I was just got a couple of emails telling me i had missed out on my 25 % of my bonus for lack of filling out some paper work correctly . I was mad at first and than started looking to blame . It is policy and I did not fill out the work right so it is my fault . So instead of making excuses or complaining I replied lesson learned .

Than a few minutes pass and I get another email saying I need to follow policy on another issue because I did not handle a Customer Complaint correctly . The information I needed to no it was a Customer Complaint was in an area I had never looked before. So i got mad and upset and tried to blame and started feeling really down like , i am a looser or that I somehow am not good enough smart enough to be in this position,the Fact is I am good enough this was just a simple oversight . I owned it it was just that a mistake and i began to realize this goes on every time I make a mistake . I feel this horrible sense of unworthiness.

This time for some reason I chose to acknowledge this and say enough is enough STOP getting so carried away with this . It was a Mistake and EVERY ONE makes mistakes . I am no different than anyone else . This has been tied to my abuse for far to long and it is time to just take a stand and realize everything is not tied to abuse this is just life .

I no separating abuse from life is very difficult but when I realized I am not in survivor mode any longer . This is something that is just everyday life and to stop tying everything to abuse .


I refuse to allow this feeling to overcome me and denounce it . Because I am worthy , I can not beat myself up any longer for being human that is that

great insight - and a giant step, NLT! sounds like a mature overcomer instead of a victim.

that scenario sounds so familiar to me. one little thing goes wrong - and i have plunged into total self-condemnation and become my own mental, emotional and verbal abuser. it's like there is no middle ground - no shades of grey for us - it is all either good - or it couldn't get any worse. we don't cut ourselves any slack.

yeah - we hold ourselves to a higher standard than "normal" people - but we are human and allowed to fail, too. that's what grace and forgiveness are all about. sometimes those are really hard to apply to ourselves.

NO - this mistake was not tied to abuse - but your reaction to it was. more importantly though - your recognition and breaking of the habit - is about HEALING!

well done.
Lee

PS - though i'm sorry you missed the 25% bonus - this lesson may well be worth even more than that in the long run!

Thanks for sharing this, but sorry about the bonus thing. Your post was so timely, because I have my annual review today. I have spent the last week worrying, even though I am the number two guy in the company.....no matter what I do, I will feel unworthy and just wait to be beat down.

Your comments are inspirational.....maybe I can go in with the attitude that I am good enough (does not help that my female boss was abused as a kid and her issues REALLY come though ie controlling, tearing people down to feel better about themselves etc.)

Congrats on your good work

Thanks for the comments guys appreciate it and you

Like the previous comment also says, your post is inspirational to me too.

The way you want to seperate this incident from the abuse and not connect it is very brave. I know that I myself tend to blame my upbringing and my past for certain things that go wrong. It's too easy to say it's me, i'm an idiot, I get everything wrong, I can't do anything right, I don't deserve this, etc.

Good job for taking a stand and not letting this drag you down and just say that this happened because of your abuse. I believe everything happens for a reason and i'm sure better things will happen for you. Maybe that 25% bonus was worth this life lesson that is going to make you stronger.

You have opened my eyes. Thank you =)

That is an an Awesome way of putting that . I am glad I did get over that because the day progressively got ridiculous. Things were being thrown at me left and right from a managers standpoint . Had a lot of issues to deal with . I just took it in stride and it all worked out .

Thanks for the comment great insight guys