Holidays + Family gatherings = Living Hell for men who were assaulted by relatives

Some of us were assaulted by family members, some of us are triggered by family members, and some of us are hiding our "secret" and symptoms from family members. But holidays traditionally include a family gathering.

The list of triggering events also includes relatives (and in-laws) who may be staying in our homes. They may be inviting themselves to extended stay in your living space, or they may be aggressive and triggering types of people.

Guys, what would ya say to putting together our own Quick Reference Thread to survive these things? Rather than a lengthy thread of complaints, let's see if we can make an "Emergency Kit" for those of us who will need it through January, a thread we can come to and read for some quick suggestions when Aunt Tilly or Uncle Fred are triggering our symptoms.

At the moment, I have no ideas, although I could use some. What has worked for you? Can you offer suggestions to others here?

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I agree with Gary:

1. Set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t slip back into child or victim mode. Set guidelines for yourself – and if necessary – speak them aloud or write them to hosts or family members. Practice in advance. Write it out if you need to.

2. Limit time and proximity. Stay in a danger zone as short a time as possible. Have your own space.

3. Have an exit plan for time out or an emergency departure. Go for a walk. Run to the store for that one item you forgot. Get out for a coffee or smoke or… Have your own transportation – don’t be dependent on someone else for a ride.

4. Buddy system – enlist an ally to be on-call. One year in college, I took an international student home with me to be a chaperone and body-guard. Everyone was on their best behavior because there was an outsider observing everything. Once I was married, there were two of us to have each other’s backs. If you are on your own, try to find a friend that you can call for support.

5. Don’t be surprised. Most perps and insensitive enablers are quite predictable. You can foresee what they are likely to say and do. Think through the possible scenarios and plan tactics you can use to avoid or escape if you need to.

6. Stay sober. Don’t rely on substance use to anesthetize or give false courage to get you through – that is likely to make things worse.

7. Just say no – if worse comes to worst – don’t put yourself in a vulnerable spot. Make excuses and don’t go.

I know that all of this may be overwhelming. But the trauma of being re-victimized – even if “only” verbally or emotionally is worse than trying to keep “peace” in the family. don't give in to emotional manipulation. stay out of reach if you have to - #7!!!

(For the record - amd for those who don't know my story - the first and longest duration perp in my life was a step-father - my ages 6-18. once i was married and had kids, we visited the parental home very seldom. he died when our kids were pre-school - huge relief!)

Lee

These are all excellent tools to keep in mind. I'll find these helpful and I certainly hope they will be available here for any others who may need to log on during a holiday family trigger crisis.

Smalltown80sBoy & traveler, covered things pretty well.
I'd add...

If u have a Therapist, discuss this with them.

If you are on medication, bring them & perhaps see the psychriatrist b4 u go also.

Practice a "grounding excercize" b4 u go. So u can calm yourself b4 entering stressfull encounters.

Don't bring weapons with you. Not even a pocket knife. If u need that to feel safe, you shouldn't be going in the first place.

Bring something with you that is comforting. It could be a picture, or a small item that reminds u of a happy experience, or even a piece of clothing. When u are stressed, concentrating on the item will help reduce that stress, especilly when used with the other methods offered in this thread.

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Blacken, great advice.
For me, the last one is useful for other stressful situations too. Thanks!

Gary, in my circle of relatives, it's food-pushers: which closely resemble alcohol-pushers. Can you suggest some lines to try on the ones who are persistent and relentless?

Nothing annoys me more than having to answer "No, thank you," 8, 9, 10 times in a row to a relentless food-pusher.

THE CARS

Hi Keith,

Regarding the "food pushers" tell them you are watching what you eat. If they insist a second time that you "have more," "try this," etc., tell them to quit sabotaging your efforts.

Said loudly enough, this will also get the attention of others and perhaps silently shame the food pusher to cease their efforts.

Or, just flat out tell the person "I told you no once, I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself. Stop pushing food on me."

It may be difficult to be direct, but people like that do not respond to subtlety or politeness.

It's about setting limits, for yourself and others.




Anomalous

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