It is oh so hard
to live this life
to be here in this body
knowing what I know

To have loved him,
giving my body, my mind and my soul
to my lover, my other, my whole

Imagine all that I am
that is good and wholesome
that defines love
was born out of me and him

I knew it was wrong to love another male
I knew it was wrong to love my brother, my twin
I knew there was so much violence and pain
clinging to each other for solace against the storm

I still feel the sting of the betrayal
I still remember the feeling of loss
I feel today sometimes like a shadow of myself
as if there is no one in here, all is just a reflection of the past

I mourned for him,
I grieved for him,
His scorn and hate were an ill fitting garment
that scratched and bit at my flesh

I know today that I am whole without him.
the road across the desert that brought me here
was deadly and terrifying
the changes I have wrought so complete and utterly deep...

I know this is survival
I know this is still painful sometimes
and lacks sweet color,
but it is safe and it is where I am whole

For those of us who are LGBT let me offer that this is poetry, blank verse which springs forth from the pen upon thought, not a carefully crafted submission. I don't think it is wrong to love a man, nor will I ever participate in agreement that it is wrong in any way. I was raised in the South and those statements were meant to indicate my extreme internalized homophobia caused by my parents rejection, by the pervasive religion's objection to my orientation. by my general "taught" intolerance of my self and my own views.

i get it. wish i didn't.
very sensitive of you to add the note, bodyguard.
lee