I have grown up being somebody completely different to who I would have been. But at this point in my life, I feel like I wouldn't want to be anybody else.

Even though I feel so messed up, confused and sometimes like I just don't belong, I don't want to change who I am. I wish everyday that I was stronger, confident, able to cope with things better, different or just normal. And yet at the same time I have reached a point where I acually want this to be my life.

Without my past and everything that happened to me, I have no identity. This is all I have. And I want to keep that.

I feel broken, but this is me. I know no matter how much therapy I go through or how much I grow in time, I will always carry this with me. And that doesn't phase me any more. There used to be a time when I thought the only way to overcome and forget about this was suicide. Now i've learned to accept that blocking it out and pretending it never happened doesn't work for me. It's there. It happened. That's my life.

Can anyone relate to feeling like this?

Welcome and I and everyone here understands. We are broken but can heal. You said "I always will carry this with me" is true. It is part of us, but we need to re-program ourselves on how we view the abuse and the abuser. We need to think and believe those events and the person do not control us--we need to take back our life. Please do not look at suicide as an option--the abuser will have won and look for supporters who will help you and not harm you or push you down. Blocking and denial will only keep the pain within you. Please find support, find compassionate and good people who have open hearts and minds. Those that tantalize you will not be the ones to help you rise above the abuse.

Keep posting, open you mind and heart when you feel safe. Take your time. We are here for you.

Yup,
Warts and all. I would not be who I am today had I not experienced what I did. I'm thankful for this life, and really thankful that within me dwells a presence that allows me to be and become and change. Encouraging others to "rise above" gets me pretty jazzed too!
Dewey

jcm - i LIKE how you expressed this. and i think it is a very important part of recovery. i'm getting there. feeling more comfortable in my own skin than i ever have before.

self-acceptance is so hard when you've been criticized, judged, condemned, and rejected from early childhood. at least that's what it felt like. those early memories were so deeply ingrained that it has been difficult to re-program my mind and emotions. even though i have had adequate success and some decent accomplishments and acceptance in certain areas - i always felt like it was based on deception - "if they only knew what i was really like, they wouln't have any respect for me or good things to say about me."

one of my greatest fears when i entered therapy was that i would have to change so much in order to heal that i would not be my self anymore. i was afraid of losing my identity - and that was all i had. just like you said:

"Without my past and everything that happened to me, I have no identity. This is all I have. And I want to keep that."

in one of my most recent sessions with my T i said pretty much this same thing. it was a very emotional time. he pointed out that i have been changing quite significantly - but am still the same person - but a newer improved version - stronger, free-er, and more able to deal with life in a healthy way. i broke down completely. one of the first times i was able to receive and believe an affirmation without reservations: ("maybe - but...") i am better able to let go of the bad stuff as i see good stuff gradually taking its place...

there is something about integrating the past into the present that is good - neither denying and rejecting it - not giving it too much power to dominate and control - but getting it into perspective and balance.

thanks for this observation! it helped me realize what is going on in my life.
Lee

I can relate. I was broken without even knowing it. Now that I'm aware of it, I'm still sorting through it all----and even feeling nostalgic for the days before I confronted this. Of course, you can't put it off forever. Sooner or later, you have to stop running and take it on---on your own terms.

Think about not what you could have been, but what you want to be. It's easier said than done---I know that. Still, use the MS boards as resource and seek additional help when you need it.

I once read in a hiker logbook on the Appalachian Trail that "somewhere a sixty year old man is telling an 80 year old man he is too old to hike up and down mountains. I couldn't tell from the text who was claiming to be too old. I think that is the point.....it's never too late to start a journey.

JC

I can relate too.

I tried so long to pretend not to be broken that I almost convinced myself I wasn't. We all know that doesn't last forever and sooner or later something has to give and it did.

The truth is that I am starting to be ok with being broken and realise that it has made me a better person. It has made me humble and caring about others. It has made me a better father and friend. It is part of who I am. To be honest if I wasn't 'broken' I would probably be an arrogant prick.

'Even though I feel so messed up, confused and sometimes like I just don't belong, I don't want to change who I am.'

I'm starting to accept who I am and not 'hate' myself for being the way I am. That doesn't mean I don't want to change some things - it just means that those things are not who I am.

Hope that makes sense.

Hey JCM,

Spot on!

It reminds me of the tagline "It's never too late to be who you were meant to be."

Hope you are doing well-after all, what else is there to do?

Jamie