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#417359 - 11/27/12 08:16 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3353
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Gecko -

interesting that you want to find photos of yourself as a kid.

i have strenuously avoided having any or even looking at them if i can help it. i know there are lots at my mom's place and in storage somewhere from when she downsized. but i really have no desire to see them. don't know if it is fear of triggers, guilt for having deserted him for so long, or what...

my wife wants to see them and have them, but it make me feel really uncomfortable. i am OK with ones as a baby and toddler - but not of the ages when i lived with the step-dad - from about 6 up to 18. maybe someday i'll be ready for that.

Lee

PS - on more reflection, i think that what really repulses me in the photos i have seen is the fundamental lies that they represent. my family was really big on appearances - making everything look good to the outside world. but the reality was oh, so different. we had a nice house and cars and were always well dressed and did all the right things, even took vacations in Europe. but when i had to smile for the camera, i knew it was hiding so much and was nothing but a forced conspiracy of deception.


Edited by traveler (11/27/12 09:43 AM)
Edit Reason: PS
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#418346 - 12/06/12 02:52 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
So, for those who haven't been following my other thread - Since my last post here, I have tracked down some photos in an old yearbook from the school I attended. I went to look at those photos yesterday.

It was an incredibly emotional experience.

At the school, while looking at the yearbooks, I had a very hard time staying present. Basically, I could not look at them without dissociating. In the end, I asked my girlfriend (who had fortunately gone with me) to take photos of the applicable pages with the digital camera I took with me. We took those photos straight to a print shop and did a few prints. I didn't look at them again until my T session, which was late yesterday afternoon. My T was able to help me look at them while staying present.

Looking into my own eyes, age 15, I saw myself for the first time as an innocent victim. I saw the blank stare in that young boy's eyes and realised that I had been judging that boy by a rational adult's standards. I blamed him for rebelling and provoking his abusers. I blamed him for not fighting harder. I blamed him for turning to drugs and self-injury. People have always told me that I was just a child trying to cope, but I had never felt it before. Yesterday, I felt that young boy's pain. It was a physical ache that overwhelmed me, body and soul. At the end of my 90 minute T session, I understood that I had always chosen to cling to the shame and the guilt because it was safer.

Admitting my own innocence left bare the real emotions - mostly the unbearable pain of knowing that nothing I could ever do or say, would have earned me the relief or the love I craved. I think believing that I could have had a better life if I was a better kid was easier than accepting that I would not have been loved, regardless.

I feel so deeply sorry for that boy.

But you know what? "Unbearable pain" isn't strictly accurate. I bore a piece of it yesterday, and I survived. It didn't kill me. Yesterday, I cried more than I have ever cried in one day before. Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt. For the first time ever, I feel that I can look in the mirror, remember the boy that became the man I see there, and be gentle with him. I want to be kind to myself today. I deserve it. That young boy that became me, deserves it. He has suffered enough cruelty in his life. He doesn't deserve to be blamed for it.

This is a post I wrote last night, in an attempt to make sense of my emotions:
To the boy in the picture...

That young boy has a lot of healing to do, but the sun is shining today. It's a beautiful day.

It is the first day of the rest of my life. smile

PS: Yesterday was also the first time my girlfriend say me dissociate, and the first time she saw me completely fall to pieces, emotionally. She handled it with so much love and compassion, and yet managed to not make me feel emasculated.

I am in awe.


Edited by crazy gecko (12/06/12 02:55 AM)
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#418348 - 12/06/12 04:01 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3353
Loc: somewhere in Africa
CG - i am in awe, too - of your courage, of your trransformation from that boy to who you are now - and of your GF - who is obviously a treasure!

Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
Looking into my own eyes, age 15, I saw myself for the first time as an innocent victim. I saw the blank stare in that young boy's eyes and realised that I had been judging that boy by a rational adult's standards. I blamed him for rebelling and provoking his abusers. I blamed him for not fighting harder. I blamed him for turning to drugs and self-injury. People have always told me that I was just a child trying to cope, but I had never felt it before. Yesterday, I felt that young boy's pain. It was a physical ache that overwhelmed me, body and soul. At the end of my 90 minute T session, I understood that I had always chosen to cling to the shame and the guilt because it was safer.

Admitting my own innocence left bare the real emotions - mostly the unbearable pain of knowing that nothing I could ever do or say, would have earned me the relief or the love I craved. I think believing that I could have had a better life if I was a better kid was easier than accepting that I would not have been loved, regardless.

I feel so deeply sorry for that boy.

But you know what? "Unbearable pain" isn't strictly accurate. I bore a piece of it yesterday, and I survived. It didn't kill me. Yesterday, I cried more than I have ever cried in one day before. Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt.


this is so profound.

i had to brace myself and prepare to read the post, because i had an intuitive feeling of what it would be. and then i read it 3 times - as well as your other linked post.

you not only "feel stronger than (you) have ever felt" - you ARE stronger.

i am honored to have "met" you!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#418357 - 12/06/12 08:13 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Gecko

I agree with traveller. Wow!

I read them both over and over as well.

This is huge! What a tough day!!!!

It brings me such joy to know that you finally were able to look into the eyes of your 15 year old self and see him for who he really was....an innocent victim. The boy inside you we could see all along.

To see this much progress in the two months you have been here is an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

This is some good healing.

I am honoured to know you too!!!

Lee

PS. Don't let that GF get away - she is worth her weight in gold!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#418358 - 12/06/12 08:15 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Oh CG, that's wonderful progress you made - I am so glad you broke the dam and are at last able to accept your younger self. Now there is no one left who can hurt him - and the person best able to help him is you.

Completely understand your unwillingness to accept your own innocence. Self-blame is a sort of reverse form of empowerment - it turns chaos into order. Someone suffering trauma can't bear the thought that it just happened because terrible things happen, because people can attack you and you can't control them, that it could or could have happened again. "There was a cause - it was ME - I did this" can be better at the most vulnerable stages than "Shit happens - you were defenseless - people really can be that unpredictable, dangerous, and evil."

You have to be in a safer place to accept the "less safe" explanation. I'm so glad you made it through. GF sounds like a real keeper, so, double congrats!

Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (12/06/12 08:18 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#418411 - 12/07/12 02:39 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thank you, everyone. I really feel like I've made a major breakthrough and it's good to have someone I can share it with, who gets it smile

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Self-blame is a sort of reverse form of empowerment - it turns chaos into order. Someone suffering trauma can't bear the thought that it just happened because terrible things happen, because people can attack you and you can't control them, that it could or could have happened again. "There was a cause - it was ME - I did this" can be better at the most vulnerable stages than "Shit happens - you were defenseless - people really can be that unpredictable, dangerous, and evil."

Well said. Knowing that I was defenceless and that I really had no control over what happened is scary. However, I don't think the feeling of control was worth the guilt and self-loathing that came with feeling responsible.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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