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#418466 - 12/07/12 10:06 PM Bad decisions
jcm Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 34
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
I just can't help myself. Bad decision after bad decision. Yet again I let everything get to me and I messed up. I stayed awake all night. I listened to music that reminded me of that time. I intentionally watched things that I knew would trigger me. I cut myself again. How am I supposed to go into work and let everyone see what I have done to myself.

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#418469 - 12/07/12 10:32 PM Re: Bad decisions [Re: jcm]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I hate to hear you are going through a really rough patch right now. I know how one stressful thing can lead to another can lead to making bad decisions that ultimately hurt myself. It all kind of feeds upon itself in a vicious cycle. Do you know what triggered all of this in the first place? Depending upon where the cuts are and how bad I'd say it's likely you will not have to tell anyone anything. The most important thing right now I'd say is to patch yourself up physically then see to the emotional side of things. How has the week been for you?
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#418474 - 12/07/12 11:10 PM Re: Bad decisions [Re: jcm]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
JCM,

Let go of what happened today, forgive yourself for what you did, and focus on making tommorrow better. Stay away from the triggers if you can. Listen to/watch anything else you can think of (I use Looney Tunes...naturally). Make a safety plan to call someone who understands, when you feel the urge to cut. If you can't think of someone to call then post here, or go to the 24 hour support chat on www.1in6.org. They've literally saved my life a couple of times. Let us know how you're doing. We all have your back.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#418492 - 12/08/12 01:36 AM Re: Bad decisions [Re: jcm]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jcm, ((((jcm)))))
I'm sorry that you cope with your pain with self cutting.
Please try to calm yourself, it is alright, the storm is over.
I hope no one would say nothing about your scars.
Please be aware that you are not alone and that every problem has solution.
Here is the link to our brother gecko who has a lot of experience with self destruction behavior and he wrote good article about it: http://ramblingsofanabusesurvivor.blogspot.com/2012/11/controlling-urge-to-cut.html
It could be helpful for you.
Hang on
((((jcm)))))
_________________________
My story

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#418561 - 12/09/12 02:28 AM Re: Bad decisions [Re: jcm]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey JCM

Boy have I been there!!! For me it lasted weeks. Intentionally listening to music from that time and that reminded me of my past. Watching movies that triggered me. And the urge to cut. (I have cut)

I don't know what anyone else thinks of this. But for me I can see the positive in what I did. It helped me to 'feel' the pain to 'connect' with what happened to me - possible for the first time. I had been so deep in denial that I had never really mourned for what I lost. It was like a time of mourning for me. Like just about everything we can't continue that sort of behaviour for ever and it passed.

Since then I have been more accepting of the CSA that happened to me and the way I responded to it. It was like I could understand myself better because I could connect with myself at that time through the music and movies.

Wow!!! A light just went on for me....that is the 'meeting' my inner child thing everyone goes on about. I just realised as I was typing that that is what happened for me. I have never 'got' that whole inner child thing until now. Huh!

Thanks JCM
I guess you never know how or who you are going to help by sharing your 'stuff' here.

Truly Thank you JCM
I hope you can find some good in all this and that this will pass for you. My heart goes out to you and I REALLY understand!!

Lee

PS. I agree with Pero: Crazy Gecko really knows his stuff about cutting and he really helped me to get it under control. smile


Edited by Farmer Boy (12/09/12 02:30 AM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#418662 - 12/10/12 01:17 AM Re: Bad decisions [Re: Farmer Boy]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Yes, I've done that too. Purposely reminding myself and getting myself triggered... and yes, cutting.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
Wow!!! A light just went on for me....that is the 'meeting' my inner child thing everyone goes on about. I just realised as I was typing that that is what happened for me. I have never 'got' that whole inner child thing until now. Huh!

Yes, that's kinda what it's been about for me. I don't have DID and I don't see my younger self as an alternate personality... he's just a younger, more screwed up version of me, that I had to reconnect with in order to start learning to accept who I am.

I think you are right - going back and reminding ourselves of where we come from, is an attempt to reconnect with who we were and who we are.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
PS. I agree with Pero: Crazy Gecko really knows his stuff about cutting and he really helped me to get it under control. smile

blush
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with becoming the "resident expert". It's just that I've just spent a lot of time struggling with cutting, and fighting to get it under control. And I've written a bit about my journey. But it's such a personal thing...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#418675 - 12/10/12 05:35 AM Re: Bad decisions [Re: jcm]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Sorry Gecko

Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable - but you did help me a lot. smile

and I do think you know what you are talking about. smile

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#418677 - 12/10/12 06:41 AM Re: Bad decisions [Re: jcm]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
It's ok. I love to help, I just don't think I know it all and I don't want to pretend that I do. I know only my own journey, but if sharing that can help others, I'm happy. At least then my own struggle wouldn't have been in vain...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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