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#407975 - 08/26/12 09:18 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Jude]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Garydosh
Lets be clear that addiction to porn means spending hours on it. Normal guys can view for 10-15 minutes, relieve themselves and go to sleep. NOT US! It becomes a compulsion. We can all agree that addiction to porn is a negative in our lives. (If hugs work for you, GREAT). But lets not beat ourselves up over it. We are too hard on ourselves. I think that as we focus on healing,this will fall into line.
Healing ourselves is about changing our focus Gary yes, that is the logical process. The issue of emotional healing stems from the perversion of trust, loyalty, safety, boundaries and love as it has been presented in our lives. We need new thoughts to create new feelings to complete the new behavior to heal, to move away from the hurt and pain caused by perpetration. By understanding the end result of this process, the support and comfort of a hug, of reception of such intimacy, knowing that we DESERVE this, that the "offerer" of the hug respects and admires our determination to understand in a healthy way, to feel better about ourselves and to the RECEIVE the Hug, we can work our way towards this Grail. this is not the end of a process, but a continuing, a reinforcing, and it has much value.

Truly, we cannot "beat ourselves" over this control, we ARE too hard on ourselves, yes, thank you. The ability to hug, to feel intimacy and connection in this, that is what we seek. (((Gary))) thank you for this affirmation.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#407976 - 08/26/12 09:29 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: peroperic2009]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
ha ha Garydosh, you made me smile with your comments about porn and hugs smile
We are trying to be honest and supportive in all this, I'll be rather hugged than challenged (and later fallen) to some personal demons smile
I think that we are not talking about porn in some puritan way, off course that it doesn't have to be so wrong to watch it.
But when I'm talking about myself and porn I'm talking about spending hours in browsing trough different pages with just one goal: to find some raw and fragile feelings of people involved into some sex act. There is no need for some specific scenario but rather to see completely lost people to pleasures, it has to be as real as possible.I remember this Igor, when my urge to gratify turned from the painted divas and impossible dimensions to the more realistic. Then I started to search for healthy interactions, dad playing with sons in the park, woman cooking with children and finally, the overwhelming, "impossible to resist" urge for porn was not there. That was a very good day. I can now reason with the urge, and be successful.
It is not healthy and it reminds me of my abuse - it is quick escape from reality into fantasy world. And to add even I consider myself as hetero when I'm down I'll easily switch to male movies and it is shameful how I'm able to navigate trough tons of it in my search...[Keep seeking the relief recovery brings, dear Pero! It is approaching, and there is a hurrying of it! smile
So here is my hug to all of you courageous brothers survivors who are battling everyday with challenges and some personal demons smile :
(((Sam))))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Paul)))
(((Gmone)))
(((Letourski)))
and I'll give one to myself too
(((Igor-aka Pero))) smile(((Igor))) Well done, that is the next level, isn't it, being able to hug ourselves. I celebrate this with you fellow survivor!
Who is next smile?
((( ...... )))
We welcome new ones AND those from our growing group to reach out, to ask and keep asking for hugs over porn.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#407978 - 08/26/12 09:41 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: theIrregular]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
"theIrregular" Hey Sam,
'Go get a hug' is a great idea. Thank you, it has been warmly received and greatly supported!

Originally Posted By: sasuva
someone who is kind to me, overlooks my faults and genuinely wants me to feel accepted.

I constantly seek out acceptance. But since I my addiction to porn is secretive, most of the judgement comes from within. So, in truth, what I struggle with is self-acceptance. I'm going to start giving myself hugs every time I feel the urge.I celebrate this victory, this breakthrough with you, tI! You are reaching out for the true relationship within, accepting yourself, holding fast to a commitment to respect and honor you. That journey needs to be done inside and out, and you are doing it! Remember to reach out, to accept hugs from those who admire the work you are doing. RESPECT tI, peace and comfort to you, and thank you for joining us in this global hug over porn!!

"Relying on will power is similar to trying to dodge bullets all day long. Eventually one will hit you and derail your plans. It is only a matter of time. However, once you change your focus and find a new path to put all of your energy into, impressive change is possible." --- Mike Mahler in his book Live Life Aggressively.Wise words. I see this in MaleSurvivor, this "impressive change". Thank you for bringing this to aggrandize the bits in this process.

I've tried to quit many times before. But I guess what I need to do is replace one compulsion with another.
Plan of action for the next time I have an urge:
1. Distance myself -> Leave the computer desk and/or room (as you suggest)
2. Give myself a hug.
3. Explore the lines on my palms. (I know it's not as productive as running or exercise, but I find it keeps me occupied until until the urge returns at a future time)A plan of action, YES! Distance, hug, distraction, a trifecta! May I add, look at yourself in the mirror when you are hugging you. Smile. It may be something you need to work up to, but it is so affirming to see us.., accept us! Let me know how it goes, ok?

I think I will need a more complex ritual than this. But, it's a start.

Hugs all around Likewise (((theIrregular))) a strong, accepting hug for you fellow survivor. It is time to reach out for healthy affirming joyful contact in brotherhood, and within ourselves.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#407980 - 08/26/12 09:45 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
I love how you put that Sam this quest is alway grail like LOL. I guess it is just a matter of faith/courage to keep trying knowing/hoping that someday we will all be porn free ((Sam))
Mike

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#407982 - 08/26/12 10:02 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: mike13]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I love how you put that Sam this quest is alway grail like LOL. I guess it is just a matter of faith/courage to keep trying knowing/hoping that someday we will all be porn free ((Sam))
Mike Thanks Mike, I gladly accept a ((Mike)), warmly appreciated with you fellow survivor. Our faith, assured expectation of the hope we have for ourselves. We WILL replace porn with hugs, we WILL remove ourselves from that depravity, we WILL accept ourselves in loving embrace, we WILL recover victory! Our demonstration of this replacement serves as an announcement that we will no longer be controlled, but that we now reach out for support to carry on this healthy search... we WILL find this Grail! Many already have.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#408002 - 08/26/12 02:30 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Keep it going gents. Uncover what you really need, what you are really after. Reach out and extend yourself, so that you too can feel loved in all of the ways we should have been as children. Porn can never satisfy that feeling. Heal well brothers. ((hugs to everyone))
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I am the warrior.

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#408521 - 08/31/12 05:19 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
I've just bump to thread from 2005 where brothers shared hugs to each other and I'm somehow mowed by such positive emotions:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=38424#Post38424

Brothers survivors let's wrap us all in one HUGE HEALING HUG stretched trough space and time to every one of us in the most needed moment smile

Pero
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#408629 - 09/01/12 08:53 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I love the enthusiasm here, thanks Letorski, Igor, you guys are contagious!

You know, as I focus on hugs, supporting myself, stopping my thought and feeling process to encourage comfortable actions, I find I am positively talking to myself more. I like myself now, but there is a difference in liking oneself and being oneself in a positive, affirming way.

In recovery we are taught to become self aware, this is the effort to allow the hurt, frozen self to express himself. We feel him in our lives, usually in the extremes of heart ache or destruction, but now it is different. He has, past tense, expressed himself. He has matured, he has trusted the consolation and he is healed, like a physical trauma survivor, his bandages come off. He begins physical therapy, walking, moving and seeing his progress.

I too am seeing this progress, beyond the emotional surgery, the obstacles, the moments of self doubt. Beyond these. The "inner self" is communicating with me as I live, play, work and interact with others, and myself.

Hugs, such a simple word, but so important, as it tells us it is time to AFFIRM INSIDE of US! The feelings will lessen in intensity, the thoughts will turn and become less negative, the actions will slow in their impulsivity. The wonder that comes next, that wonder is HUGS. Healthy Understanding Gains Support inside of us, the healing completes and nestles in ourselves. We are victorious!

Let those who are able come and get HUGS, and equally those who can offer HUGS, please do so.

Thank you fellow survivors, I could not do this without you. None of this would have been possible. I know now, it is possible and more.., it is probable and more.., it is.

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#408633 - 09/01/12 09:28 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Sam,

This is a great and affirming thread for all survivors to see, because so many (including myself) struggle with the false intimacy of porn. I know the triggers that send me there - self doubt, stress, rejection, etc. Thanks for posting this, and many, MANY hugs to all of (((YOU)))!
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Eddie

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#408718 - 09/02/12 06:52 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
This is a great and affirming thread for all survivors to see, because so many (including myself) struggle with the false intimacy of porn. I know the triggers that send me there - self doubt, stress, rejection, etc. Thanks for posting this, and many, MANY hugs to all of (((YOU)))!Eddie, thank you for joining us! You ARE already more than the struggle and the triggers, but it is difficult to bElIeVE. My hope here, and the courage of you and the men here who have joined in is to love and compassion our way from this coping mechanism into the real genuine article of living. Heal from the doubt gentle survivor, Understand the joy of true intimacy, Gain the stability of affirming memories of your success, Support garnered from your fellow survivors here, and internally, each time you HUGS instead of view. I am confident you will succeed, MOST of the battle has been won Eddie, claim your prize! Freedom of porn is YOURS!
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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