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#418253 - 12/05/12 10:11 AM i know ur trying to help, yet u can't
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1223
Loc: Northern Ohio
I know you guys are trying to be helpful.
You really can't. Words, however true or insightful, have not been able to break thru.
Iím caught in a maze that has no exit, until I die.

Iím NOT living a good life. I am alive. I am aware that I exist.

As a Social Worker for 10 of the last 17 yrs, I have been able to help some kids break the cycle of abuse that they endured. Yes, that was great. It's not enough. I thought that it would be, but it's not.

Perhaps I am trying to fill that emptiness I feel, with those successes. If that is so, then I am in this field for the wrong reasons.

Yet, I personally, have never had long term success, at any job I have EVER held.


And THAT, is what my perp always told me would happen.
Whether he could see my future and took advantage of it, or created it, or convinced me of my lack of self-worth, makes no difference now. I am consistent at one thing. Failure.

I have always fought against it, & still do, yet his words Always ring true eventually.

My fragile self-esteem, hangs on the ability to make a positive difference, in whatever I am doing.
If Iím not doing that, I feel pretty worthless.
Any help I feel I may have made at this site, allows me just enough to tread water for a couple hours.

For years, I believed I would overcome this.
I don't believe it anymore.
It's another lie. A "pipe dream".

I have No wish for death. I would like to feel good about myself, believe in myself.
I often say, "I get knocked down, but I get up again".
I'm tired of this cycle. I don't want to get knocked down, yet again.

It's not the past that has me depressed now; it's my resent (last 2 yrs) & current inability to find & keep a job, which has me so low. Having my family & friends tell me Iím a smart guy, does not help. It makes me feel so much more defective. It means my Perp was/is right.

My longest successful job, was the 13 or so yrs, I was a personal sex toy. I even failed at that eventually. Thatís not sarcasm, it is the reality of this rather pathetic existence.

And, if there is a God, he must enjoy to make me cry as my perp. Every time I turn to him, he doesnt carry me, he throws sand in my eyes. And when I get mad, he gives me a kick while i am down.

All I have is me, & that isn't enough.

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#418255 - 12/05/12 10:21 AM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Blacken,

I only can tell you that we hear you. We understand how you feel. We've been there, or will be there at times. You aren't alone with this. I have no words of truth or insight to help you right now. Just the knowledge that there is a company of men who get it and care about you.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#418268 - 12/05/12 12:45 PM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi blacken. I'm having the same kind of feeling as you have. The situation is different but in the end the effect is about the same. I have a lot of work to do as far as my recovery. One of the things I know what I have to do is to be less focussed on my work life and more involved with things I want to do. Don't get me wrong, I really want my work life to be satisfying but I also know that that's not enough. Mostly when things there are not going the way I would like. Like they have been for the last couple of years.

I know I can do a better at my job but unfortunately the CSA has become the dominant problem and I have to deal with that. But additionally I have to develop my other interests because it is bad to put your eggs in one basket and as you know they are pretty fragile.

Hang in there.
Candu

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#418269 - 12/05/12 01:09 PM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
blacken,

I wish I had more time to reply, but this is what I have right now, forgive the shortness and the directness. You are right.., right on the precipice of discovery. You know these words, your 10 years of social work tells us the reason. Discovery is the awareness of the subdued or warped thinking versus our desire to live by the thoughts, feelings and behavior we know are are the best for us, a process.

I found the hardest, the most vile self loathing feelings when I was in front of or during the first part of discovery. I wanted to throw up, pass out and give up, all at once. Sit with it, let it come over you. This is the hurt part of your personality showing you now what you have covered over, the discovery of painful, traumatic, felony perpetration that controlled and overwhelmed you. It is try to come up so that it may come out.

Sit with it, honor it as you have in your office listening to children tell you the horror they live with, listen and honor you. You need a social worker, belated decades ago, to listen and to rescue you, and your right, there is only you now, but your are enough.

You friend,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#418316 - 12/05/12 08:52 PM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
blacken -

what Sam said!!!

and - my T says: "you have to OWN it before you can DIS-OWN it!"

so - yeah - been through that - and it DOES get better - if you keep going - keep working at it - keep moving on...

sometimes it takes more dogged determination and the habit of endurance than hope.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#418375 - 12/06/12 02:13 PM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Blacken, how well I know your words. They have been mine as well.
Loved ones, therapists, medications and gods were helpful tools for me, but it's my hunger to fully live that is lifting me into a better life. I now believe only we can heal ourselves.

Hang in there. We design our own future.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#418382 - 12/06/12 05:22 PM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 754
Loc: michigan
hey blacken bud
I really don't know what to say here I just hope you know ... I do care. I'm sure given what little I know about you that this will get better i just hope that happens soon
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#418385 - 12/06/12 05:40 PM * [Re: blacken]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:15 PM)

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#418596 - 12/09/12 02:24 PM Re: i know ur trying to help, yet u can't [Re: blacken]
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 64
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
I've spent years in the depths of an emotional pit, my only known safety. Carefully, stretching an arm or a leg out towards some new path but never leaving that pit. Never climbing all the way out to TRY at something new, never trying to deal with all my issues, just keep it all close and guard those secrets. I have just recently begun TRYING again, and I can look back at how close I was to dying (i have never felt 'worthy' of taking my own life because i thought so little of myself, this 'life' is my penance, or so i thought).
My point is do not drown beneath this despair. Maybe you are at the bottom of all this mental/ emotional garbage right now but eventually, you will come up again. And you might only be able to take a half-heart risk towards progress or make a tiny movement towards a better you but you will rise again. I think that all this inner self-discord is a sign of a major inner change. You are struggling but haven't figured out what the struggle exactly is? All the things you've done to get this far aren't working anymore(as my therapist says to me often) so maybe it is time to try something different?

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