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#417932 - 12/02/12 12:51 PM I was seen as a pedophile
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39
My otherwise pleasant weekend took a rather nasty turn today. I took my mom and her friend to the botanical gardens to attend a flower show and listen to a talk on how to grow and take care of fuchsias. While they were at this event, I wondered through the beautiful gardens, camera in hand. Photography is a hobby of mine and I am always in search of "the perfect photo". At a pond surround by lawns and with trees and mountains as backdrop, I stopped to take some pictures. Everywhere people were enjoying the sunshine and being so close to nature. Tourists were taking photos of the each other surrounded by the beautiful scenery. I looked at the scene in front of me and lifted my camera to take my photo. I knew it was a good photo and did not need to take a another one. I walked on, happy and relaxed. Then I heard someone call. I turned around because I thought I might have left something by the pond when I took the photo and looked for the caller. A man was waving his finger at me. "Do not take photos of my children" he said. I was stunned but immediately knew what he was on about. I turned around and walked on (did I act wrong here, what was I supposed to do?), feeling upset and suddenly guilty. A woman was calling behind me, demanding that I hand my camera over to her. I stopped and asked her not to harass me. She insisted on seeing my camera, saying that she saw me aiming at her children and I handed it over to her. Behind her were her 2 young sons and the father. I noticed that the one son was naked under his t-shirt, a fact that I only then became aware of. I hate writing this because it sounds like I am trying to defend myself. I tried to help the woman in finding the photos but she pulled away from me saying that she knows how to operate a camera. I heard her clicking through my photos, scrutinizing each picture. She did not find the naked pictures (or any pictures) of her children and handed my camera back to me. I asked her for an apology and she started telling me that I must understand that there are many sick people around. Well, that made me feel much better. I said "apology accepted” and walked away from them. My insides were shaking, my day was spoiled, I wanted to cry, to run away and hide. I was seen as a creep, taking photos of naked little boys, a pedophile. Were the parents within their rights to act this way? Did I really act like the creep they made me out to be? Many people were taking photos at the exact same spot, was I singled out because I was a man walking around on my own with a camera around my neck?
I know that I must see this as a learning experience and be more careful in future. But a scab was ripped off, leaving raw and exposed flesh. I wish I could sit down and talk to the parents, tell them that I am a survivor of csa. I also know that this would make things even worse, giving them even more reason to suspect me.
Tonight I am sad and alone. I can only tell my story here, hoping that other survivors will believe me and understand how I felt at that moment when I was seen as a sexual abuser.


Edited by Dolphinboy (12/02/12 12:54 PM)
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

Top
#417933 - 12/02/12 01:25 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Don't accept their fear, hate or anger.

It was not about you. You were doing nothing wrong.

Go to that place Inside that knows you were doing nothing wrong. Listen to that.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#417934 - 12/02/12 01:44 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Dolphin ....
You didn't do anything wrong !!!
It was an open place ... full of people ... and some of them were children. You weren't taking pictures of the children with anything but the most innocent of intentions. The fact that one of the children was perhaps a little under clothed is completely irrelevant.
This was not the beach with scantily clad families enjoying a sunny day or a little water park with kids in their underwear running through sprays of water.
The parents, I think, were a little overprotective, but although what they did made you feel bad take some comfort from the fact that those people were doing what they should be doing ... protecting their little ones ... and those of others.
Each of you resolved the situation respectfully ... and it does seem obvious that the woman was not just looking for the pictures of her own children ... but to see if all the other ones were of children too ... and therefore doing what all people should do ... getting involved when something doesn't feel right.
You both did an admirable thing. She was undoubtedly relieved to find that her suspicions were unfounded and left feeling she was good mother and person, and that you were just somebody who's hobby was snapping pictures of the world around him.
You went through it without letting your own 'triggers' lead you into overreacting, and left with well earned dignity.
We all live with the fear that what was done to us might lead us to do the same to another.
Our sensitivities have been warped by those with absolutely none at all ... don't let theirs ruin
yours.
Everything that happened unfolded exactly as it should have.
Be proud of how you got through it.
smile
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#417939 - 12/02/12 02:30 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39
Thank you guys, your response is a great help to me. I have never been in a situation like this, where I was suspected to be a pedophile and it was a shock to me. If you know my story (brother is a convicted pedophile), you will understand how close to home this is for me.
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

Top
#417940 - 12/02/12 02:38 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Were the parents within their rights to act this way?

FUCK NO!

And I can't say that strong enough. You were in a public place doing what anyone else could and would be doing. If they were so concerned then they should have not been there.

Quote:
I noticed that the one son was naked under his t-shirt

And why the hell was that? If something happened that needed the removal of the childs cloths then they should have found a bathroom or asked a private location.

Their action would have disturbed anyone.

Quote:
I asked her for an apology and she started telling me that I must understand that there are many sick people around.

Yes and she is one of them.

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#417941 - 12/02/12 02:58 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39
Thanks for the response Candu, at least I had a good chuckle at your last remark grin
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

Top
#417954 - 12/02/12 05:20 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 747
Loc: michigan
hey my friend
I have to agree with the others who have said what was the boy doing out naked in public? I hate to think of the possible reasons. the parents were the ones WAY out of line here and I think I might have called a guard or even the police to question them. you had every right to be in that place and nothing whatever to be ashamed of I am sorry they made you feel that way
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#417966 - 12/02/12 06:51 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
I'd like to tell you about a little something that happened to me some years ago.
I was alone and sauntering along in a large shopping mall ...
It wasn't that busy but there were lots of people walking around.
Suddenly a little hand slipped into mine ... and I realized that I was walking in step with a mother and her little boy ... not sure how old he was because I didn't dare look down at him ... I just kept walking with his little hand in mine.
I was petrified!
How would this be interpreted if the Mom saw it ...
What would happen if he looked up and saw I wasn't who he thought he was holding hands with ... and started to freak out ...
Had his Dad just stepped away for a split second, and would turn back to see a strange man holding his son's hand ...
Should I try to quietly get his Mom's attention and to, as discretely as possible, let her know what was happening without alarming the boy .....
That all flashed through my mind in milliseconds.
It all hinged on ... was this just an innocent thing that she would instantly understand and chuckle with me over it ....
or would she notice and start screaming 'pervert!' at me ...
Luckily the woman turned to go into a store and the boy let go ... never to know how close he came to giving a nice stranger a heart attack.
I don't know why I felt I should tell this story ... perhaps to illustrate just how easily simple things can get way out of hand ....

and for the record ... I am certain that you said ... "the boy was naked under his t-shirt"
what was he supposed to be wearing under a t-shirt ?

I stand by my statement that the parents had every right to be concerned ...
what if it had been a man who's camera was loaded with pictures of little boys?

Maybe if my parents had been paying closer attention ... or for that matter any attention at all ...

Maybe I wouldn't have to be here ...
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#417968 - 12/02/12 07:24 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Shyshark]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Shyshark
and for the record ... I am certain that you said ... "the boy was naked under his t-shirt"
what was he supposed to be wearing under a t-shirt ?

Under as in below. Like, no shorts or pants or bathingsuit or underware.

Originally Posted By: Shyshark
I stand by my statement that the parents had every right to be concerned ...
what if it had been a man who's camera was loaded with pictures of little boys?

They certainly can be concerned. But they also have to be responsible.

Quote:
I asked her for an apology
And didn't get one. I would think that would be the least they could do.

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#417969 - 12/02/12 08:21 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi Candu ... I don't want to fight about this ... but

I got thrown by the 'botanical gardens' thing ...
my mistake ... to me it implies a defined space where people walk along paths to see the specialty plants ... and I certainly got the reference to the wide open spaces ... but got stuck on the 'gardens'

It absolutely never crossed my mind that the boy was completely naked from the waist down ... that's why I was so puzzled ...
like ... "what was the kid supposed to be wearing under a t-shirt .. a parka?"

and as for the apology ... Dolphin clearly said ... "apology accepted"
she must have said something to make D feel better ...

LOL
sorry ... I don't know how to do whatever you do to get specific passages into those little boxes ....

anyway ... I'm kinda glad we had this exchange ... for me ... it goes to show how easily one can make mistakes even when something is laid out as plain as day right before your eyes ...
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#417996 - 12/03/12 01:28 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi Dolphinboy ....

It occurs to me that we've turned your story into a little battleground ...
I sure didn't mean to do that.
I hope it won't discourage you from sharing more of your experience with us.

Sharky
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#417998 - 12/03/12 01:48 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I think the parents were way out of line in letting their child walk around naked from the waist down, in public. WTF? Put him on display for every pedophile and sicko who happens to walk by, and then, when someone who happens to have a camera walks by, suddenly become over-protective and basically accuse him of being a pedophile?

It would have been so much easier to understand their actions if they didn't put their child on display first... mad
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#418008 - 12/03/12 05:32 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39
Thank you for sharing that story with us Shyshark, it brought a smile to my face. I recall a very similar incident that took place years ago. Today I am not sure whether it was me who did it or whether I saw a child taking a strangers hand, but I do remember the story having a happy ending. The boy got a bit of a fright when he realized his mistake and the adults all had a good laugh on his behalf, leaving him with nothing more than a slight embarrassment.
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

Top
#418009 - 12/03/12 06:10 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this forum. It was great for me to be able to talk about this incident and read your responses. It was a particularly shocking experience for me as my own brother is a convicted pedophile.
Just to clarify 2 points;
Only when the mother rushed up to me, did I notice that the son following her had no pants on. He was only wearing a short t-shirt with nothing BELOW that, totally free willy. My first reaction at seeing this was shock and I wanted to ask the woman if she realized that her son was naked, but wisely decided against this.
Secondly, after handing my camera back to me, I asked for an apolgy. She was obviously still worked up and not willing to admit her mistake. Instead she started telling me that there are a lot of sick people around. This I did not want to hear, so I said "apology accepted" and walked away from them.
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

Top
#418041 - 12/03/12 10:59 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Straight from the Fishy's mouth ...
a clarification .... for the Sharky

(vvvvvvvv)
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#418043 - 12/03/12 11:32 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I'm guessing they singled you out because you appeared to be without a GF or bride and they saw no kids with you. that's usually what triggers that behavior.

I too do LOTS of photography and nearly all of it has people. I hate still-life unless its pretty darn dramatic on its own. I've employed child models and adults. I get written permission and agreements prior to any shooting...but what you describe here is public-display of flowers, back-drop and people. A child's face among/within floral material is a sure-shot winner photo.

I'm guessing you were not in the USA, as kids don't normally walk around in that mode any longer...(I did as a wee-one at the ocean, but its certainly frowned upon in this era). But the parent was WAY WAY out of order with her behaviour. I may have been tempted to let her see the cameral real-real up-close....and hard.

The responsibility stands with the parents. PERIOD - No exception! The protective measures they take cannot be assaulting you and your feelings. They were SO wrong.

As a rule of thumb, I personally would never do any deliberate shooting of kids at the beach, zoo, ...anywhere without a verbal agreement from the adult at least. If there are kids present at a shoot and no parents, I don't/won't shoot them. It happens at the skateboarding and surfing events my kids are involved in. It makes things rather difficult to get a skateboard jump if there are other kids in-frame...and photoshop does not always do what you wish.

Many years ago, i carried business cards with all of my information (Identification) and contact methods (like email and phone) and would hand it to adults with or without kids. I would even feel like I had to do that with home-owners if i shot their house from the street. If hot cars are at an auto-show, or flowers at a floral show...its shutters-free! Same with any public competition unless there is a sign or announcement of no-photography.

I always offer the people involved a print, email PDF, or whatever. I just knock or approach and say "hey....I never like to shoot someone's house, flowers, garden or person without permission." No one ever said "no-shoot" with that method of introduction. They become comfortable and you nearly always learn great things about them. Sometimes you can get some really cool planned and deliberate additions to a shoot, like an old-lady on the porch of her 100-yo home.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#418045 - 12/03/12 12:17 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39
Hi Still, thank you commenting on my post. I must say that I have learnt from this experience and will be more careful in future when I take photos while there are kids running around in the area. I am glad to hear that so many guys feel that it was wrong of the parents to let their children play naked in public. I want to put this incident behind me now. The parents were rude and turned my day from bright to miserable, but in the end I have forgiven them because they were defending their children and although my day was spoilt, at least the lives of the children weren't ruined. In a perfect world, I would have calmly spoken to them and asked them if they are now at ease that I am not the monster they suspected me to be. Then I would have bid them farewell and waved goodbye to the children. But I was so upset that I could hardly speak and just wanted to get away from them.
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

Top
#418046 - 12/03/12 01:00 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
DolphinBoy,
I can empathize with your fear about this. I am an photography hobbyist and have found myself in this almost exact situation of being by myself and seeing the perfect picture of kids enjoying their surroundings and feel like I need to capture the art. I haven't had parents repromand me about it, thankfully. But I can understand where you are coming from and I too have had that nagging fear if others will perceive me as a perp.
You didn't do anything wrong in my eyes!
_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#418049 - 12/03/12 01:30 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Let me get this right, these people choose to have their child undressed in a public place...then protest they are concerned about creeps in the world? They are whacked totally, like these two people I know from school who were deciding to breast feed a four year old, and in public yet...and who also acted like they were surprised that they got looks. What really sucks is that csa survivors are somehow thought of as automatic predators. No one says female rape victims become rapists. I'll just add it to my list of things I do not understand about life. But, you did nothing wrong at all...NOTHING.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#418064 - 12/03/12 04:36 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
I'm sitting here with nothing more to do than watch tv ... so I'll share my experiences as an airline passenger rep with you.
This of course was 25 ... 30 years ago.

Airlines have what is known in the industry as an "UM" ... an unaccompanied minor ... kids traveling alone between the ages of 5 and 12.

Twice in those early years I had no choice but to strip a 5 year old down to his socks.
One threw up 1/2 a hamburger and spilled his glass of coke all over himself ...
The other wet himself ...
Both were stuck at the airport due to weather problems and would be with us for hours.

Without a second thought I took each of those boys into our staff bathroom (sink and toilet) and stripped them down to their socks, gave them a sponge bath as best I could, washed their little undies and the tail part of their shirts with hand soap in the sink, and sponged off as best I could their dress pants. I couldn't stand there for hours trying to dry the clothes under the air dryer so i dried them to damp, and hung them up. I put the boys in my clean and ironed 'emergency' uniform shirt from my locker, took them back to our back office where we kept them while waiting, and redressed them when their clothes were dry.
That was standard procedure ... guys cleaned up the boys and women cleaned up the girls.
What were we supposed to do? ... leave the poor kid in his own stench for 4 or 5 hours!
Staff members routinely took little ones home with them if a kid was stuck overnight ... ideally one of us who had kids too.
A little note would be sent home with the child explaining the circumstances ... and that was that!

For one of the boys a basket of fruit was delivered to me at the airport 2 days later with a card from his parents thanking me for being so kind to their son.

DO you think that is still standard procedure ????? ...

...... NO .... !!!!!

How sad.

Under similar circumstances today we would still do what we could ... but with 2 staff members present ... the kid would NEVER be naked ... and some detailed official paperwork would be filled out to send on to the parents.
If the kid was to be stuck for a long period of time (international flights) he would have been turned over to social services.

Very young children then were more innocent and trusting than now and they never thought anything of how we helped them ... and nor did their parents.
Obviously we never ran into situations like that with older kids ... but a few got into trouble but they were taken into privacy and allowed to deal with the more intimate aspects of their own care ... although on a few occasions one of us did have to do a bit of laundry.

Now I know what's going through your minds ... why didn't we retrieve their baggage and get fresh clothes for them? ... well ... my two were on day flights and didn't have a bag.
People don't seem to understand how time consuming it would be to try and find a particular bag in a fully loaded aircraft ... that means opening the cargo hold and holding up two ramp attendants for a long time.

Things were simpler then, and then as now, there are sure to be sickos among airline staff too.

The only way to keep a child 100% safe is to lock him in a cement room and never take your eyes off the door ... and even then ... the jailer has the key.

When all is said and done we were betrayed.
We just weren't lucky.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#418075 - 12/03/12 07:17 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Shyshark]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Shyshark
Twice in those early years I had no choice but to strip a 5 year old down to his socks.
One threw up 1/2 a hamburger and spilled his glass of coke all over himself ...
The other wet himself ...
Both were stuck at the airport due to weather problems and would be with us for hours.


OK...you just brought flashbacks of holiday travel with my wee-ones. I am SO happy they can run to puke in a toilet all by themselves now...

At least I hope they can at 11 & 14.

Sorry......WAY off topic here.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#418170 - 12/04/12 02:44 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
No ... it's not off topic Still ... it brought up thoughts of your own children, and vacations.
So let me clear up a few things.

This was rarely a vacation for them. Sometimes it was fun for them... often it was not.
Being shuttled back and forth between bitterly divorced parents was not a vacation.
I remember walking a little girl to the gate to take her flight and chatting about where she was going and why ... and she responded ...
"I'm going to live with my grandma ... my daddy is in jail and my mom doesn't want me anymore."
Just try keeping tears from your eyes when an 8 year old suddenly confronts you with that.

Those boys, like all UMs, were ALONE, and were placed in our OFFICE where the wall was solid window ... for their safe keeping.
Agents came and went constantly to do paperwork, sit and have a coffee or eat on their breaks ... the children were rarely alone for more than a minute or two, and there were toys and books and a tv, and 2 small couches if they wanted to have a nap.
There was no bathroom facility nearby. They were told to tell one of us if they needed to go and one of us would take them to the public washrooms ... even if they were already 12, and an agent would stand nearby until they had finished.

I myself was sitting at one end of the counter we used for work while the one boy, having said he was hungry, was eating a hamburger and fries, brought for him from the restaurant, was at the other end. I suddenly heard him push his chair violently away from the counter and vomit all over himself and spill his coke in his lap.

The other boy had sat quietly for God knows how long in a puddle of his own pee until one of us noticed.

I was the only male on duty both times.

And I was lucky ... a few other agents had to deal with much worse than vomit or urine.

The children were always upset ... usually embarrassed ... but often afraid of what the person picking them up would have to say about all the trouble and personal embarrassment to themselves the kid had caused ... my 2 boys certainly were.
And exactly how do you think a blubbering 5 year old is supposed to clean himself up ... including a urine sodden pair of undies.
And ... this was an AIRPORT!!!!
We had work to do. This had to be done as quickly as possible and without further upsetting the child. Older ones were far worse time wise ... it could take them forever to do it themselves ...
and they wanted and deserved privacy at an older age ... so an agent would have to be near them until they were done.

So even an 11 year old who doesn't say something soon enough ... can't just run to a toilet to puke in 30 seconds or less.

Boy ... this has gotten a lot longer than I thought ... lol

My original story is missing what was meant to be the end ...
but I thought about it and decided to leave it unfinished in order to get a few reactions before I finished it.

I will finish it ... if anyone wants to hear why I wrote this all in the first place.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#418261 - 12/05/12 11:19 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
panda Offline


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 16
Loc: Michigan
my ex (then-fiancee) was accused of being a pedophile just for being a transsexual woman. she is also a survivor. and her friend specifically asked her to watch his friend's children to make sure they didn't run into some street and some bigot across the street came over and harassed her.

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#433915 - 05/07/13 06:27 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:00 PM)

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#433955 - 05/07/13 10:26 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Shyshark]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
I feel compelled to share this rather humorous story after reading this thread because it touches on the same subject. Although it's sort of funny, it taught me a big lesson.

I was with family on a DisneyWorld visit, and we were at a character breakfast. For those not familiar, that is when characters like Goofy, Mickey, Pluto and others from the Disney cartoons mingle with the adults and kids for photos. I took wonderful pictures of my little nephew standing there with Donald Duck. Well after I took the pics, I started reviewing them on the LCD screen on the back of my camera. At that point a Jamaican waitress looked at me, laughing but shaking her head and waiving the "naughty finger" at me. Strange. What did I do?

Yikes! That's when it hit me that as I was reviewing the pics, I was completely unaware where my camera was pointed - straight at Donald Duck's Butt in close range. I looked at her and said, "Oh no! It's not like you think...", but she just walked away laughing and I gave up trying to convince her.

From then on, whenever I've reviewed images on a camera, I have been very conscious of where it is pointed.

I hope that did not hijack the thread, but DolphinBoy's situation really resonated with me. DolphinBoy, you definitively did not deserve that.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#434136 - 05/09/13 03:14 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Dolphinboy.

It's too bad your wonderful outing was ruined by this experience. I wish to reiterate that you did nothing wrong. I find it unbelievable (but not really) that adults treat others as poorly as this. The parents obviously are confrontational and belligerent. I'm going to agree with Geoff that the mom's fears were irrational. Not only was she irrational in her fears, but she was irrational in her aggressive approach toward a complete stranger (you), with her children in tow, thus putting them in possible immediate danger.

I am glad you asked for the apology. I'm not surprised you didn't get one, but glad you asked for one. You deserved it.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#434152 - 05/09/13 04:39 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Dolphin Boy, I can only agree with people here, you were doing nothing wrong, indeed the parents owed you a "sorry" at the very least.

One thing I have noticed recently is that "pedophiles" are turning into the modern witche hunt (I indeed saw a production of the Crucible which mentioned this in the program notes), and even the slightest shadow of an incling of a suspicion.

it's difficult, because the genuine thing as far too many people here have experienced is! indeed something evil, wrong and damaging, however I also find it worrying that men can't go anywhere near any children at all without some sort of suspicion, ---- often it's indeed an excuse for mistreatment of men and discrimination against males generally, especially since we all know how society sees male survivers of sa.

Think about it, if a woman had done exactly what you'd done, would there have been anything said at all? It wasn't after all as if the kids there were! undressed or anything.

I have a friend who worked as a teachers' assistant in a primary school. His then girlfriend, now wife is a teacher, so it was a natural way for him to earn some part time cash.

The problem however is he was given a stern to thee point of paranoid lecture about never touching kids, and rarely if ever coming near them.
One little girl of about four, apparently decided she adored my friend. I find this quite likely since he's generally a very gentle, playful and inciteful person, however he said he was petrified of losing his job because this girl would show her affection by throwing herself on him and hugging him at every opportunity.

he's now actually got a little girl of his own, and is someone I'd absolutely trust, heck he's one of the people who knows the full history of my own abuse, yet why should such a man as that fear being branded as a pedophile? It's like saying every man who goes into a bank with a large bag must be a bank robber.

This isn't of course to say the gneuine thing should be allowed or that the police shouldn't try to actually stop people, epseically those in authority from causing such amazing hurt, but there's no reason to suspect everyone! or particularly every man, that just creates an over all climate of fear and even makes the real pedophile's go under the radar since if you suspect everyone! you can't watch out for the one who is.

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#434169 - 05/09/13 08:10 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
They went way over the top, you had every right to be angry about it too.

Their reasoning is no justifaction to treat you as if you were guilty.

Don't take it personally, I'll be honest with you if I saw someone aiming a camera at my kid, I would carefuly watch and ensure it wasnt just a fluke of the moment. They hugely over reacted and it pisses me off. Well done for getting them to say sorry.

When my mother found me one evening wearing a diaper (I got drunk and careless, kinda just lay on my bed chilling) she asked if I was a fucking pedorast! Then if someone did something. I cried, I was heart broken but it was also a sort of panicked reaction from being found out. Felt like I did something terrible, which makes me think about the whole 'keeping things secret'. I think the tears were the learned reaction of 'oh shit I said too much, now my family are gonna die'.

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#434834 - 05/16/13 08:35 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
They went way over the top, you had every right to be angry about it too.

Their reasoning is no justifaction to treat you as if you were guilty.

Don't take it personally, I'll be honest with you if I saw someone aiming a camera at my kid, I would carefuly watch and ensure it wasnt just a fluke of the moment. They hugely over reacted and it pisses me off. Well done for getting them to say sorry.

When my mother found me one evening wearing a diaper (I got drunk and careless, kinda just lay on my bed chilling) she asked if I was a fucking pedorast! Then if someone did something. I cried, I was heart broken but it was also a sort of panicked reaction from being found out. Felt like I did something terrible, which makes me think about the whole 'keeping things secret'. I think the tears were the learned reaction of 'oh shit I said too much, now my family are gonna die'.


When my dad found my web history showing I'd been going to (I forget which site, so I'm gonna guess) Daily Diapers or something, and sat me down in his office to talk me out of my fetish (if only it were that easy) it took me a while to realize he thought I was turning into a pedophile. Once that sunk in, I was suddenly incredibly hurt and alarmed. BUT his wording was interesting. He said: "Don't go down this road... ". He said it in a way that implied "Cuz I've been down it" (meaning pedophilia). Infantilism fucking sucks for having to constantly battle that stigma. Anyway. I'm way off topic from the OP.

Screw those people for their over-reaction. I disagree with anyone calling them protective. First they carelessly let their son run around naked, in a place meant to attract photographers and floral enthusiasts, then act outraged that someone happened to inadvertantly snap a picture with their naked child in the background. Screw those idiots. They're BAD parents. They're not good parents at all. And you could have filed charges against them for the way they grabbed your camera from you. They can't legally do that. It is illegal to do what they did. Just want to make that clear. You're not a pedo. You know you're not. We all go through the unnecessary fear we'll turn out like the pricks who hurt us. Don't let those idiots exploit that fear. Real pedophiles don't fear becoming pedophiles- they only fear getting caught. Making male CSA survivors (and a surprising number of female ones too- really- I was shocked how many have admitted this to me) feel like pedophiles around children is like shooting fish in a barrel.

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#456893 - 12/16/13 05:28 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

Try to understand. What i mean is dolphinboy you were and i am still very emotional because i was abuse by men and also by my dad. Like you whit your brother, even me after 46 years i still am sensitive and still love my dad.

I also like photographing and it does apen i will wnat to take pictures of childrnes but i ask firts the mother or the father mutch time they ask me to send them the picture. If one parents dont wnat i do not take the pictures because in a way its a vilation of privacy, not because of the fear of pepples. Yes like the mother says " there are wirdows around us.

I also want to reasure you you are not a pedophile.

Take care

Jean-Pierre

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#456896 - 12/16/13 05:44 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
the same thing happened to me at the swimming pool many years ago. my wife and I were videotaping our kids taking swimming lessons, and I was rudely challenged and forced to hand over my camera, while some heavy went through the footage. all of it was my wife and kids.

I was horrified, hurt, and humiliated, and these people did not even acknowledge the abnormality of their behaviour.
I was videotaping right out in the open, not hiding, but sitting with a crowd at the side of the pool.
it was surreal.
I only complied because I did not want to arouse any more suspicion or attract any more attention or provoke any more confrontation than what was already present.

one man was already in my face accusing and demanding in a clearly audible voice and serious tone.
as soon as the guy was satisfied I hadn't been taping his kids, which he had publicly accused me of doing, he simply handed the camera back and walked away with not so much as a muttered apology.
the crowd I was sitting in avoided eye contact with me after the incident. I felt uncomfortable, and so did they, so I got up and moved to another location.


I feel your pain dolphinboy.
and I wonder, where were all these protectors when I was a child, being handled by perpetrators?

I wish they were there when I was in real danger.

I remember another time I was grabbed by the shirt, pushed against a wall, and threatened to have my glasses ground into my eyes by some thug in a muscle shirt at a crowded train station because he claims I was looking at his 12 year old daughter.
I refused to respond and called security after he let go.

there were several eyewitnesses who confirmed what had happened at the scene.
but they all refused to testify and the police would not process assault charges.

again, mixed feelings.
pissed off about being manhandled and falsely accused.
but secretly pleased that this guy, although he was wrong, had the balls to defend his daughter, and wishing I had had my own guardian devil as a vulnerable child.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456902 - 12/16/13 06:43 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
reading this thread has caused another memory to surface.

I was with some friends at an outdoor country music festival.
there were portapotties, but they were (as usual) disgusting so the guys were using the bushes to take a leak.
we were all drinking, and I had to go.
while I was out there, I heard some kids giggling and started chanting "I see your weenie, I see your weenie".
i could not see anyone, but i quickly zipped up and went back to our picnic blanket field.
about ten minutes later, one of my buddies approached and said there was a lynch mod looking for a pedophile who had exposed himself to some kids.
i immediately assumed it was me they were looking for and went into a anxiety attack. i could hardly breathe, thinking about being beaten to death by a merciless posse of drunken cowboys. i started to come up with excuses to leave, but everyone was having too much fun, and i didn't want to press the issue without causing questions. i was still sure that i was going to die in a hail of boot heels, so i decided to quickly and quietly slip away.
i remember saying something about getting some more booze, and i walked straight for the exit.
as i got neared the gate, i spotted a circle of shirtless men, surrounding a weeping cowering guy on his knees,
blood all over his face and hands as he dodged kicks from all angles.
someone in the crowd saw me looking in horror and curiousity, and explained that the guy was a pervert and was molesting little girls in the bushes.
thankfully, the police showed up to rescue the man from the frontier justice.

after they interviewed the little girl,
it was discovered that she had been with a group of boys and girls that had been running around teasing and bugging guys in the bushes.
this particular guy had responded by yelling at them, and chasing them away.
the little girl was scared and cried and ran to her parents.
in their drunken state of mind, the story had spun out of control, and when you add the macho vigilantes, you have the classic case of riot rules and mob mentality.

no charges were laid.
it didn't even make the local papers.

all i can say is, thank god it wasn't me at the other end of that reactionary hatred.
just thinking that i was going to be attacked was torture enough.
when i remember that guy on his knees crying and begging, while people in the crowd cheered every time he was kicked in the head... it makes me sick. my stomach still turns when i see that image in my mind.

in this case, i don't envy the child,
because i believe the hysterical adult reactions probably damaged her.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456905 - 12/16/13 09:38 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: victor-victim]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 269
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
wow! food for thought.

G

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#456926 - 12/17/13 01:08 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
V-V,

Powerful story. That is exactly why I shudder when people talk about hoping criminals get raped or murdered in prison. Even if that particular individual is guilty of awful deeds, the mindset that certain people deserve whatever they get leads to innocent people being harmed.

"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."
J.R.R. Tolkien
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#456927 - 12/17/13 01:32 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 929
Loc: southern California
That's pretty painful. I can relate. I had a similar situation, except it was my own mother accusing me. She often projected her emotional and psychological sickness on to us kids. It was an unkind, unfounded, un-called for, and sickly imaginative accusation, exactly like you were subjected to.

Try your best to separate yourself from that event those people initiated. I know it's hard, but try to dismiss it from your mind each time it comes up.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#456947 - 12/17/13 09:28 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
I first have to admit i've only read the first page, so if its double i apologize

Dolphin, first things first: you did nothing wrong!
I don't know if you have children but i guess not. So you werent focusing on the childre.

The parental outrage is understandable, but unacceptable. People dont seem to realize that the stigma of being a pedophile will leave you alone with all of society being against you.
So they shouldnt have freaked out like that.

But to me what this shows, is the sad story we hear all too often. Outside, in the parks, parents become overprotective and try to shield out any possible threat. Because of this hyperfocus, there's tension too.. and you got caught up in this game i'd say.

I'm not saying that nothing will happen in public places like parks and so on, but as a member here i've read too much stories where the problem was inside the house, not outside in the park/gardens.

I understand parents want to protect their children, but to me this starts with respecting that it is an unique child who deserves to be treated like that. It's not something you own..

It is a world with a lot of sickness in it.. but if we only search for the sickness (in this case pedophiles) we miss out the point that we should work on prevention and healing in the first place..

so a huge hug for you Dolphin! Take care and take it easy!

Peter
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#456962 - 12/17/13 07:34 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
So sorry you experienced that. You were not at fault. As parents they need to (1) put clothes on their children when being seen in public and (2) watch their children more closely.

I am sick and tired of watching other people's children because parents are either too lazy or burned out.

Perhaps the direction of your camera made you look suspicious to them. I don't know. There was a way to handle it. But the lesson is . . . They need to watch their children. They need to change their children in private. Lastly, they need to be responsible when interacting with other people in a public place.

Don't let their behavior make you feel less of a legitimate man than you are.



Edited by CafeMan (12/17/13 09:05 PM)

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#457000 - 12/18/13 10:30 AM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Dolphinboy and Victor,

I was never able to take pictures or even show a camera just for those reasons. I always wanted to take beautiful pictures like I see in people's albums of their vacation trips. I even bought an expensive camera and read photography books so I could create some of those memories. I took pictures of my kids along with their kids in my backyard but that was it. After a few times doing that I wanted to go up to the mountains and take some pictures of the trees turning color so I went to a popular mountain spot where there was a zoo and people walking or bike riding with their kids. I sat in the car and I couldn't pick up the camera, as a matter of fact I was scared shit to have the camera even in my car. After the thousands of pictures taken of me in my birthday suit I could not pick the camera up even to take a picture of the floor of my car. I started having a panic attack, I put the camera under a jacket on the floor of my car and went home and gave the camera to my son who lives in the upstairs apartment with his family in my house. I told him he could use it more than I could. The next thing I know he had taken some baby pictures of his daughter getting a bath in a bassinet and was showing them to my wife, he wanted to show me but I told him I would see them later. So far later didn't come yet.

After your two stories I probably won't ever get a chance to take any pictures let alone go near any children. It's crazy that we should be triggered by such shit. Because I was always scared of being a perv I never held any of my 6 kids, never kissed any of them, never did homework with any of them, never put any of them to bed, never carried a picture of any of them in my wallet and that cycle is now going on with my grandchildren. I would give a million dollars if I could be normal just long enough to give them each a hug and a kiss. My wife made albums of pictures as my kids growing up, I never saw any of them.

I really feel bad for you two and anyone else who has had to wade through similar shit and humiliation by some wacko parents. I would not have fared well at all in any of those situations.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff
_________________________
Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that what the past was could have been any different or better.
It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.

It will get better....

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#457016 - 12/18/13 01:40 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: CafeMan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
something you said really hit home with me.

Originally Posted By: CafeMan

I am sick and tired of watching other people's children because parents are either too lazy or burned out.


i would not doubt the same paranoid parents who freak out about at a photographer at a public park will trust a person they barely know for shopping convenience.

as i mentioned earlier, and in other posts,
i politely make it my policy never to watch other people's children, ever.
never have and never will.

you would not believe how many times people, whom i hardly know,
and hardly know me, have asked me to babysit.
just for an hour or so, while they run an errand,
and i happen to be visiting.

they don't know if i am a perpetrator,
just waiting to pounce.
then i feel bad just thinking that way,
but that is how i have protected my children.

situational awareness and risk assessment.
i never dropped them off or dumped them with anyone but their mother and her mother.

one can't be too casual with children's safety,
but one must be careful to control the efficiency of the effort and energy.

i have seen too many parents falsely focus their attention on punishing perpetrators and publicly condemning perverts, but overlook opportunities to take effective proactive and preventive measures to protect children.
such as preparing and educating them with knowledge.
teaching them to defend and guard their own soul.
always protect them and never neglect them.

it takes less than a minute,
under sixty seconds,
to sexually abuse a child.
to the child, this is eternity.

the sad part is, this happened to me as a child.
i was left unattended and unsupervised for hours,
that was risky enough, but there were times when we were left in the questionable care of some very questionable adults.
the sexual abuse was the worse, but there were all other kinds.
thankfully, only a few of the watchers were bad.
most people were decent, that is... not abusive.


_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#460403 - 02/09/14 05:01 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Mountainous Buck]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
You did nothing wrong. the fact is society is so overprotective now becuase of all the wierdo's out there. I wouldn't let it get you down to much. i think it was an unfortunate misunderstanding that should not have happened. As survivors we tend to assume a great deal of guilt that we were groomed to accept. It is a hard not to take this personal and i to would be sad and hurt. Moreso than some who has not been abused. To be made to feel like a pedophile must be a horrible feeling. You are not and as i said society has a long way to go in social evolution.

stay strong

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com


Edited by jas4159 (02/16/14 05:54 PM)
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#460447 - 02/10/14 01:44 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
PhoenixRising Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 33
Loc: Richmond, Indiana
Dolphinboy

I believe you. You did nothing wrong. You were taking pictures at a place, where people take pictures.

I can totally identify with your reaction. So many times when something has happened, when something has gone wrong and I am involved, I revert to that little kid, who felt so guilty and responsible..who perhaps by feeling he was responsible, he also felt some control of a world that felt overwhelming. I start to get anxious and all those feelings of guilt and shame emerge..and make it difficult for me to stand still and respond. I "catastrophize".

I wish in those moments, and in yours, we could stop the action, perhaps call a friend for a different perspective and then step back in and at least know we have support..we can't do much about that family but we also don't have to take on their anxiety.

Yes, there are sick people, but that does not give anyone the right to be mean or hurtful. Her sickness may be fear.

I am so glad you did something beyond isolating (which is often my reaction). By coming on here and telling people, you took a step in change, you trusted us with your feelings and fears, and in turn I hope you got not only affirmation for you on that day and in that moment, but for you as person.

Btw, I love your signature about how you got your name.

Thanks

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#460453 - 02/10/14 05:15 PM Re: I was seen as a pedophile [Re: Dolphinboy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Jas

There are many people like you describe but I can't talk for them. My daughter in law often baths my grand kids the oldest boy is now 8 and the 2nd boy is 6. They have no problem running around upstairs naked before or after they bathe. One time the oldest came out of the bath and surprised me by jumping on me. I didn't know what to do, I had this naked kid on me and I made a joke out of it by screaming to my wife that I'm being attacked by a wet naked kid. I tried my best to make a joke out of it but my wife knew what was happening. For reasons I don't want to say here in public I had a real panic attack but my grandson thought it was all a joke so I'm happy I didn't scare him.

I have this weird thinking that an adult should not be alone with a child or teen. You can tell me, as my T, EMDR T and shrink told me that it's alright I'm the grandfather. But I'm afraid of being thought of as a pedo. I really believe that if someone would accuse me of being a pedo I would.......

It's a stupid reason but one that I believe could kill me if you knew my past. It's a problem and I know I'm wrong but I can't change my feelings or thinking. In this particular case that went on for a year I wasn't groomed at all but forced and tortured into things I didn't want to do. Now I'm paying for those things that I did at the age of 14. Also to add to your opening statement I would agree with you can say all you want that it was not my fault but it is what it is. In short I'm a killer of souls.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff
_________________________
Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that what the past was could have been any different or better.
It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.

It will get better....

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