I have no idea what is prompting this invitation after a whole year. I have one hour before he picks me up to go to the appointment.

Insight? ADVICE????

Hi Valkyrie, that sounds like good news to me, something like it is time for sharing in safe environment
I guess that his recovery (has he been all year at therapy?) brought all this.
Juts take it easy and try to be relaxed.

I wish you two the best and please give us update how was it.

Pero

How did it go?

I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my entire life. That said, it went really well. His therapist wanted to meet me, see our dynamic together, answer any questions I had, and generally discuss my husband's progress.

It turns out that the one thing really holding my husband back is trust. Some close friends he has told have betrayed his trust (he blames himself instead of realizing that they were really just bad friends to begin with). I know he has struggled with this. He is 37 and trying to build new friendships that are healthy for him, which is hard. I get it.

But what threw me is that he has problems trusting me. He feels he has done too much damage to our relationship with his acting out and infidelity. He feels he is burdening me with his meltdowns. He feels that it is impossible for me to really forgive and continue to love him after all he has done and is waiting for it to be too much. He's waiting for me to leave because he doesn't trust me to stay. Because if the situation were reversed, he doesn't think he could.

The therapist encouraged us to find a marriage counselor specializing in emotion-focused therapy. We are therapist shopping because the last one was so awful and burned us both so badly it has been hard to start up again. But she has given us some people to check out and will help vett some of the people we are considering.

Overall, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. First, that my husband felt safe introducing me to his therapist. Second, that she seems very competent and has developed a really good therapeutic bond with my husband. Third, that she understands our issues and can help walk my husband through some of his sticking points.

Is it too soon to feel hope? Because it's flickering...

My 2 cents. Tell him that while it has been difficult, and that your relationship has been effected by it, that you do understand him better now and that you still want him. Tell him, that just like him, that you have bad days and ask him to try and remember that when they come up.

Val - my husband and I see an EFT specialist and we actually were the live couple last week for a therapist certification session. (Talk about progress! 10 people watching us on video!) It is a phenomenal approach for people who lack trust. Get and read the book called HOLD ME TIGHT. I don't know where you are located but a good EF therapist will focus on relationship and trust building. It is a sublime experience if done correctly. Good luck!

hey esposa
I just wanted to offer something in the way of encouragement ... and to the others as well. your husband must love you a lot and really wanting to make it work. cause there is no way I could even consider doing something like what you are talking about. I'm not sure I understand exactly what you are talking about ( I never heard of EFT) but therapy alone, with me alone, is waaaaaaay more then I want to do EVER. I do think trust is a HUGE issue and I know it is for me but no way i could handle it that way. so give your man a hug he must really be trying hard!

Valkyrie - if you don't mind me asking -

Was the experience helpful for you? Is it something you would recommend?

I've thought about having my girlfriend see my T, but I'm not sure. She's been wonderful, but I know that it is sometimes hard for her. We don't talk about my past a lot - I think she is scared to upset me, and I don't know what she can handle and what not. Also, I often struggle to explain things to her in a way she can understand, possibly because I struggle to understand it myself...

I like to have the partner of the survivor see me just to put a name with a face and hear their concerns. A lot of time, the survivor has some difficulty in expressing what is going on with the partner and the therapist's office is a more comfortable location.

It has to be with the survivor's desire and permission. We (the survivor and me) always talk about some goals and anything that the survivor is not ready to talk about (i.e., some acting out or any areas that we should not touch on with the partner.)

Gecko: it was enormously helpful, not just for me, but also for my H. The T was able to translate some of the things I was saying in a way my H could be better understand and vice versa. Just learning what kind of therapy model they are using, what are the ongoing concerns my H has, and what are sticking points was incredibly informative. She also provided good tips in what to look for in a marriage counselor.

All in all, I feel like my H and I have turned a corner. I don't expect easy sailing, he has a long way to go in therapy, but I think he really believes that he is safe with me and I am always in his corner.

Valkyrie - so happy to hear this!

my wife and i see my T on a regular basis.

it has been tremendously helpful for both of us.

Lee

Traveler: may I ask why that is? Is this a usual practice or does it replace marriage counseling?

why we both see the T?

he is available.
he is not a specialist.
not many options.
fortunately he is good.
it simplifies things that he knows all my issues and also can help with our relationship.
not marriage counseling per se...
don't know what is usual.
i don't think we are the ususal case.
it works for us.

Thank you.

I think I will talk to my T about my girlfriend joining us for a session some time early next year.

Gecko: update us on how that goes. Wishing you the best.

Hi Valkyrie

I was reading the post relating to your visit with the husbands T, and I am glad that it went well.
I had a thought on going to a marriage councillor, and what struck me is that I was not ready to go to a marriage councillor until I had sorted out myself. I was absolutely in no state to repair a broken marriage when I could not even help myself.

In hindsight It might have been wise to do a little work on the marriage, but I don't know how ready I was for that or if I would even have coped.
Right now I am happy, things have worked out for us and I feel that I now know who I am and I can now focus on spoiling the woman that I KNOW I love and want.
It has and is still taking time to build up trust again, but that could take years, but the most important thing is that I am well and able to focus on things other than myself, even when I was not dealing with my CSA, I was so self centred and selfish. I really don't know how this precious gem of a woman put up with my crap for so long.

You guys are all in my prayers and I wish you all a speedy recovery from the darkness that is CSA.

Heal well all
Martin

Whome: you bring up a great point. We started out in marriage counseling before my H got into a therapist for his CSA. It was too soon, we were too raw, and he was too messed up for it to be even remotely helpful. That, and our counselor was AWFUL.

I switched therapist, my H has dug in with his, and after a year, we are going to start up marriage counseling again. This time, I feel hopeful. This time, we did the work to find the right fit. We don't start until after the new year, but I am strangely looking forward to the experience. It's nice to feel hope this time of year.