopher, I live in my head. Turns out that's not working well for would be friends and family and I thing it's also a big part of the socialy awkward thing I have going. I am, at age 50, just realy beginning to see and understand this. I realy want to change this part of a very old defense mechanism. A defense mechanism that is a big part of who I am.

Anybody figured this out?

It seams I have two categories of thoughts, those I talk about and those I don't.
The second category seams to be growing.

Take care, M

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#418516 - 12/08/12 12:29 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
Hey there,

Best advice I can give is to 'shout, shout, let it all out'. Let out all the demons in your head and heart. Do it here, or with a therapist, or with confidants. But don't hold onto anything inside of you.

"You're as sick as your secrets"

Another thing that I am also learning (which you are asking about) is that to live in my head is a detriment to my enjoyment of living life and connecting with others. I'm learning that I need to follow my heart, and let go of my expectations (thinking).

I've created a new mantra for myself - Live in the present, follow my heart, and let go of the rest. I get into trouble when my mind tries to 'figure it out' and tries to force solutions and control and manipulate and worry. When I act out of fear (mostly driven by thinking) then I am cutting myself off from all the possibilities that might make themselves available to me if I were to follow my heart.

But how do I know what is in my heart? That's another great question and another subject. Sometimes, I have been able to discern when it is an ego driven desire as opposed to a heart inspired longing. It has to do with resonance. When I sense a longing of my heart, there's a resonance that occurs, and it moves through me.

I wish I had better words to describe this, or wiser words to share with you. But I'm on the same journey you're on, and that's what I've found so far.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#418534 - 12/08/12 07:36 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:16 PM)

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#418552 - 12/09/12 12:28 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Thanks guys,

I can't tell you hou much of a need your wisdom, story's and encouragement has met for me. So many thought and fealings. I usually shoot them down before they get off the ground but I am starting to let a few of them fly around a bit. Right now I am thankfully and I feal like I belong to something real and true when I interact with you all.

Been a bit of a crazy day for me. I walked in a walkathon to be with and to support my wife in some of her goals. So many people. I could not stay present. Numbed out, checked out. That fealing of sufication and dread just .. 15 mins in I started to relax a bit. It seamed like everyone belonged there excepted me. They were having fun. I wanted to disappear.

I want to keep doing things to be with and support my wife and I will.
But man that took a lot out of me. 12 hours later and I am still fealing the trama of the morning. Next time will be easer at least I will know what to expect and will be able to mentally prepare.

It seams I want to minimize all of my fealings and difficulties.

I ganed so much today reading and sharing, some light went on for me. I see new thing and I have new insight and hope.

At peace in my sole,
Take care all, M

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#418558 - 12/09/12 01:42 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
It seams I have two categories of thoughts, those I talk about and those I don't.
The second category seams to be growing.


i lived that "double life" for a long time, too, SmartShadow. there was definitely lots more going on inside my head than was evident on the outside. at first, when i was starting to deal with the issues, i just couldn't let it out. my wife wanted to be supportive, but i had perfected such a habit of secretivity that i didn't know how to "show up in the marriage" as you so aptly put it.

here's what helped me - my T encouraged me to write out my memories and thoughts and even feelings. this took a lot of time, but also made me examine and identify and put it all into words - which helped me understand what was going on - instead of a confusing chaos of mixed emotions, images, half-formed ideas and reactions. once i had made sense of things - i could read the resulting journal entries to the T and i increasingly was able to read more of them to my wife, too. she appreciated being included in the process.

i have continued to write as i get better at figuring things out - but i no longer have to take so long to analyze what is happening and interpret it for myself or for my wife and/or the T. i am improving at having a shorter time lag between my reactions and identifying the thoughts or emotions and putting it all into words. in fact i rarely have to read anything to anyone. i can just say it with more comfort and self-confidence and composure.

it might help.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#418590 - 12/09/12 01:30 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hello all,

I am working on grounding my self a lot today. Lots of triggers and a desire to medicate. I have learned to ask my self the question "what am I realy fealing" when I find my self agitated and turning towards the long path of my addiction. I use to think I could just go a little way down the path and not end up in the hellish chamber of my abuse. The path is deceptive even now.

What I am realy fealing is a great deal of sadness.

I read a lot of your story's and posts and It has so much of my pain and loss woven into it. I want to reach out to others but I think I need to reach out to my self. I think I need to cry for my self, for the part of me I locked away with the iner chaos.

Well that helped. I seam to have a better grasp of reality all of the sudden.
I am going to church with some family soon. It been to long. I have a hard time distinguish one day, week, month, year from the from the next. Doing regular activitys helps give me reference points. Church is one of things that stands out and helps measure the routine. I don't like to go along with the crowd. But as I have aged I find I am changing my ways.

Bless all of you and may peace and love find a way into our souls today.



Edited by SmartShadow (12/09/12 01:31 PM)

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#418592 - 12/09/12 01:38 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
My day died a year ago from cancer. Still working through it.

Though I needed to say that. Been hard to fit it into the conversation.

M


Edited by SmartShadow (12/09/12 01:38 PM)

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#418610 - 12/09/12 05:12 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:17 PM)

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#418611 - 12/09/12 05:17 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:17 PM)

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#418681 - 12/10/12 08:13 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Trying to hard to be relivent here. You guys are the best. I try to imagin you in real life. And I wish you well and all the best. I am a real mess and I need to get some help. You helped me come to understand how isolated I am as a person. I can not trust. I mean that's the bind. I don't risk fealing at a deep level. I am not a real boy. I am trapped in a ferry tail. My life is not falling apart, but may be it needs to. I have held it to togeather for my kids and family. Not so much my wife, I thing she would prefer me to fall apart so I could get better. Maybe she knows something I don't. I can't trust people. How can this even be an option. It's not, but if I were to let go and fall apart I would want to sleep for a long long time. Don't get me wrong, I love life. I went through depression, wished it was all over for about 2 to 3 years. One realy realy bad year in realy what was a ten year stretch of depression. I am not depressed any more. I have experance a lot of spearitual healing. I need to find a way to trust people. Maybe that's what I am doing here. I was young,maybe 2 or 3 my dad attacked my brother not csa just rage and trauma. Nothing was real or safe from then on. Rage anger hate. I went inside. Deep inside. I am trapped inside my own self. Don't know if this even makes sence. I want out.

Thanks for letting me rant

Just venting

Peace to all,
mike

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#418698 - 12/10/12 09:21 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
Everything here is relevant; anything you say is part of your process of trying to cope with your abuse and the damage that was inflicted on you. Youíre not a mess, you know you need help; youíre here after all. Isolation in the face of everyone around you, you cut everyone off, that way you donít have to feel, just exist just going through the motions hoping one day itíll all be over? Same here for me just being able to ramble and waste bandwidth on MS means a lot, being able to say things to people that youíve never told a soul and might never tell anyone else, itís a liberating experience not sure who (on MS) sorry canít remember right now but said something to the effect that just being able to write concisely about your feelings is very therapeutic, isnít it? You have to examine them as you; right, you have to be honest with yourself, youíll actually be able to look at yourself in the mirror 1 day without trying to turn away. See thatís why I could no longer deny my abuse, I could no longer live with things Iíve done to those I loved, and in order to make things right, as right as I could, I had to face all my demons, not just the abuse but all the family issues, all the pain Iíve caused people, not just emotional mind you but physical as well, I never beat the kids or the wife but I hurt lots of people, I even stabbed a guy. I had to accept who and what I was so I could share, so I could learn things that I should have learned growing up, sex does not equal love, love does equal trust.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418738 - 12/10/12 02:38 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Yea, this just wrighting whatever come. What ever is going on is therapeutic. I think I am realy cut off from my self to a point of not even knowing it. As I get it out and risk pushing the submit button it becomes real some how. I go back and read some of what I wrote as I review your feedback and it's like I am getting to know myself. I am working hard at tuning in around my family and that's paying off. I am starting to read your abuse story's and it is so heavy what has happen to so many of us. I keep thinking my story is no big deal compared to some of your story's. But the effects in my life tell me I must be mistaken. I am starting to realize it was not just one event but a patern of abuse and trauma that set me up for csa. I think I was around 14 but I can't put the time line togeather vary well. my reaction was so extream it was all I could think about. My life became only about coping. The early ca traumatic events prepared a way for me to split off from myself. When the csa happened I split in two. No more me I realy did become we.
I can't believe I am actually writing this. Well it is true. My early trauma taught me how to disappear into my own world. The cas fractured it all to hell. Even my iner safe world went to hell. No more safety any were. I had to becom a fortress and learn how to protect my self from every one every thing even my self. That was long ago and I can't be hurt any more but the fortress remains and part of me can't seam to walk out in to the sun. This part of me looks out for the fortress. And keep watch over the land from the safety of the keep. Of corse none of this is real and yet it is somehow. I would like to "un split" but the parts don't seam comparable. Like oil and water. No that's not it I am fine if I, or we combine in the fortress of my sole. But I have only let my wife come close to me there on rare ocation. When we go away some ware and I drink. It's like I get the guard drunk and I can show her a side of my self that even I really see. These times seam to bring us closer as a couple. I wish I could just be that person all of the time. On second thought no I don't. Highly unpredictable and random. He talked about the word love being a broken word and other ramblings of the hart. Can't say I disagree with that but it must all be taken with a grain of salt. What ever that means.

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#418740 - 12/10/12 02:46 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I don't see my self as one who has mpd, but that being said. Something's clearly not right with me.

I am thinking this will all work out as I get into wrighting out my story or working it out with a T.

Just reflecting on the next thing

Peace to all, even to the parts of us yet free and whole.

M.

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#418813 - 12/11/12 12:08 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
SS see I think if I were ever to see a shrink I would more than likely be diagíd with DID, see Iím like ďcanít_rememberĒ Iíll never remember like that itís like flipping through a photo album, page after page of photos of me being raped or betrayed, for me that doesnít matter, what matters is that I accept who and what I am now, and that I feel whole again. Iím in the process of putting everything right in my life by me, not someone elseís effíd up standards. Iím finally able to think of myself first not selfishly but in normal terms, 40+ years of PTSD, and itís finally over, except I have to tell mom to go to hell! See I have flashes of my past, itís like pictures, I hear voices also, things they said, I never said a word.

Dude you are ďright in the headĒ no one knows what another goes through and in a childís mind, you do what you have to survive. See for me little chris died before he could find out he was alive, little chris put me together to face the challenges of the world, I could have done better, but Iíve realized I donít want to be anywhere but right where Iím at. little chris was so tortured that when he created Cee, Cee had to trust, couldnít love, could only explore the dark emotions but I could trust, blind trust thatís what the perp said, just like I liked it, so I was a ďsissyĒ I was this mish-mash of a person, until I could see I was so much more, until I knew ďno one could do me no harmĒ once I was over the fear it was all downhill for me. I could finally see myself, I knew little chris was dead, but he conceived me in an act of survival, an act of love, it was his only way out, and to protect me from harm he waited 40+ years to talk to me, itís so sad, he never had a chance at ďnormalcyĒ but I can cry for him, he never could, hell I never cried until a couple of months ago, and I think thatís why I can do it now itís over finally over for me.

Good Luck!!!
Cee

Btw its weird Iím in Seattle right now?
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418827 - 12/11/12 04:23 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay cee. Thanks for normalizing this for me a bit. I don't have the time right now but I will respond to your post a bit later. I think you have given me a real direction to think towards.

Peace hope and life to all of us, m

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#418894 - 12/12/12 08:05 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay cee
Hope all is well with you

Yea so the DID assessment is righ. I went through this about six years ago.
Looked into the idea of mp and low and behold I started talking to my self or parts of my self. They did all of the talking, fealings thoughts emotions. It was wild. Animated fragments of the mind. I gave them a voice and the would not shut up.
In my head was life hope fear dread good and evil. Got a bit out of control for me.

I went to a T who was well quite gifted. 6 session later and some home work and the voices and a lot of negative thinking was gone.

A few days ago I started rambling here. And this is the stuff that came out.

Ok good to know what's just under the surface.

I was afraid today. I have always wanted to know what's under the hood. But

The T closed some door, did some time with the little iner child, made him safe.

Things are nicely tucked in. So I conclude I keep it that way.

My wife dose not need another go around like the last time I looked under the hood.

My loving wife want me to do what ever it takes to get whole but that could kill me. That's a lie but it look like I still believe it.

Oh we'll, shutting the hood for now anyway.



m

btw
my wife told me tonight that I have been acting like a ten year old the past few days. Made me laugh. I have just been working on being more present and real.

All is well with me.

Take care

Also - I am starting to trust thanks to all of you and yes thanks to this ms forum.



Edited by SmartShadow (12/12/12 08:40 AM)

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#418895 - 12/12/12 08:10 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Just read my last post sound nice but the truth is this ca venom is stuck in my head and is slowly killing me. Time to stat working on this stuff for real this time.



Edited by SmartShadow (12/12/12 08:11 AM)

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#418908 - 12/12/12 09:45 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
SS itís so fucked up how delusional we get check out: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=418902&#Post418902
See and at the same time I know Iím still trying to push the wife out the door or more importantly get her to throw me out. Never really acted out, just I can really relate to the 10 year old reference, man Iíve acted like a 2 year old most of my life. People just canít imagine what the mind can come up with to keep on keeping on. Just like I posted know I would give up everything to be normal, to not know this shit, to not know the betrayal or how fucked up my family was because of one sick man (grandfather), and just be normal, you wonder not only who little SS/chris was but who you would have been what could you have done? Cause I know what Iíve accomplished as a survivor but what more would have been available to me? I know its wishful thinking just that this shit destroyed all of you, forced your mind to create the current you just to survive the ordeal. I have whole memories and then nothing, of being with one set of in-laws when my mother and her mother went to Hawaii and then nothing; the last time I talked with my dad before he died I asked him what happened cause I couldnít remember and he told me I stayed with his parents, and I felt that fear, he couldnít even look me in the eye as he said this. O man the fear growing up, even the dream of salvation was real, just that I couldnít say a thing, I could never tell anyone, so even after they found out, they did try, just wrong place and wrong time, not hard enough and besides they never cared anymore anyway, I was damaged, I couldnít be normal, hell I couldnít even remember, but it didnít matter they all knew what happened, my cousin came home early from school, she was sick and we lived right across the street, and saw me sucking his dick. My life was over for them, they stopped caring, after that it was all about appearances until I left home @14, they really never were a part of my life again until my dad was dying of cancer and was trying to tell me he was sorry. Now my mom is all alone and is trying to get close to me, sorry bitch; she even went back to school and took psychology; thought she could be my therapist, hell still does; she just doesnít get it. I needed her to be a mother, nothing less; instead, sheís alone and curses my name when I donít return her calls.

Cee

Btw I did get to read your original post, thanx!!!
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418999 - 12/13/12 07:47 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: cosmos]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay cee, yes it is so much to carry all of the loss rejection humiliation. What could have been, what should have been. So much pain on so many levels.

We must find a systematic way to deal with our wounds and heal. So far for me it's all been on the surface. Some deep healing but not enught of the real deep stuff. I know there are ways to get this healing. I am hope full that we will get better. Every bit counts. Maybe we always carry the scars of what happened but that's ok with me. I just want days in the sun. Maybe that's asking to much. But as I read through all of the anger pain and suffering I also see real healing hope and life giving brake throughs and freedom. The people that seam to be getting better are trying to get better, I can see that.
I have spent a lot of time maintaining and managing the effects of my abuse. Not that this was not a necessary thing for me to do but I am ready to get a hold of the traumatic mess. Piece by piece if I half to. Accept, forgive, put it in Gods hands to sort it out for eternity. Receive true healing into the deepest trauma. I know the is possible. I have seen and experance it. EMDR is another way to get the mind unstuck from traumatic memory's, so natural healing and resolution can occur. I know this works, I have seen it, experance it.

We can get much better then we are, I know this to be true.

Sexualiesd Confusion, Shame, Trama, Layers on Layers of Pain, Isolation, Dayly Trigers, Re Traumatizing Efects of the Trigers,

It can all get much better. We need help. And to get help we need to trust. And that's we're I have been stuck. I am just maintaining all of this shit for some future out come.

I am tired of maintaining. I want to get better. I half to find people who can help me get better.

I don't want to go back through the traumatic memories that made me split off from my self. To much like going into hell again. Real fear I might not survive the truth of just how bad it was. I have to go through at least 5 traumatic events and some how I think there may be more.

I want to get better,

I want all of us to get better.

It's not a race but it is a direction.

I need to set a course to getting the help I need
the help I want and I want it as a gift to myself.

If I die or lose my mind in the process at leased I do so trying to live better then another ten years of maintaining.

Trust Healing Freedom Repeat - That's my plan

I half to try. I think this is doable.

The shame is overwhelming. The though of exposing my shame is probably as bad as reliving the Trama.

We must love our selfs enught to get the help we need to get better.

This is a not going to be easy at all for me. Probably why I haven't gotten there quite yet.

Take care cee

Take care all of you and hang in there

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#419000 - 12/13/12 07:50 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Got Shame?

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#419003 - 12/13/12 08:27 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay cee, I think what you talked about last was Trama of some of the worst kined. The kind that dose not stop. Just keep going day after day, wondering what others are thinking. Sorry you went through that. And sorry you didn't have a real mother frown. I get the dad piece too.
m

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#419014 - 12/13/12 12:48 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
Call me stupid as in real stupid actually ignorant as hell! I havenít had a drink in almost 3 months and didnít know that depression is a major physical issue during alcohol withdrawal. See I have zero desire to drink and didnít realize I was chemically depressed. Years ago I was on a Dr. prescribed chemical cocktail that put me in such a funk I was almost committed, this is the same just no suicidal tendencies, this was just as bad. Hell just the realization of it makes it better, who woulda thought? Damn I can be so stupid!
Hey donít feel sorry for me its ok Iím over this bs not the abuse just this funk, just never thought about possible mental effects of alcohol withdrawal, 30 years of drugs and alcohol, 10 years of serious drinking, a 12 pack was just the prelude for the whiskey to follow. Damn Iím dumb!!!
Thanx for the support SS!!!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#419168 - 12/15/12 01:24 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: cosmos]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Keep up the good work Cee,

We keep learning and figuring it out. Again, good work.

I laugh at how many times I must learn the same lessen over and over befor it sticks.

Cee, you and many others here, "have encouraged me to be ok with myself and ok with the process.

It has helped me open up and give my self some needed slack.

We are by no means on a straight path but I believe we are on a path of truth and self acceptance.

Peace to all,

Comming to a new and better understanding of what is and what was, even if it's painful, has brought me a lot of healing and freedom.

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