I'm single and have never been in a real relationship. I've never been in love nor had a girlfriend nor have I ever had a sex. On one hand, I don't want to be married. If more than 50% of marriages fail then why bother? And seeing as how those rates are even higher for military members the whole thing seems pointless. I'm 23, certainly not old, but when I talk to guys who are 18, 19 and 20-years-old and they tell me about how they're engaged or just got married I think to myself "Really, you're 18-years-old, you're still practically a kid. Why the hell would you want to be married at 18?" It just seems so pointless with having to worry about commitment issues, cheating, money, kids, religion, the constant travel and relocating that comes with being in the military and all the other bullshit that goes along with it. Why bother?

On the other hand...

God, only knows how much I long for someone to hold at night. I am so incredibly lonely. I have nobody who loves me, only family who love me, I feel, because they have to. I want someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to share everyday with. I've never held another person's hand in a loving way, nor have I ever kissed anyone. I've never been in love before even though I crave it constantly. Secretly, I am partly jealous of those 18-year-olds because they have succeeded at something I have not: they have found love. No matter if it rushed or juvenile or poorly planned, they've found someone who loves them. I cannot do the same.

In high school I thought I had a girlfriend until my T told me that wasn't a real relationship. It was all a show to prove to my friends that I wasn't gay and it quickly fizzled into nothing. Since then I have longed for something more than just a momentary infatuation. I have lusted over someone, but never have I looked at someone and said to myself "I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this person." Its never gotten past the "Hey, they sure are attractive" stage and I don't know if it ever will. When I see my future I see a lot of things but being in a relationship just isn't one of them.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do you get over it?

Clockwise,

It is a horrible feeling. It is overwhelming and cuts so deep it tunnels all the way through male ego / confidence / insecurity issues and ends up in the core of basic human needs, like food or warmth, that must be met but aren't. Everywhere you look people just like you are enjoying what you need, what you'd nearly die for, what you're dying without, and if you DO tell someone else of the loneliness so deep it begins to pull away pieces of the self and diminishes all else you may have accomplished - well, at BEST they'd just be sympathetic. At worst, and the worst is pretty bad, they'd point you towards their favorite hookup bar and offer to be your wingman - when with some guys it just doesn't work that way, can't.

Or, or, actually worst is "You'll find somebody someday! Your time will come - plenty of fish in the sea." Funny with all those fish in the sea how many people in the world still die of starvation.

There's a painful graphic novel about this called "Unlikely" about another guy in this situation. His "friend" hears him complain, but thinks he means a long-term girlfriend and so tries to "help" by saying "Well, in the meantime ya can always get laid HURF HURF DURF!" in that horrible, horrible, horrible way that guys who actually can will say when they really are trying to be helpful but apparently think you just don't know the penis goes in the vagina and NOW it will be all better.

Feeling like there is no one on Earth who loves you except your family which has to (well, that's probably a dense or borderline cruel thing to say in a place like this - but you know what I mean). Like - "what's wrong with me compared to everybody else??? Why won't someone be there for me when I could give so much, would give my all???"

I know, and I'd offer you any encouragement I could.

Don't start talking to yourself just to hear a voice in your room. Was hard to stop that once I'd started, but it's far less comforting than masturbation, more embarrassing and makes you feel worse when you're done.

Strip clubs count as companionship, however brief - totally societally acceptable and normalized and at least you can talk to a naked girl. Guys go there for a lot more talking than most would ever suspect.

It's also okay to limit the time you spend with coupled friends. Be creative and considerate with your reasons and spread them out among various couples - to not repeat.

It is in my opinion not always the right decision to get married so young, still in the teens. People should explore themselves and their interests while they have the chance. You want someone - and for that someone to want you back - the most normal, natural, healthy, foundational need of a mature person. Do not focus on marriage specifically yet.

Falling in love too quickly is dangerous. It is possible to want it so much you try to accelerate the process - keeping a relationship from normal growth. In a way it is disrespectful to your partner - very presumptuous - and they will let you know, usually badly. Be extremely cautious of when you "drop the L-bomb".

I have no secret recipe for you I'm afraid. I lost my virginity to a girl who was a self-described promiscuous whore who almost compulsively had sex with new guys she met and preferred virgins - even older ones like I was. Ain't that many such creatures in tge world, I walked through an Indian burial ground at the stroke of midnight during a full moon and a meteor shower or somesuch. She worked her way through my entire college nerd singing group, stuck around her preferred feeding grounds for years, and "first-ed" at least five of us that I know of. I make it sound odd but suffice to say I loved it - not just for the obvious reason but also because it had not required me to do all of the impressing / "putting myself out there" useless peptalk bullshit that had never worked anyway. The first time was nerve-wracking and all the vodka didn't help - but she knew what she wanted and could teach me, thank goodness, and was quite happy to repeat with me as an "old fling" (old being the day before) so it could get better.

AFTER we'd had our fun off and on for about a year I was able to build more self confidence and "guy stuff tricks," and got it more from others. It was like as if some women can smell if you've already been scentmarked by another one and you are "safe" / "legit" / "a FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL battle station!"

Where to go from here?

There are certain dating websites where the girls are more, ah, direct and interested than others. OKCupid and Nerve are the "daylight" ones. If you enter others that are more explicitly sex-based / porn-y, well, that's a relatively new and less-studied ecosystem. The women there are real and really want what they say they do.

Don't be too proud to ask friends for fix-ups. Having said that, it is humiliating so set a limit for how often you'll ask.

Tolkien wrote the entire LOTR trilogy out of redirected unrealized sexual energy. Maybe try taking up something that absorbs your time and is a physical / emotional outlet; rock climbing?

I feel for ya, dude. I swear on my soul that if there was some secret password or engram or surefire cologne I'd just tell you. I hope none if this came across as HURF DURF clueless re-injury; I'm just saying what can work, to some degree, for some needs.

Just try being a friend and getting to know people you are attracted to.

Put your debating mind in hold and go out for lunch, coffee or a movie and even dinner with people. Practice dating and see what happens. Don't let fear hold you back from trying.