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#418174 - 12/04/12 03:22 PM isolation
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Iíve always been alone and will always will be; born alone and die alone or whatever the saying is. Not sure if this is a question or a statement or what, but my situation taught me at an early age I had no one on this planet except me who was going to do anything good for me but me; not family, not teachers, not doctors, therapists, and because of my situation didnít even have a god for help. I know that might be familiar to most of you reading this, but is it superficial for me to keep believing this; I post here and have told the wife. I havenít been alone in a long time (saintly wife) but other than that, Iíve always worked alone, travel alone, eat alone, just like then, always alone. I sit in a room typing with about 70 people besides myself, these are all strangers, not even a word or glance between us, sad all of us so alone most of the time; just the echoes of torment inside your skull.
Tired of the road, tired of being alone, tired of being tired, just canít leave a job that pays like this. Life just really sucks sometimes, I just want a couple acres somewhere in Vermont to call home so tired of just wandering, tired of knowing how to drive through NYC or Toronto or some other hellhole of a city, the airport codes ect, it just sucks! Give me 50 acres and a Deere, hell 5 acres and a snow-blower be ok too.

Cee


Edited by cosmos (12/04/12 03:25 PM)
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418175 - 12/04/12 03:38 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
Lucky you - you're married?

I wouldn't call that alone. I've never been in a romantic relationship and I'm almost 41. I envy you.

It's all about perspective here. You may not have the friends you want, but at least you found someone willing to commit their life to you.

Also, as long as you're still alive, you have the power to change and grow and adapt. This includes learning how to make the friendships you want to have. You're not a rock and immutable. You will change (that is a guarantee of everything in the universe), and you have the power to mold that change through the choices you make.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#418178 - 12/04/12 04:45 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Just the other day, I was heading home after work, thinking about how the isolation is the worst thing about living with the secret of child abuse. For me, it meant that I never really opened up with my wife. I never really let my guard all the way down. I was always hiding something. Always ashamed. Always alone. But now that I've been open and working toward some measure of happiness and peace for about four years now, it's amazing to me that I'm no longer alone. It's wonderful, honestly, absolutely wonderful. I hope you find some way to understand on your own terms what Magellan just wrote--you can change and you do have the power to make the life you want for yourself.

Good luck. Keep seeking peace. Keep healing. Bob

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#418180 - 12/04/12 05:04 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: cosmos
I just want a couple acres somewhere in Vermont to call home so tired of just wandering,..... Give me 50 acres and a Deere, hell 5 acres and a snow-blower be ok too.


Dear Cee,

I'm in Vermont and I can tell you it can be lonely here too. Geographical cures don't work. Where ever I go I take me along.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#418193 - 12/04/12 07:25 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Magellan;
lucky aint the word for it; Iím not sure when exactly my luck changed or what exactly happened but if I was a man of faith Iíd be a definite believer. Personally Iíve had more than a handful of brushes with death, auto accidents, cops, drinking, drugs, illness, falls, you name it, nine lives? Iíve gotta have more than that, Iím still here? Itís so sad that for so long I really didnít want to be alive Iíd wish I was never born, and I acted that out every day, even in my thirties I went through a period where every day I thought of just driving over the embankment and ending it all, guess Iím just a big pussy? Or maybe I really cared about wife/kids I donít know, just never could do it, so even now I couldnít. Thanks for the support, gratitude is something that I need to learn how to give, its like I have to learn how to be a man all over again now that everything that I was brainwashed with has started to fall away.
Robert;
Friday I drive or fly home, Sunday I take off; 45 weeks a year on the road, sometimes over 2 months at a time and other countries too, Iíve had the same job for 8 years now and Iím just tired of being alone on the road, delayed in Philly, snowed in in Chicago, stuck on Canal St. on a Friday afternoon, tired of everyone always being a phone call away, never right down the street, I also need to say that earlier in my life I spent 5 years on a submarine, you could figure 300+ days away from home port every year, it kinda screws you up being gone for so long, there are no phone calls or tv on a boat, youíre under the water. Like right now I sit here all alone in a real shitty motel feeling sorry for myself that Iím in some godforsaken hell without a Sheraton or Crowne Plaza, thank god itís not a motel6. This brings up a big issue right now is that I want to give my 2 weeks and start looking for a new job after Jan1 I just know that on top of everything else that would be the last straw and even my saintly wife would walk away. See prior to this gig I was an IT sub-contractor having been a mainframe and CO telco tech I could really bid on just about everything and life was great prior to 2000, see I was the tech/doer of the business, the wife made sure the bills were paid and handled all the admin work, and the reality is that she worked much more than me even though I used to travel occasionally, she also took care of the house and stuff while also doing some freelance programming, remember y2k? See and Iíve talked to her about this and even though she knows I really want to quit she just wonít support me with this, so I know what the outcome is already so right now I just suffer. See I really do love my job, itís just the travel I hate, itís not that I couldnít be happy with a helpdesk job itís that she wouldnít be happy with the lack of pay, who says money doesnít buy you love. She wouldnít say it but she developed carpel really bad in both wrists and as long as she doesnít spend 12 hours a day typing sheís ok, sheís just afraid that if she has to help pay the rent it will mean ďendless painĒ. Sorry for the rambling.
Jude
the Vermont reference was simply about quitting my current job and not being so transient, Vermont is such a beautiful place, not Bennington or any of that kinda stuff down south or Burlington or that, but places like North Troy, or Enosburg Falls, isnít that the home of the Vermont Dairy Festival, any state where the dairy cows outnumber the people is my kinda place, itís sad that walmart and other ďbigboxĒ stores came in, but hey didnít the homedepot in Brattleboro close?

btw thanx to all for even reading and spending the time to reply to my posts and again to MS for being there for us!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418222 - 12/05/12 05:01 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Hey cosmos......you are not alone....I know that that may not help, but I am in the same boat, on the road, cannot quit. My solution was to try to really value the alone time to soul search and really address my issues. (on the flip side, working in an office all day, with the bullshit politics, meetings etc. would drive me nuts)

Hang in there and keep reaching out. (I am with you on big cities....a realy insane way for people to live)
_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

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#418227 - 12/05/12 06:06 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Sucks don't it?
Good Luck with the review!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418231 - 12/05/12 07:04 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: cosmos
Enosburg Falls, isnít that the home of the Vermont Dairy Festival, any state where the dairy cows outnumber the people is my kinda place


Sorry but as a dairy farmer I just have to say thanks for saying this. It made my night!!! laugh

It can get pretty lonely on 265 acres and with John Deere and 230 Jersey cows too.

But I like the solitude most of the time. People I don't get...cows I get!

I used to work in a high pressure job and work 14 hour days and never see my family. Now I make my kids breakfast and lunch and drive them to the bus for school. They know I'm always here. I still work a lot and don't play with them as much as they would like - but I am here for them. We used to live in a 'nice' modern house and now we live in a 110 year old renovator's dream. We have a very simple life and I love it! In Australia we call it a 'Tree Change'.

Cee - if you really hate your life that much - maybe you need to think about down sizing or something?

Your family need you more than they need money!

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it is the truth.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#418749 - 12/10/12 04:35 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Good luck, Cee, and feel free to vent here any time you need to. I can understand what you're talking about. Take care, brother. Bob

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#418753 - 12/10/12 05:15 PM * [Re: cosmos]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:17 PM)

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