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#418007 - 12/03/12 04:50 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
I did it guys, I went yesterday with couple of new buddies to play tennis, and as I've had some lunch scheduled after that I needed badly shower, we played for more than two hours and you know what that means relating to body odorous, lol.
Even I'm not too much ashamed of my body I can say that I'm extremely anxious sensing that someone (especially men but women also) is watching on me and checking me.
Well I gathered some courage and I took a shower in locker room. I didn't get completely naked and walked to shower but rather I left my underwear on and just in front of shower cabin I put it off. It is not big deal but I feel like I achieved some goal, even smallest victory is victory wink

Pero
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#418059 - 12/03/12 03:49 PM * [Re: Obi]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:12 PM)

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#418067 - 12/03/12 05:11 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
A serious discussion board for small size anxiety / body image issues is Measurection. Lots of guys feel serious heartache when they can't help but notice that Junior ended up with more than they did. There's talk about clothing issues and which friends it is "safe" to go swimming with.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is LPSG (Large Penis Support Group). No joke, people get things assumed about them, especially if they're early bloomers they can attract the wrong kind of attention and get publicly humiliated (or worse). I've seen quite a few serious discussions of CSA there. Be warned - it's got porn-y / hookup-y elements so folks who struggle with "acting out" should use discretion.

I apologize if referring to such sites is not approved of - please feel free to delete if deemed necessary.

So much angst over some gristle that, even if pornishly huge, is still a small part of your body. No matter what you've got there's always a way for someone to make you feel bad about it.

If we're all sharing, I ended up with more than most - but would have gladly traded some back in if it would have let me avoid teenaged excessive male breast development (gynecomastia). You could have an elephant trunk downstairs and still never be respected, never escape the unfathomable humiliation. NEVER showered in gym and wore a t-shirt during the two horrible weeks of gym swim. Guys in the locker room would touch - and pinch - a lot - the pinching was startlingly painful and the lingering pain made me feel weak and feminine. Had those surgically normalized the minute I turned 18 - best money my parents ever spent - but even with a normal male chest it took me years to ever be comfortable changing or swimming or going to a beach, and sort of always remained phobic about my weight / eating for fear if I got heavy they'd grow back (which is impossible - breast tissue not fatty tissue - but that's why its called a phobia and not a doctorial thesis).


Edited by SoccerStar (12/03/12 06:29 PM)
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#418074 - 12/03/12 07:04 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3206
Loc: back in the USA
i have been debating with myself whether to post this, and since this thread came up again, i'll go ahead. the first part is clinical. the second half is personal. sorry - it is LONG...

Does anyone know anything about Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)?
I just heard of it recently and looked it up and it sure sounds like me. And probly applies to many others here too.
There are lots more details available – but I’ll quote the parts that got my attention:

Symptoms
Common symptoms of BDD include:
• Obsessive thoughts about (a) perceived appearance defect(s).
• Obsessive and compulsive behaviors related to (a) perceived appearance defect(s) (see section below).
• Major depressive disorder symptoms.
• Delusional thoughts and beliefs related to (a) perceived appearance defect(s).
• Social and family withdrawal, social phobia, loneliness and self-imposed social isolation.
• Suicidal ideation.
• Anxiety; possible panic attacks.
• Chronic low self-esteem.
• Feeling self-conscious in social environments; thinking that others notice and mock their perceived defect(s).
• Strong feelings of shame.
• Avoidant personality: avoiding leaving the home or only leaving the home at certain times.
• Dependent personality: dependence on others, such as a partner, friend or family.
• Inability to work or an inability to focus at work due to preoccupation with appearance.
• Problems initiating and maintaining relationships (both intimate relationships and friendships).
• Alcohol and/or drug abuse (often an attempt to self-medicate).
• Repetitive behavior (such as constantly (and heavily) applying make-up; regularly checking appearance in mirrors; see section below for more associated behavior).
• Seeing slightly varying image of self upon each instance of observing a mirror or reflective surface.
• Perfectionism (undergoing cosmetic surgery and behaviors such as excessive moisturizing and exercising with the aim to achieve an ideal body type and reduce anxiety).
• Note: any kind of body modification may change one's appearance. There are many types of body modification that do not include surgery/cosmetic surgery. Body modification (or related behavior) may seem compulsive, repetitive, or focused on one or more areas or features that the individual perceives to be defective.

Compulsive behaviors
Common compulsive behaviors associated with BDD include:
• Compulsive mirror checking, glancing in reflective doors, windows and other reflective surfaces.
• Alternatively, inability to look at one's own reflection or photographs of oneself; also, removal of mirrors from the home.
• Attempting to camouflage the imagined defect: for example, using cosmetic camouflage, wearing baggy clothing, maintaining specific body posture or wearing hats.
• Use of distraction techniques to divert attention away from the person's perceived defect, e.g. wearing extravagant clothing or excessive jewelry.
• Excessive grooming behaviors: skin-picking, combing hair, plucking eyebrows, shaving, etc.
• Compulsive skin-touching, especially to measure or feel the perceived defect.
• Unmotivated hostility toward people, especially those of the opposite sex (or same sex if homosexual).
• Seeking reassurance from loved ones.
• Excessive dieting or exercising, working on outside appearance.
• Self-harm.
• Comparing appearance/body parts with that/those of others, or obsessive viewing of favorite celebrities or models whom the person suffering from BDD wishes to resemble.
• Compulsive information-seeking: reading books, newspaper articles and websites that relate to the person's perceived defect, e.g. losing hair or being overweight.
• Obsession with plastic surgery or dermatological procedures, often with little satisfactory results (in the perception of the patient). In extreme cases, patients have attempted to perform plastic surgery on themselves, including liposuction and various implants, with disastrous results.
• Excessive enema use (if obesity is the concern).

* * *
Psychological

Teasing or criticism
It has been suggested that teasing or criticism regarding appearance could play a contributory role in the onset of BDD. While it is unlikely that teasing causes BDD, likewise, extreme levels of childhood abuse, bullying and psychological torture are often rationalized and dismissed as "teasing," sometimes leading to traumatic stress in vulnerable persons. Around 60% of people with BDD report frequent or chronic childhood teasing.

Parenting style
Similarly to teasing, parenting style may contribute to BDD onset; for example, parents who either place excessive emphasis on aesthetic appearance, or disregard it altogether, may act as a trigger in the genetically predisposed.

Other life experiences
Many other life experiences may also act as triggers to BDD onset; for example, neglect, physical and/or sexual trauma, insecurity and rejection.

* * *
Personality
Certain personality traits may make someone more susceptible to developing BDD. Personality traits which have been proposed as contributing factors include:
• Perfectionism
• Introversion / shyness
• Neuroticism
• Sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• Unassertiveness
• Avoidant personality
• Schizoid personality
• Shyness
• Social phobia
• Social anxiety disorder

* * *

That was from the Wiki article. It puts things in convenient bullet lists so it’s easier to read. Other sites say very similar things.

Nearly every point sounds like me – except for the cosmetics, medical procedures/surgery and enemas (the last because it was part of my abuse.) as I read through the descriptions it made a lot of sense to me.

When I was under 5, I never gave a thought to my body. It was just there and everything was fine. I was not self-conscious or embarrassed or even aware of my appearance or differences from others, as far as I can remember. After mom married the step-dad, that all changed. He made me shower with him. I was starting to be aware of a contrast and comparison. Especially in the genital area. And that was all too obvious because his were right at my eye level in the shower so the differences were hard for me to avoid. We helped “wash” each other… and the differences became more obvious. I started to feel embarrassment when I was naked. I didn’t like to be seen.

When I had just turned 11, my best friend pressured me to show & tell and he brought another friend. We were all amazed at the differences. They were both small and smooth. I was already (as I now know) adult in size and every other detail. They touched me and I got aroused. That was even more incredible to them. I misunderstood their reaction. They were impressed and envious but I thought that they were the normal ones and that I must be a freak. The differences between us were so dramatic that I felt absolutely sick. I was sure that there must be something terribly wrong with me to be deformed in this way.

By the next day, everyone at school knew about me and I was repeatedly beleaguered by many others with requests and demands to show them, too. I pulled into my shell and tried to avoid these confrontations – but was periodically forced to comply. I became an instant celebrity. I felt like an absolute abomination – a little boy with “huge” s*x organs (only slightly above average for an adult man.) everyone wanted to see me at the max size and would make me show it. and all the attention became very arousing to me. I did not disappoint my eager audiences – though I tried my best to prevent erections.

From that point on, I worried about my disproportionate abnormality. I would try to hide it any way I could – tight underwear, long shirt tails, holding or carrying things in front of me. I worried so much about getting erections that I got them even more frequently because I was always thinking about it.

That was in the spring of my 5th grade. So – I am convinced that I have the biggest one in town – and am mortally humiliated by that. Then comes 6th grade. I have PE in a class with boys my age as well as some older ones. And one of them is older by far – has repeated at least one grade and is big for his age as well. So he must have been about 15 – and also an early bloomer – but he is big all over – a real muscle-man. I was forced to compare myself with him. And he is bigger soft than I am hard. And suddenly I feel tiny and insignificant again – like when I was first exposed to the step-dad.

Now I am incredibly confused. Am I a gigantic freak – or am I a miniscule freak? For some reason, my brain cannot conceive of the possibility that there is any middle ground.

Starting then, I have had a compulsion to compare myself with any other male that I can catch a glimpse of. And nothing seems to be able to reassure me that I am normal. I have researched all the studies and statistics. I have looked at thousands of photos – both clinical and p*rn. I have observed in real life whenever I had the chance (feels really creepy to confess that) – and nothing seems to let me stop worrying about it. I feel compelled to know if I am bigger or smaller than every other guy I see. And I flip back and forth between feeling too big and too small. Even though I know I am just fine – within the usually quoted normal figures – definitely not at one extreme or the other.

I wrote this a couple of months ago. Now I have made peace with myself. I am content just as I am.

Lee


Edited by traveler (12/03/12 07:08 PM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#418083 - 12/03/12 08:43 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 626
Loc: Southeast USA
.
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You take a walk and you try to understand
Nothing can hurt you
Unless you want it to... R.E.M./Pylon "Crazy"


My Story: Cruel Summer

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#418135 - 12/04/12 07:11 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ok I just spent an hour typing a really long reply here and then clicked something and it all went away frown So I'll start again - just know it was better the first time. smile

Will, Lee - I can identify with you both!
(I was just reminded of the name my dad used to call me - Willy. It was not a term of endearment - more of a taunt. (you will see why below).

Firstly my dad was/is very vain. He would also comment on our appearance growing up. I never felt good enough. He would say stuff like I was too hairy....too skinny....to tall....to small...too big....nose too big....ears too big....toes weird...etc. So needless to say I developed some issues with the way I looked. Even today I would have plasic surgery if I could afford it. Now I kind of get that I'm a good looking guy - but that isn't good enough. I NEED to be perfect...maybe then my dad will be proud of me and love me. Anyway this is about penises.

My past is very similar to the other Lee's. From 4-8 I was exposed to my brother's (14-18) full grown penis while I was servicing him sexually. He was huge in comparison to me. I remember there being comments about how tiny I was when he touched me for the first time. So I was Tiny.

Then at 10 puberty hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was the size of an average adult man on a skinny little 10 year old body. I was freakishly huge. At that time an older boy (12) played doctor with me and found my secret. He was just starting puberty and was much smaller in size down there. Like Will, I was uncircumcised which is not common for a male my age in Australia. He was circumcised and became obsessed with my huge uncut penis and wanted to do all sorts of things with it. I was like an amusement park attraction. Sexual stuff happened for the next couple of years. After that I have had a love/hate relationship with my foreskin. I too considered adult circumcision but luckily decided against it.

The ideal of my freakish size became more fixed when the family doctor discovered my 'secret' during a check up. By this time I was bigger still. She fondled my erect penis on more than one occation and the first time even asked my mum to come and have a look. (I have only just realised in the last few weeks that this was not OK) They talked about it not being normal and there must be something seriously wrong with me. The doctor said she thought I might have a tumor in the adrenal glands or in the pituitary gland. They did a lot of tests which all came back normal. So now I am a freak with a huge penis. It was after this that my dad started to call me WIlly.

When I started acting out as a teenager with older men one man in particular was HUGE. He made me feel small again.

So...now that I have grown into my penis and it isn't freakishly big anymore I toggle between feeling tiny and feeling huge (mostly tiny). This was made worse because most of the guys I have been with were the same size or bigger. Not to mention Porn. I was looking at penis size stats today and even though on paper I am above average I still don't beleive it. All the stats must be wrong!! Over the years I have done the exercises and have made it bigger only to find it go back to normal after I stop doing them. It is an obsession with me.

I guess my point is that you don't actually have to have a small penis for CSA to make you think you have a small penis. CSA messes with your mind. It changes the way you think about yourself. Most of us were not fully developed when we were abused so it is only natural that we should feel inferior when compared to our abusers.

Now, I understand that there is a difference between having a 'real' small penis and 'perceived' small penis. But my feelings feel 'real' to me. If that makes sense. I also acknowledge that in the same way that CSA affected my hormones to make me mature early it can also stunt penis growth. Each causes their own set of problems.

I am trying to accept myself inside and out for who I really am - not who my abusers taught me to beleive I am.
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