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#417812 - 12/01/12 01:06 AM Great T session - and a decision
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Today's session was the best yet and I actually left with a sense of.... direction, I suppose.

We talked about finding my perp, the days-later lingering emotional effects of hearing his voice again (SPOILER ALERT: it was bad! Don't do it without proper prepping, or better yet, just don't!). She strongly recommended that the only follow-up I do, if any, is write a segmented letter (similar to what Mr. Singer described) but then *not* send it. He would never answer at his age, we don't know his family dynamics, it's too dangerous to include any contact info whatsoever.

More importantly I firmly reached a conclusion and she is ready to help me:

I have to tell my parents. I have to and I will. Very soon, because 2012 was my personal extinction year and I want to get all the bad shit over with and start fresh in 2013. It isn't like it used to be. It isn't just a disassociated visual memory that happened to someone else who was also me - it turned into real sensations and feelings, nightmarish, poured into me that I could not escape. It was real.

And I have to tell my mom and dad. I just have to.

Both my T and my wife have - independently - said that my voice changes when I discuss the abuse. It gets higher and I stutter. I am not aware of this to the degree that they claim it to be noticeable. T says the newfound urgency to tell is the 8-year-old finally allowed to do what he was trained to do - now that the abuse has become "real" and really happened to him instead of just looking like it did. This was the first time that she'd mentioned any of this "inner child" stuff that lots of other guys here go on about. It made me feel..... something. I don't know what it was. Some very powerful something.

I have to tell. Now that it's real. That's what you're supposed to do.

Our entire next session will be all about disclosure prep. Voice control for starters, I don't wanna totally squick them. What to say and what not - how to make sure it doesn't hurt them, without me going way overboard about acting like their pain is more important than mine. When I started talking about what I wanted to say I found myself interjecting the practice narrative with "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" like 40 times - sorry for hurting them, for making them sad, for making them feel like failed parents, for not telling like you're supposed to until it was much too late. She said again that's definitely the 8-year-old, who feels like a bad boy.... but really isn't.

Mind was rocked, ended up dizzy and weak, and now positively looking forward to telling. It will really drop a bomb on them but I just have to do it. I've been totally uncomfortable and closemouthed around my parents for the last month - because I don't know how to talk to them anymore, it's always right on the tip of my tongue and I'm afraid to even talk to them because it might just spill out. Can't go on like that - need to do a controlled release. Lastly, someday when the time is right I'll tell my own kids, in an age appropriate and non-terrifying way, and when I do that I can't very well say "but never ever tell Grandma and Grandpa I said this because it's still a secret!" - would kinda undercut the message!


Edited by SoccerStar (12/01/12 01:13 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417855 - 12/01/12 09:46 AM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
That's great to hear SoccerStar! Make whatever preparations you think are necessary for your comfort and when you are ready I wish you all the luck telling your parents and kids. I know it isn't easy and I know it is scary but you are doing what you feel is right for you now and that is a good thing : )
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#417900 - 12/01/12 10:44 PM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 697
Loc: Southeast USA
Wishing you the best with this. I keep feeling like I am on a collision course with disclosure to my parents. It's not if, but when.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417901 - 12/01/12 10:50 PM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
Good Luck!!!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#417909 - 12/02/12 07:27 AM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 62
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Remember that telling anyone else is not for their benefit, it is for you. It probably won't play out the way you want( getting the reactions you expect/ hope for), but please remember that it is 100% about you. Airing out the secret and saying the truth out loud to others you share your life with.

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#418145 - 12/04/12 09:25 AM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Soccer,

This is great news. You're really coming along. You have told your inner 8-year-old that you can protect him, and he believes you and is now coming out of his shell to start the integration process with you, his adult self.

Disclosing to your parents is the big next step, and you're ready for it.

You're doing great. PM me if you want talk more.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#418188 - 12/04/12 06:22 PM * [Re: SoccerStar]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:13 PM)

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#418189 - 12/04/12 06:35 PM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I"m about to start EMDR with a DID specialist. Might not actually start it until the new year, but I'm with you guys about getting work done now now now.

Have a T appointment at 10 am tomorrow with the guy I've been seeing since September who referred me to the DID specialist, will work out the logistics of the first EMDR session then.

With my brothers, I am stronger.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#418207 - 12/04/12 11:39 PM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Thanks for the encouragement, guys. Every time I think of how bad mom's gonna cry, I just know I have to keep moving forward. She'll be much more upset in the long run if our relationship stays in the weird awful rut it is now - ever since I decided I had to tell them I've been so freaked out around them that I'm not really myself and it strains what had always been a close and kind relationship. They came over again tonight and I don't think I said 4 words to them, pretended I was tired.

Today was practice with the T. It went okay I guess. I spoke very slowly and articulate - maybe TOO slowly - but am really hypersensitive to the idea that my voice changes without me knowing it and can't deal with them hearing me like that.

T gently but persistently told me to cut out the many, many apologies, and also to de-drama the story. Don't give a preamble, don't try to warn them, don't say how okay I am. Instead say there was something that happened that never used to bother me but that bothers me now and as part of dealing with it I have to talk about it with them.

Then, basically, give a Cliffnotes overview, give them the chance to ask questions, and head into "why I never told" and "why I'm telling now." With regular and repeated assurances that I always knew I could trust them and when something was actually bothering me in my childhood I always went to them with it (with examples).

I had very specifically envisioned pulling my dad aside in private and demanding he acknowledge that he does not see me and would never see me as a "polluted victimized cocksucker". That was the exact phrase, I had to have him deny it. T very respectfully but strongly recommended against that - instead, again, going Cliffnotes: "I've had the idea that you might see me differently as your son and as a man - I'm sure you don't, but I need to hear you say it and mean it." Gets the same point across but better and without a verbal gunshot wound. See, that's why I pay her the big bucks.

Trying to schedule the Big Talk for the weekend after this one, and need to find some bullshit excuse to get my wife and I to my parents house on a weekend without the kids coming along. Just have to keep bolstering one lie against another until the exact second the truth comes out.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#418209 - 12/04/12 11:46 PM Re: Great T session - and a decision [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3323
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sounds like excellent advice and good solid prep.
you got my moral support - i'll be with you in spirit - and all that.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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