Great responses and sharing, men!

"Trying to bury feelings" as a background for all these effects- that's pretty profound, grant.

So what would you recommend to other survivors as solutions to all of these effects?

Great question because many similar feelings but some different effects

1. Guilt and shame
2. Self loathing
3. Distrust
4. Fear of self and others becoming too close
5. Fear of how others will see me as "damaged goods"
6. Dissociation and fugue--my unfortunate coping mechanisms
7. Disjointed parts of me, not being whole. Repulsed by perp and his actions while another part still seeks his love and to feel special. Confusion as to who I am
8. Buried memories and emotions, difficult to accept and not to allow them and him, the perp, to control me and my emotions.
9 All not allowing me to be me, he robbed my wholeness

I've had various problems and show some symptoms / behaviors that match "typical" CSA, but that also hypothetically could just be "me." I choose not to rewrite my life backwards around this - so here is the one thing that I KNOW was caused by it:

Standard position of keeping a secret, from everybody, forever, has made me a less honest person. I am completely comfortable, thoughtless even, about routinely lying to people. Not even about anything important, not even a lie that makes a difference. Sometimes just giving the wrong answer on something that doesn't matter, to know that I could. I keep all kinds of things secret and until therapy had never told anyone or even written them down. Sometimes I even make up little lies that I know will be found out and make me look bad - so people will think I am not a good liar - and then I can get away with the big ones, beyond suspicion.

Well buck, that's not an easy question.

I think for me, a lot of coming to terms with the affects of recovery involved simply recognizing that I cannot change these affects, but I can change how I react to them and what significance the have to me. I cannot change my own feelings of worthlessness, too many attempts have failed for me to believe that is possible, but in understanding that this belief is an incorrect one, i can stop paying attention to such opinions.

I can't change my genophobia, again, attempts to cope with it just cause intense pain. So, I'll have to live with it and this means living without intimate relationships and accepting that my first, ---- and probably only s/xual experience was that of abuse.

I do not always manage this acceptance, but it's something I'm learning to live with more each day

Above all the main thing I've learnt is persistance, which I'd still regard as the single most important part of recovery at least for me.