I know that beginning to open up is the hardest thing it seems, and feeling like my stuff was not that bad makes it even worse. the fact is abuse it terrible and not matter what happens in our lives it costs us sometimes very dearly. it sounds as though whatever you are struggling with has cost you enough and I'm so glad you are finding courage to share it. I hope that you find peace and safety here to share as you need. our stories are all very different, but you will find that we share so much as survivors. the craziness you spoke of will get less man I hope it happens soon.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"