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#41793 - 02/09/03 01:22 AM how do we do it?
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Been away from this site for a while. So deep in my own shit. Life is hard enough without SA issues, and add those to the mix...

In many ways I'm improving (yes, this is a spew). But things aren't getting easier. In AA, doing well with that. Working more from home, near my wife and son - a first. That's great too. But the proximity creates other difficulties. My wife and I are forced to confront ugly realities that we've been hiding from for a decade. And she's falling apart. And I'm consumed with guilt. Debilitating guilt. She has her own problems, no doubt. But I'm aware how crazy-making living with me must be. The avoidance, cloistering and incapability to be easily intimate, if at all. It occured to me recently that my impotence and coldness is in itself a form of abuse, of retaliation. But it's associative. My issues have nothing to do with her. I think I'm literally destroying her. She doesn't want a divorce, and god knows I don't. But I do wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me. She's getting old before my eyes and it's breaking my heart. And we're broke, demoralized and becoming hopeless people.

How the hell do we do it? I don't know. One thing's for sure. If I was still drinking, I wouldn't be alive right now. No way. Now I'm fighting those thoughts with everything I have. I realize that beyond the loss to myself, it would be more abusive to my family than anything I've done so far.

The whole thing has made me more philosophical (bored I guess). But I really believe life is a purification process. we have to work with what we've got. Get through it. Learn from it. Bottom line is I just want a drink. Badly.

Sorry for the crap. Glad you guys are here.

Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#41794 - 02/09/03 02:05 AM Re: how do we do it?
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
"But I do wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me"

Give the woman some credit, she's stuck by you this long. Maybe she sees something in you? She could have left lon ago, but she didn't. Keep fighting for your life, keep working on getting through it, you owe it to her, you owe it to your family, you owe it to yourself.


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#41795 - 02/09/03 06:32 AM Re: how do we do it?
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Hey, Al,

Much of what you wrote seemed like my current home-life situation. I too feel guilty because I feel like my issues are causing my fiancee pain and suffering. By way of history, I was married to a woman for nearly 10 years. We have two children now 21 and 18. I believe our marriage was damaged and eventually it ended because of my unresolved issues stemming from childhood sexual abuse. I never told her about any of this. It was my big deep dark secret. No one knew about it because I was too ashamed and too scared to tell. I am now in a long-term (9 year )relationship with another woman who is both wise and loving, as well as beautiful. I don't want to think that I am continuing the abuse, which was perpetrated upon me, to another human being. Least of all to my significant other. But when I am being brutally honest about how I behaved in the last few years, I feel guilty because I know I cause her pain. For a long time now I have not been able to share intimacy with her. I have also been very depressed and unsociable. I have been isolated and at the same time so lonely. I am so sorry for being the cause of her pain. But things are changing. There is some brightness starting to appear. The brightness is that I recently started therapy for sa issues. I found this forum only three weeks ago and because of the safety and comfort I feel here, I have begun to tell my story and let out details of my abuse in a way that I have never before been able to do with anyone. Now, I have not told my fiancee that I was sexually abused by a neighborhood man when I was a child of 4-5. Not yet. I still don't have enough strength and courage to tell her. I know she is a wise, loving and supportive woman. She has asked me to seek counseling in the last few years because she sees me depressed and struggling with "secret" demons. I have found a therapist and have been seeing him now two weeks. She is very supportive of this. I think she knows about the male sexual abuse even though I have not yet told her. I know I will be sharing all the details concerning sa with her soon. Including how I acted out awful patterns of sexual addiction throughout the rest of my life, following the abuse, for which I feel such shame and guilt. But, even if she does not know, I feel better about our relationship because I am now in therapy. I am receiving healing from the sharing by the men and women who post here, and I will continue to seek and receive recovery. Hang in there, Al. You aren't alone, Brother. There is so much I can share that will prove to you how similar the experiences are that we all share in common brought about by the initial abuse. But I think you already know it. We are here for you, Brother. We will support you and in turn you can support us when we need it. Thanks for sharing your story here. It has given me encouragement, too. Sincerely, Jess.


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#41796 - 02/09/03 10:30 AM Re: how do we do it?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
She doesn't want a divorce, and god knows I don't. But I do wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me.
Oh Al, I've beem going thru that with my wife for the better part of 23 years now. As Brian said she has stuck with you becuz she surely sees something in you worth sticking with.

Thanks Brian I know the same is true of my wife.

Quote:
I realize that beyond the loss to myself, it would be more abusive to my family than anything I've done so far.
You're right, and that's just what my wife tells me.

Quote:
Sorry for the crap. Glad you guys are here.

Al
Al, I guess that's what we're here for, to vent our crap & support one another. Glad you're back, and thanks for sharing.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41797 - 02/09/03 11:22 AM Re: how do we do it?
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Thanks a lot. Yeah I know there must be a reason my wife's hanging around. Not sure what it is. ;\)

Boy this is tough. And I can't remember a lot of my SA. It's all a mess. So many of these books talk about healing through forgiveness. I can't even remember who or what to forgive. Anyway. Your support is really comforting. And strengthening. Glad I'm back.

-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#41798 - 02/09/03 03:16 PM Re: how do we do it?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Al,

Be sure to call your sponsor when you want a drink. I am an alcoholic too, we need to tell the honest truth to someone about the cravings.

Al, you wrote some beautiful things about how much you love your wife and how much she means to you. Have you told her those things?

Good to have you here Al.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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