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#418174 - 12/04/12 03:22 PM isolation
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Iíve always been alone and will always will be; born alone and die alone or whatever the saying is. Not sure if this is a question or a statement or what, but my situation taught me at an early age I had no one on this planet except me who was going to do anything good for me but me; not family, not teachers, not doctors, therapists, and because of my situation didnít even have a god for help. I know that might be familiar to most of you reading this, but is it superficial for me to keep believing this; I post here and have told the wife. I havenít been alone in a long time (saintly wife) but other than that, Iíve always worked alone, travel alone, eat alone, just like then, always alone. I sit in a room typing with about 70 people besides myself, these are all strangers, not even a word or glance between us, sad all of us so alone most of the time; just the echoes of torment inside your skull.
Tired of the road, tired of being alone, tired of being tired, just canít leave a job that pays like this. Life just really sucks sometimes, I just want a couple acres somewhere in Vermont to call home so tired of just wandering, tired of knowing how to drive through NYC or Toronto or some other hellhole of a city, the airport codes ect, it just sucks! Give me 50 acres and a Deere, hell 5 acres and a snow-blower be ok too.

Cee


Edited by cosmos (12/04/12 03:25 PM)
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418175 - 12/04/12 03:38 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Lucky you - you're married?

I wouldn't call that alone. I've never been in a romantic relationship and I'm almost 41. I envy you.

It's all about perspective here. You may not have the friends you want, but at least you found someone willing to commit their life to you.

Also, as long as you're still alive, you have the power to change and grow and adapt. This includes learning how to make the friendships you want to have. You're not a rock and immutable. You will change (that is a guarantee of everything in the universe), and you have the power to mold that change through the choices you make.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#418178 - 12/04/12 04:45 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Just the other day, I was heading home after work, thinking about how the isolation is the worst thing about living with the secret of child abuse. For me, it meant that I never really opened up with my wife. I never really let my guard all the way down. I was always hiding something. Always ashamed. Always alone. But now that I've been open and working toward some measure of happiness and peace for about four years now, it's amazing to me that I'm no longer alone. It's wonderful, honestly, absolutely wonderful. I hope you find some way to understand on your own terms what Magellan just wrote--you can change and you do have the power to make the life you want for yourself.

Good luck. Keep seeking peace. Keep healing. Bob

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#418180 - 12/04/12 05:04 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: cosmos
I just want a couple acres somewhere in Vermont to call home so tired of just wandering,..... Give me 50 acres and a Deere, hell 5 acres and a snow-blower be ok too.


Dear Cee,

I'm in Vermont and I can tell you it can be lonely here too. Geographical cures don't work. Where ever I go I take me along.
_________________________
"There must be some kind of way out of here,"
Said the joker to the thief,
There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief."
Jimi Hendrix

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#418193 - 12/04/12 07:25 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Magellan;
lucky aint the word for it; Iím not sure when exactly my luck changed or what exactly happened but if I was a man of faith Iíd be a definite believer. Personally Iíve had more than a handful of brushes with death, auto accidents, cops, drinking, drugs, illness, falls, you name it, nine lives? Iíve gotta have more than that, Iím still here? Itís so sad that for so long I really didnít want to be alive Iíd wish I was never born, and I acted that out every day, even in my thirties I went through a period where every day I thought of just driving over the embankment and ending it all, guess Iím just a big pussy? Or maybe I really cared about wife/kids I donít know, just never could do it, so even now I couldnít. Thanks for the support, gratitude is something that I need to learn how to give, its like I have to learn how to be a man all over again now that everything that I was brainwashed with has started to fall away.
Robert;
Friday I drive or fly home, Sunday I take off; 45 weeks a year on the road, sometimes over 2 months at a time and other countries too, Iíve had the same job for 8 years now and Iím just tired of being alone on the road, delayed in Philly, snowed in in Chicago, stuck on Canal St. on a Friday afternoon, tired of everyone always being a phone call away, never right down the street, I also need to say that earlier in my life I spent 5 years on a submarine, you could figure 300+ days away from home port every year, it kinda screws you up being gone for so long, there are no phone calls or tv on a boat, youíre under the water. Like right now I sit here all alone in a real shitty motel feeling sorry for myself that Iím in some godforsaken hell without a Sheraton or Crowne Plaza, thank god itís not a motel6. This brings up a big issue right now is that I want to give my 2 weeks and start looking for a new job after Jan1 I just know that on top of everything else that would be the last straw and even my saintly wife would walk away. See prior to this gig I was an IT sub-contractor having been a mainframe and CO telco tech I could really bid on just about everything and life was great prior to 2000, see I was the tech/doer of the business, the wife made sure the bills were paid and handled all the admin work, and the reality is that she worked much more than me even though I used to travel occasionally, she also took care of the house and stuff while also doing some freelance programming, remember y2k? See and Iíve talked to her about this and even though she knows I really want to quit she just wonít support me with this, so I know what the outcome is already so right now I just suffer. See I really do love my job, itís just the travel I hate, itís not that I couldnít be happy with a helpdesk job itís that she wouldnít be happy with the lack of pay, who says money doesnít buy you love. She wouldnít say it but she developed carpel really bad in both wrists and as long as she doesnít spend 12 hours a day typing sheís ok, sheís just afraid that if she has to help pay the rent it will mean ďendless painĒ. Sorry for the rambling.
Jude
the Vermont reference was simply about quitting my current job and not being so transient, Vermont is such a beautiful place, not Bennington or any of that kinda stuff down south or Burlington or that, but places like North Troy, or Enosburg Falls, isnít that the home of the Vermont Dairy Festival, any state where the dairy cows outnumber the people is my kinda place, itís sad that walmart and other ďbigboxĒ stores came in, but hey didnít the homedepot in Brattleboro close?

btw thanx to all for even reading and spending the time to reply to my posts and again to MS for being there for us!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418222 - 12/05/12 05:01 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Hey cosmos......you are not alone....I know that that may not help, but I am in the same boat, on the road, cannot quit. My solution was to try to really value the alone time to soul search and really address my issues. (on the flip side, working in an office all day, with the bullshit politics, meetings etc. would drive me nuts)

Hang in there and keep reaching out. (I am with you on big cities....a realy insane way for people to live)
_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

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#418227 - 12/05/12 06:06 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Sucks don't it?
Good Luck with the review!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418231 - 12/05/12 07:04 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: cosmos
Enosburg Falls, isnít that the home of the Vermont Dairy Festival, any state where the dairy cows outnumber the people is my kinda place


Sorry but as a dairy farmer I just have to say thanks for saying this. It made my night!!! laugh

It can get pretty lonely on 265 acres and with John Deere and 230 Jersey cows too.

But I like the solitude most of the time. People I don't get...cows I get!

I used to work in a high pressure job and work 14 hour days and never see my family. Now I make my kids breakfast and lunch and drive them to the bus for school. They know I'm always here. I still work a lot and don't play with them as much as they would like - but I am here for them. We used to live in a 'nice' modern house and now we live in a 110 year old renovator's dream. We have a very simple life and I love it! In Australia we call it a 'Tree Change'.

Cee - if you really hate your life that much - maybe you need to think about down sizing or something?

Your family need you more than they need money!

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it is the truth.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#418749 - 12/10/12 04:35 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Good luck, Cee, and feel free to vent here any time you need to. I can understand what you're talking about. Take care, brother. Bob

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#418753 - 12/10/12 05:15 PM * [Re: cosmos]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:17 PM)

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#418771 - 12/10/12 11:07 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Lee wish the wife was ready, just the kids our out of school and neither has a ďprofessional jobĒ so itís out of the question now, hell when they graduated neither could find a job in Texas so for about 6 months we all lived in a 900≤/ft condo on a mountain top, loved the views, hated being cramped, also hated having to put chains on just to get up and down the mountain in winter, btw moved down the mountain into 1700≤/ft condo, and yes they still are living in my house @24.
Thanx Bob
Gary I currently live in a small town, under 3500 people, the closest ďbig cityĒ is an hour away and has a whopping 50,000 people, I did grow up in the ďbig cityĒ ATL, but spent lots of time in the swamps of SW FL and the Appalachians, even trekked across some of the AT back in the day. I just always felt so at peace surrounded by nature its where we belong, however I could see living in Manhattan, LA, San Diego, Montreal, Vancouver or Boston, the Vermont thing is just about finally checking out and going low impact, small scale farming, off grid, off some dirt road in some remote mountain hollow, something that the wife supports. No your so right we do isolate ourselves with this shit, and thatís what I mean, even though my wife ďsays sheís there for meĒ, just what she says is not someone who understands, years ago when she was drunk she related a rape experience to me I was there for her, I held her for hours ,and just listened, just her reaction was so cold, when I told her and has not changed, she know the outline and some small details not every last thing hell I donít want to remember every last thing do I ? I just feel so alone, in that way, thatís why I ramble here, cause I can no longer talk to her about this, so whatever, thanx for listening.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418780 - 12/11/12 01:56 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Cee,
If someone had told me two years ago I would be living on Big Island in a remote off-grid community..solar and rainwater catchment system..harvest fruit and medicinal plants from the jungle and finally begin to heal after over three decades of aloneness I would not have believed it.
Sure..maybe some cabin in the California or Oregon mountains or a institution for the unable.
But here I am for the past 1 1/2 years in the Puna, the wet Eastern side of the island.

The Hobit House is owned by Mara and along with five other cottages is on a five acre exotic bird sanctuary with over forty breeding parrots and other game birds plus a pond full of talipia in front of the Hobit House..its all solar and custom tile all over the place and indoor shower with beautiful tile of sea turtles. I lived for seven months in a elevated Solar Hut couple hundred yards up the trail. Mara has grown every kind of fruit allowed on Hawaii there. She also has giant tortoses and two monkeys.

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/big/apa/3463467120.html
This is a great one.

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/big/apa/3461329123.html

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/big/apa/3465414478.html

There are also great family size off-grid homes or the Kona and North side of Big Island where it gets less rain but pricey. Here beautiful three bedrooms go for $850 and up.


_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#418815 - 12/11/12 12:21 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Doug I read your descriptions of where you live sounds idyllic, just I was born up north but grew up in Atlanta, so the seasons were so muted. 10 years ago I spent a winter crisscrossing the mid-west doing network cutovers, even hit the UP of Michigan, oh man the ďwinter wonderland, I could never give up the seasons, imagine waking up to a sunrise and seeing the sun reflected through snow covered trees, thatís a site! $850 a month, thatís what I pay now, just looking for something next door in Vermont, New Hampshire property can be so expensive, and besides Vermont is sooo much more tolerant of certain things, Gov Lynch and the idiots in Concord couldnít figure out medical mj this last session.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418830 - 12/11/12 04:54 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Cee,
Yuppers, the winters I lived in Illinois and the tri-State area there was great..I travelled America with my equipment/coonhounds in a Step-Van job shopping contracts in the wood finishing industries.
Also lived in the Copper River basin Alaska 197-75 in total off-grid log cabin and off the land. The dry cold there was different than the lake effect in Illinois.
I identify with many of the posts about aloneness and isolation. It wasn't untill I no longer work and choosing a place to live...I discovered why I always hit the road and built a career which enabled a run from everything lifestyle.
I don't like being at home..I have no materialistic or domestic values. I never fully furnished the homes I rented and owned.
No fotos on the wall, no family ties, or stuff folks collect and furniture..Televisions or stereos..I can't even turn on a TV nowadays..no shit.
It was me and my artwork, career and the coonhounds.
Now...no longer working I have had to practice being comfortable stayingvin one place...I moved five times since just being here...all within a mile and each time no problems...just like hitting a onramp and down the road.
I lived in maybe 200 different places since 1977.
Right now visiting a lifelong buddy in Vancouver Washington. We were in the Marines together..1st Recon Bn. He remembers when I was abducted. We don't talk much about it though anymore.
So I return in mid-January and plan to rest up a month then do some Island Hopping with my bike..cost $35 to fly the bike...and visit each island for a month. The weather is nice enough to camp and get cheap ohana lodging when I desire...most locals will invite island hoppers to stay with them talk story and aloha then travel on.
I hope you fullfill your desire to do life on Vermont and gain true happiness. We survivors deserve that inner peace and external harmony after what we've been thru and your wife too!
Good chatting on this thread and maybe I'll stick around this time,
Aloha
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#418834 - 12/11/12 06:01 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
WayTooConfused Offline


Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Florida
I feel ya. I may not be physically alone, but I understand the lonliness and isolation of how people treat you, especially when they know the situation your in. People are so fickle. They pretend to know, but it's just a guessing game to them and they have now clue as to what you really go through dealing with the humility of being raped (let alone gang-raped).
_________________________
Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.

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#418842 - 12/11/12 07:15 PM * [Re: cosmos]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:18 PM)

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#418847 - 12/11/12 07:45 PM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Doug thatís wild Iím in metro Seattle til Christmas then Iím off for 2 weeks just weird. See the security of the road, the security of being alone the comfort of being all alone even in the big city, just no trees or critters around. You can tell everyone a different story every day of the week no consistency with anything you do or say, you donít have to, no one will hold you accountable for anything except getting the job done, of course you canít piss anybody off, but then again who cares the boss is 3000mi away and you know you donít have to answer the phone right?
Way & Doug see thatís something that I canít understand either I spent 5 years on a submarine and know 1st hand what happens to like thieves, but your stuff I just donít get? I mean Iím sure it goes on in the submarine force but you gotta understand 120 guys if 3 people know everyone knows, I mean gossip is king, youíre under the water, no tv ,no news, hell on deployment you might not even know who won the superbowl for a week. I have no idea of what itís like except on a boat, your life depends on everyone onboard doing everything they can when the shit hits the fan, not to be presumptuous but I would assume itís the same right, let alone if someoneís shooting at you! I couldnít imagine what it would be like to be stuck on a sewer pipe for 6 months with your sworn enemy, much less if he was in your watch section or division, man I couldnít even imagine if it was a fellow sonarman in your watch section and having to spent 6 hours of every 18 with him, dude I woulda stabbed him in the neck!!!

Cee; former STS1/SS & plankowner on the beautiful SSN7*7
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418885 - 12/12/12 07:07 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 134
Loc: Washington State
Hay cosmos, I am with you. Big citys are no place to live. The five + dream is doable. Life is all about chooses. But yea as Jude said no mater where you go, there you are, but u might as well look out at cows and JD. Iam with you. So it's simple. You start with where you are at. You "pick where you want to end up"
That's the hard part. The idea of something is often better then the reality and you have to sort through all of the implication of a long term plan. But it's like a garden. The idea comes first. Your wife wants what you want just in a difrent order. She need to know your serious about the dream and that you will stick with it and make it happen. She needs to know she is not only in the the dream but its her you want to do the dream with. Selling the plan takes time. You half to help her catch the dream. Lots of fears to help them get past. Security is the main need. That means all kind of stuff. But wifes are good at telling you what that means if you ask and realy want to know. Then just work all that stuff in to the plan. Find the common ground and make it the foundation of the plan. Rember you want to retire in this place. Think about what would still work 25 years from now. ie somebody else owns the cows on the adjacent 80. You get the benofit of you neighbors dream to. Begin with the end in mind and fill in the rest. Baby steps.
It's sound like you have a good idea about what you want. Selling the dream takes time and positive energy. Be persistent yet patient. Get excited about anything your wife wants that fit into that dream. This process could take time. All good thing do. Lastly the plan needs to work on paper. Maybe you keep your curent job for a wile. But hay you get to come home to what looks like a good place to call home. It takes a lot more work to and effort to get our wife on the same page, but hay by the sound of your wife, once on board she do a lot of the work and help make the dream even better then you could on your own.

I believe this is doable for you as well.
I pray for for your dream, you and your wife, the cows but mostly for the JD.

ss smile

btw
doing the journey with your wife trumps the farm.
But man the farms a real good addition.
And maybe a dog smile


Edited by SmartShadow (12/12/12 07:19 AM)

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#424562 - 02/07/13 12:36 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: cosmos
Iíve always been alone and will always will be; .... but my situation taught me at an early age I had no one on this planet except me .....
I know that might be familiar to most of you reading this, but is it superficial for me to keep believing this;
......
Iíve always worked alone, travel alone, eat alone, just like then, always alone. I sit in a room typing with about 70 people besides myself, these are all strangers,


Cee

I am that way also...always alone... I was told by my mother that I was very outgoing as a very small child. But then I got that abuse with other boys by a pedo- who was taking movies. I became very withdrawn and shy. There is a book, Dibs In Search of Self, by Axline. It is an excellent book and a classic of the psychotherapeutic healing arts.

http://www.amazon.com/Dibs-Search-Self-Virginia-Axline/dp/0345339258/

I became like Dibs when I entered school. He is described as hiding under tables, not communicating with either teachers or other children. Dibs' healing is wonderfully described in this book.

I think I slowly progressed in my social skills during elementary school but then more abuse, especially the abuse in the scout camp, drove a much deeper wedge between me and other children and adults. I again became unable to communicate. I had counseling when I was 15. Now I can be in a crowded room and be totally alone. But again I'm slowly improving. I now start up conversations with strangers. I have a small group of friends who meet with me regularly for lunch or breakfast.

So, I conclude that it's a wound from the child abuse I experienced. It had the effect of socially isolating me.

Puffer

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#424583 - 02/07/13 04:21 AM . [Re: cosmos]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:30 PM)

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#424605 - 02/07/13 10:49 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Puff Iím functional but itís just that when youíve grown up raised by yourself I just think that there is no way to ever feel really a part of anything or anyone. That need for belonging to be a part of something is very strong, I never acted out quite like ďDibsĒ but I get it, just that I know no matter what Iíll never be a part of anything, or maybe itís just that Iíll never be able to delude myself into thinking Iím a part of something or someone. Growing up I used to delude myself that I never wanted to be a part of ďitĒ or ďthemĒ but now Iím older and realize all my short comings and issues, and where they came from, not saying Iím perfect and everything came from my abuse but so many of my problems did, not being able to trust, feeling betrayed, being betrayed by parents over and over and over again, and then by my therapist, all that before the age of 15, the ďschool of hard knocksĒ was easy compared. See that was so much a part of it Iím such a person of opposites, I see everything so much different, I have no reason other than some off-handed remarks to go by but I think my dad and his sister were both abused by their father; my father became in his own mind the antithesis of his, and I became the antithesis of him, just like my grandfather; a mister fix-it, a jack of all trades, someone who is competent enough to do about anything around the house although the ďnewĒ vehicles with all the computer crap, I donít touch. I hated my dad everything about him; so I internalized being the opposite of everything he was and little did I realize that he had done the same, and I became just like my grandfather, it makes me violently ill, just like when I first remembered Iíd wake up every morning and vomit, just dry heaves, I hated myself so much, I hated him, I hated that I am him both physically and personality wise just like him, heck I even have his hair, thank god I look like my other grandfather, not short or anything. its why just like as far back as I can remember just wanting to die, just hoping Iíd never get up, its why I took so many chances when I was younger , why even now it would be ok if died, Iíd be over. Now I see things differently, I know my dad did try and apologize before he died, just I couldnít understand then, I didnít want to, but its irrelevant to me, he was never there when it counted, he turned his back on me so long ago, but I get it, I just hope I never have to make the kind of decision he had to make, I canít imagine how he tortured himself, especially being married to that devil of a wife, at least there is some karma in this world, the she-devil is all alone, she even managed to alienate me; ďlet me see your wristsĒ; wtf, are you kidding me, you dumb bitch; you actually think Iíd fail at something? No fucking clue who I am, still wants me to be this poor little abused kid, suicidal, always, just canít leave those I love alone, I know alone. Iíve spent a lot of time with a gun to my head, it wouldnít be a problem to pull the trigger. Not suicidal, just Iíd welcome death, Iíd welcome a way out, I almost think itís the ultimate karmic revenge, letting me figure all this out, letting me stay alive, letting me torture myself, because after all, I canít do it, but neither will karma; karmas a bitch!



Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I barely leave my room, and barely speak to my parents.


Just like me before I left home/institutionalized, understand even now I do nothing other than work and go back to the hotel, stuck yes you heard me stuck in Hawaii, for at least another month, fucking island life just sucks, no open roads, nowhere to just open it up and go, heck I stopped drinking so even the bars are off limits now. Like I said isolation!

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I deleted every single entry I ever made on here not too long ago,


I get it just think itís a great loss to yourself, like your thoughts have no worth, or are you still worried about your dad reading stuff?

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I just feel like I keep drifting further and further away from other human beings.


ditto

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#425027 - 02/12/13 03:21 AM . [Re: cosmos]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:31 PM)

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#425047 - 02/12/13 11:33 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
LaD see your just trying to get through this like we all are some days are so much worse than others, you never know where a thought or a smell or anything can take you, some days are bad some just ok, even in ďparadiseĒ life sucks Iíve been here 2 weeks now and finally realized how everyone sees me, seriously, not everyone but anyone with that ďnormalĒ perspective, normally y Iíd forget about it let alone write about it but it just shows you how fucked ďnormalĒ really is. Iím staying a block off the beach on the 16th floor, only one floor higher. So like anything staying up high means you have money or something, in my case I didnít make the reservations, so thatís just karma, so hereís where it gets interesting, a well-dressed middle age man ďdefinitely not marriedĒ I havenít worn a wedding band in 20 years, and most of the time people see me Iím going to or coming from work, so Iím dressed nice, no shorts or sandals. It finally hit me. I overheard a grown daughter commenting to her mother; wink, wink, nudge, nudge, heís gay, it got me thinking what do other people think of me, well gay but then I thought about it some more, a Richard Geer kinda thing, and the worst a confidence man, wow, people are so effíd up, just ďnormalĒ right.

LaD as a father of 2 24 year-old basement dwellers I canít imagine throwing either of them out, not saying because I have this great relationship with them, just on a human level, you canít. I know how hard it is how cold the streets are how alone alone is, itís why most people get together as soon as they leave home, the thought of being alone let alone making it on their own is something that they canít do, mentally canít do it, life is scary. As a parent I understand what itís like to be shocked at some of the things your children do, but at a certain point they are adults, and as long as there are zero repercussions on yourself, you have to let it go, how do you think I felt when I found out my son was a mod for one of the bigger chan boards out there, I get it, mom thinks heís 1 step ahead of the FBI or some bs like heís a ďleet haxscorĒ or something? Your life is no oneís business but yours but I know how hard that is in reality vs. words on a screen.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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