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#417630 - 11/29/12 11:10 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: CdnDW]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: CdnDW

In the meantime, your life choices and happiness need not be dictated by whether he learns to return your love or not. Love your life, live the life you love and be happy. He will learn from your example.


Yes, you are right. He said he wanted to be alone for good yet wanted peace, amends and my friendship and nothing more even though he knows where I stand on this matter. I want all or nothing and so we have not been apart of each others life. I carry on with my own life, my own dreams. Yet, he is still there in my heart.

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#417637 - 11/29/12 12:40 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
One of the reasons (I think it is number 17) that I don't get involved with anyone is that I fear the pain.

But that's a new thread.

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#417701 - 11/30/12 12:09 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Candu, does the need for love ever outweigh your fear of possible pain?

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#417720 - 11/30/12 04:36 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Love.
I fear we are talking at cross purposes here.

We all want to be loved, and we all want to love. Question is how much and how badly. Everyone has the potential.
We can talk about this until cows fly, but if HE is not working on his recovery, then it is all for naught. I would do anything to avoid emotional intimacy, and once I begn healing I started with the confusion.
All these hopes and dreams will come to nothing if he is not healing. If he is then the confusion is a part of the process. I went through the confusion, I wanted to be alone, then not, and so it went for months.
I don't know the situation, but I do know that if the man wants to heal from his CSA, anything is possible.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#417751 - 11/30/12 10:43 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
.


Edited by love (01/07/13 09:13 PM)

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#417781 - 11/30/12 03:54 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: love
Candu, does the need for love ever outweigh your fear of possible pain?


Yes, but not for long. I can't remember the last time it happened.

I have been able to suppress the need for love for so long that it is rarely a concern. I have totally isolated myself. At first my plan was to cut off all old ties and then to transform myself into a better me. I did the first half but not the second.

I don't think that I'm a good candidate for comparisons though. You would need to know a lot more about me.

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#417800 - 11/30/12 07:51 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
While I could relate at times, it makes me sad to hear you men isolate and suppress the desire for love due to something awful that happened that was never your fault.

Changing life conditioned qualitis takes time Candu. You are here, you are sharing, being open as you much as you can and that in itself is bettering yourself.

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#417817 - 12/01/12 01:51 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Love,

I don't know the man in your life, and I can only speak for myself. There was no way for me to know love without any healing. I thought I knew it, and thought I felt it but I was simply trying to fill a hole I refused to see for myself. Only when I decided to embrace recovery was love even remotely visible, and like you I realized it was in me all along, I just turned my back on it.

Am I read to love "that way"? Hardly. But when I see a tender kiss, an intimate moment (non-sexual), people happy together, I feel an inescapable emptiness. That feeling reminds that one day I will want to love "that way". But before I can, I need to distance myself from the past. Did the abuse impair my ability to love? No. It pushed me so far in the other direction that I must journey back towards it. In essence, I am returning to love. But like all things, that takes time.

I hope you find the peace you so rightfully deserve. As another has said so eloquently, love yourself and love your life. Heal well.

Sincerely,

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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