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#417760 - 11/30/12 11:51 AM Disconected
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 191
Loc: USA
Hello all,

I live in a disconnected state most of the time. I have developed an emotional delay mechanism that alowes me the time to appear in control and togeather. Yet I rarely feel togeather. I find an almost constant unsettled state when I look inward. It is as if I want to come out of my self and live. Problem is the real me must be controlled and managed. I think I learned this very early on. I play a part in a life that is good and needs to be protected from the harm the iner me could inflict. Self centered, Greedy, Lustfull, Self sabotaging and the like. There are of corse good aspects of the iner me that I attempt to let out, but the high levels of control stifle much of who I am and what I feel.

This is most difiacult on my close relationships. It is very difiacult to become present and be seen as intrested and in gaged for any length of time. Some times I get a flash of anger, controlled of corse, when my wife try's to share her experance or process about something trivial. It's like a mass of un trivial emotion inside of me is insenced or something.

I do want more freedom to just be and trust myself and others, but I don't know how to move away from all of the control and not fall apart. Or worse hurt the people I love.

Keep on keeping on, Mike


Edited by SmartShadow (12/01/12 11:10 AM)

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#417769 - 11/30/12 03:10 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
tulula Offline


Registered: 11/30/12
Posts: 3
Loc: midwest
Mike,

today is my first day in this forum and I am not a male survivor. I am a partner to one. I opened your post because the words you used to describe yourself sound much like my J's. He is just beginning to reach out for help.

I think that for me the most important part of being there for him to see that he's going through his process. I don't push him to talk about it but it affects him everyday. He gets night terrors almost every night and upon waking he is almost too happy to talk about anything else other than his CSA. I want so badly to tell him that it's alright to talk but if I am not the person to fill that need for him I can only watch him and be supportive to him when he is willing to talk or to express emotion. He is so even steven it's scary sometimes. When I get stressed out and consequently freak out over something that is minuscule in comparison to what he dealt with on a daily basis throughout his childhood and he becomes a statue I fear he is doing it as a kind of defense mechanism so that he doesn't escalate any further emotion. It feels like he sometimes isn't present. An I fear that he does this so he doesn't just lash out and say "well you think THATS a tough break...?!"

I guess the point is that I would rather hear that than nothing at all. To know that he is angry means that he is willing to fight (my opinion, not everyone's). I am ready and willing to be there with him if he falls apart, blows up or needs to take a hike for a bit and figure it out. Because I think it would be better to go through the motions knowing there are here than wondering if every time he internalizes it he takes a step in the opposite direction of recovery. This isn't to say I want him to be a ticking time bomb but I want him to know that if he does explode that I'm not going to go anywhere because I am here to stay and part of being human is to be imperfect and sometimes that includes transgressing emotions towards people who are in proximity. But it's my choice to be in proximity to him and by being himself he is (in a way) paying respect to the fact that I love him.

Thanks for sharing. I hope this helps. Reading your post has certainly helped me feel like J's behavior isn't uncommon for someone who has survived.
_________________________
Tulula

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#417776 - 11/30/12 03:27 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 397
He Tulula, I would prefer if you would post in the friends and family section. I don't feel comfortable having non-survivors posting here. Please observe the rules of the forums. I don't mean to be brusque, but thanks for listening.
Bob

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#417777 - 11/30/12 03:34 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
tulula Offline


Registered: 11/30/12
Posts: 3
Loc: midwest
sorry. new here
_________________________
Tulula

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#417780 - 11/30/12 03:44 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 397
Hey T, I just reread my post, and that was WAY too harsh. I've gotten a lot of great emotional support and learned a ton from families and friends of CSA survivors, and you'll have plenty to add to this site. And I should add that I welcome you to the forum. When I saw your post, I had just finished writing a very sensitive post in response to somebody, and I was taken by surprise, so please pardon me for being too sharp. Thanks for being here. And thanks for understanding. Bob

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#417783 - 11/30/12 04:03 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
jaa Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Mike and Tulula,

I had and still do have many of the disconnections that you describe. It is a very painful way to exist and it not only impacts we survivors but those who love and cherish us. I know that my disconnections led to me not being the greatest father and husband but through some hard work I am getting better every day. I missed what could have been many good years when my two kids when they were young. I probably would have had more than two kids had I been more present in today rather than being disconnected from my past.

To Mike I say welcome and with hard work you can come to find that you can abandon those things about you that you are finding to be disconnectors from letting your true self out. I had most of those same "attributes" you list, but once I took my recovery seriously and saw the good in me and those that love me they began to fade.

To tulula I also say welcome and bless you for being their for your J. I hope he is seeking assistance in his journey. As you say it is your choice to be with him, it has to be his choice to face himself and begin the hard work.

John
_________________________
John

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#417784 - 11/30/12 04:09 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 191
Loc: USA
Tulula, thanks for your reply.

I am glad J has some one who wants to be there for him wile he walks this out.
We do get better. And you will have a friend for life. I have to get back to work but wanted to let you know I read your reply and it was helpful for me.

I think I check out to keep others at a distance. it is a defense mechanism to keep it togeather. Takes to much energy sometimes to be present and real. There is a lot walled off and must be delt with as time, energy, support alowes.

I will think on this and post more later, mike

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#417858 - 12/01/12 10:40 AM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 191
Loc: USA
John
Thanks for the encouragement and in sight. I have thought through the Idea of taking recovery seriously and this got me thinking about the recovery I have done. I have done a lot of recovery work but have mostly focused on mitigation of the effects of CSA - PTSD - BPD. I have not worked through the abuse enught. Mabe that's why I finly became a member of MS. When I think about posting my abuse story I .... Well it's the next step for me. That's going to be all about timing. It will take a tole and I will need time to process it all again. I do want people who can truly relate to know what happened to me. I am thankful that I am now with other survivors. Mike

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#417929 - 12/02/12 12:48 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Smart/Mike,

Welcome again to MS: I see that you have an awareness about yourself, you have a desire to seek answers and to share about yourself here.

All those things will serve you on this journey. And you will gain more strength and freedom as you continue.

The control is an old defense mechanism, methinks. (I have had many ways to "cope" with the pain, fear, and multitude of bad feelings in my life myself.)

Read as much as you can here, journal, find men to reach out to, and remember you have influence on the pace and direction of your recovery and healing.

Be Well,

Jamie
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#417987 - 12/02/12 11:42 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 300
Loc: MO
Hello Smart or Mike,

Being disconnected for me has been the source of life for me. I am certain without the diconnect (in part fueled by alcohol) I would have committed suicide.

But that is long ago and far away. I haven't had a drink in 20 years, I can smile and play with my grand children. I can listen to my adult children critcize my parenting without defensiveness or tears. It is 53 years since I was first molested and 47 since my last experience.

I spent 25 years believing that being diconnected was the only way. That if I behaved the way I believed I should, it didn't matter how I felt. It didn't matter what happened to me.

Since then I have learned my daughter was molested by my father, that my little brother (who my older brother ejaculated on when he was 8 years old), thought it was me.

But I could be there for my kids, I wasn't always the best, but I cooked for them, nurturesd them, read to them, even changed their diapers (not as often as my wife). I scared them, but I never hit them. I thought I could protect them but it turns out I couldn't.

Today I am divorced for 15 years, living alone in my room. I visit my kids once or twice a year. My grand kids see me enough to remember me.

But the truth is disconnection is a defense. It is a way to not feel the pain that overwhelms me. It is a way to pretend that it wasn't so bad to be 13 and fucked up the ass, or a penis crammed down your throat while your mother is just up the stairs and the door is open, but she hears and sees nothing.

Therapy, is enabling me to begin to go through the pain and stop the discounting of the experience and own that I was violated and betray when my mother asked if I enjoyed being penetrated and I said no it hurt and she said then you are O K
I know that sense of abandonment is terrifying. But you will survive it and begin to get your life back. It is not an easy journey, and I have been on it for two decades and am, not done yet. But improvement occurs and I hope you are willing to take the risks.

Whatever is best for you

Best wishes, may God be with you.

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