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#41830 - 06/18/03 09:50 AM Not sure
jmac Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/21/03
Posts: 3
Hi
I thought I woudl give this another try. I was abused by my father who is an alcoholic. He was not always drunk when the SA occurred but when he was it was worse. I recently had what I can only describe as a nightmare; once again all centered on him and the SA. After waking up with a jolt, the dream triggered a memory which I can not shake. My father came home late one night (I hope this does not upset anyone) and came into my room - he had been out drinking. I remember my mother coming in shortly after and telling him to get into his own bed. I even remember her calling him a drunken fool or something like that. This happened when I was around 13 and my abuse continued well into my 20's

What has been bothering me now since the dream is did my mother know about the SA or was she reacting to his drinking that night - thinking he was too drunk to know he was not in his own bed? My mother passed recently so I can't ask her (even if I could). I will never know how much she knew what was going on and this is just another aspect now of my SA that is eating at me from the inside. I live a fairly normal life, kids, wife, good home and job. How can I hold this together? I feel like I am running on autopilot and sooner or later the fuel tanks are going to run dry.

It is so stupid of me to lament over something I will never have the answers to, yet I cannot get this out of my mind. I have been so depressed this week, my wife keeps asking what is wrong and I have just ignored her. I am not even sure what I expect from posting this - other then to be able to just tell someone what I have been feeling this week. Is there no end to this, can't we (I) ever get over this and move on with our lives. I am beginning to feel that there is no healing from my SA.

JMAC


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#41831 - 06/18/03 09:57 AM Re: Not sure
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Jmac,
Hi, Im sorry for your nightmare. They can be very disturbing cant they. Do you have a "t"? Are you on any meds for the depression? These things have helped me. I still have nightmares, and still have lots of questions, but they help me deal with day to day life while dealing with my SA. I understand about drunk father's in your room. My step father was a drunk and started abusing me at 12 and it went on till I was 17. Like you not all of it was when he was drunk but it was a hole lot worst when he was. I used to start to cry as soon as I heard his car pull in. Jmac if there is anything I can do let me know. We are here for you brother.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#41832 - 06/18/03 10:01 AM Re: Not sure
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
JMAC,

Quote:
I feel like I am running on autopilot and sooner or later the fuel tanks are going to run dry.
Man, does that sum it up!

My T asked me to write what I would say to my mother to tell her about the SA at the hands of her co-worker and friend who was a father figure to me and my AA sponsor. I have absolutely no clue how I would broach the subject with her. I can see only bad results, no matter how she would react. And I have wondered for years if she ever knew, or suspected, or heard something about him later.

Sorry, I don't have any answers, but I think just getting this much out helped me.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#41833 - 06/18/03 11:00 AM Re: Not sure
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
JMAC,

This is a timely thread and one that I hesitated to bring up myself, because over the last few days I have been constantly crying over these issues. As well, I have been feeling increasingly numb as the days go on. I am sorry to hear about your mother's passing--you are dealing with double jeopardy, mourning both her death and the issues that has arisen as a result of it. Ironically these things could not have emerged before their time, and now here they are at your doorstep refusing to go away like a adoptee in search of the truth.

Quote:
My mother passed recently so I can't ask her (even if I could). I will never know how much she knew what was going on and this is just another aspect now of my SA that is eating at me from the inside.
I went through this in 1975, and it has revisited me BIGTIME these days. Only it was not my mother that passed on, but the older brother perp. After he died, I brought everything out in the open and was ostrasized from the family and threatened with violence. After that I supressed everything. I thought that my real problems were Alcoholism and drugs and other self-medicating behaviors. [duh?] And everyone in the family was perfectly willing to go on endorsing this belief. It is beyond me why my deceased perp brother was extolled as the hero, the golden child of the family, because he initiated nearly every member of our family, most of them very young. This behavior continued until he graduated high shcool and left home. He died suddenly at 23 of a cerebral hemorrhage and I remember days before his death that in our last conversation he absolved himself for his debauchery by claiming it was all experimental. If he was alive today I would kill him all over again, but the most frustrating thing is I am not really sure who to blame for my rage, anger, shame, depression etc. I am frustrated cause I don't know who to slap first. I'll tell you this much, I have been really really really-erist supressing the urge these past few daze to write the confrontation letter to my parents and that is for another thread.

May I append your quote to preface it with these words : "By all appearances"
Quote:
I live a fairly normal life, kids, wife, good home and job. How can I hold this together?
I added the extra words to reflect MY experience, because much of my life during the marriage in my 20's this was true for me. God I tried so hard to make it so.

Quote:
I feel like I am running on autopilot and sooner or later the fuel tanks are going to run dry.
I can't wait to hear what the senate has to say about this............I am listening

and thanks to you all for doing the same,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#41834 - 06/18/03 01:47 PM Re: Not sure
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
JMAC:

Quote:
It is so stupid of me to lament over something I will never have the answers to, yet I cannot get this out of my mind.
JMHOFWIW but I think it's natural & logical that you lament over this stuff, irregardless of whether or not you can ever have the answers. And even tho you can't, at least not fully, you can perhaps settle enuf in your own mind to find some peace of mind.

JMAC I don't know how much any of my non-abusive relatives or friends knew and I don't have much way of knowing either. But I have found that asking them in therapy has helped some. Not to mention just talking it out in therapy or in other
settings like right here. Perhaps in these things as well as in whatever live support groups or friends you might be able to find, along with good reading, lies part of the answer to this:

Quote:
Is there no end to this, can't we (I) ever get over this and move on with our lives. I am beginning to feel that there is no healing from my SA.
For me I'm working on defining things like what
"the end to this" and "getting over it" and
"moving on with my life" is. Not lowering expectations but trying to be more realistic & taking it easy on myself.

My abuse has ended, but getting over it & moving on with my life are two simeltaneous & interlocked
processes of recovery, what I call "recovery from"
and "recovery to." The more I focus on the latter
the more the former happens as well. That's what I call healing & yes I'm experiencing some of it.
No miracle cure but gradually yes.

Lamenting & grieving can be an important part of this. It has been for me. Don't underestimate what you've lost, or your ability to face it, grieve it, and "move on" or "heal."

Take your time, take it easy on yourself, and take care of yourself.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41835 - 06/18/03 07:15 PM Re: Not sure
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
jmac
like you I have unanswered questions, and they are the hard ones to deal with.

My abuse was at boarding school, older boys and later on a teacher. But early on the headmaster discovered what was happening and I told the truth.
I was the one punished for lying etc, and the abuse got worse.

But a tiny thought lives in the back of my mind.
Did the headmaster ever tell my parents ?
I'm 99.999% certain he didn't, the whole thing would have to have been dealt with properly if he had, and I know my mother was more than capable of ripping into anyone who crossed her, there's no way they would have said nothing and left me there.

But I haven't heard it from their lips, and even though they're still alive I can't ask them.
They're both well into their 80's and my mother has dementia. If they have lived this long without knowing then they have no need to know.
It doesn't answer my 0.001% doubt, and no matter how insignificant that might seem it bothers me.

My group therapy has been particularly helpful with this though, it's reinforced my choice of "not to ask" and made me understand that my motives and feelings are genuine.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#41836 - 06/19/03 11:02 PM Re: Not sure
jmac Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/21/03
Posts: 3
Hi everyone,

Just wanted to thank everyone for comments back. It was a low week for me but I am feeling a little better today. Doubts about what my Mom may or may not have known are still there and most likely will be for awhile. I was told today that maybe I am just a little angry about her not protecting me as a kid - I don't know, could be. I think there also is some level of anger at her dying first and leaving him behind to deal with.

Again, thanks for the responses. It helps to know there are others out there that care.

Jmac


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