Can we discuss running and why survivors feel the need to run? Maybe survivors can chime in...

What is it that causes survivors to run away from loving, healthy relationships and love, and turn to self destructive behavior (ie: drinking, drugs, promiscuity, unhealthy relationships). Is it because they truly feel that they do not deserve love? Is it that they are trying to punish themselves? Why do they fool themselves into thinking that the things they run to will help ease their pain? Is dealing with and facing their issues so much worse than self destructing?

Can any survivors tell me what finally made them stop running and face their fears/demons?

I am just so lost and alone - When you see someone you love so much throw everything away in an instant - without much thought.

Is the need to run so strong that it blinds reality.

Any thoughts?

Vulnerability, the unknown, and feeling not in control are all "scary". When they were vulnerable (childhood) serious pain occurred (CSA). Survival response kicks in- and that could be fight or flight. My H doesn't run- he pushes.

I'm glad you asked this. I have been wondering about this since I have been exposed to it here. (I didn't know much about CSA issues, other than a few of my own) I would have thought that if I had a loving relationship I would be home free. I could guess at reasons but I don't really understand.

I wonder if I had been lucky enough to get someone attached to me would she be here eventually trying to deal with the same issues?

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i'll try - male survivor here.

first - i'm sorry for your pain. i am very wary of coming to this F&F forum because i often feel personally guilty for the suffering that all of you wives and partners are experiencing - i know i have inflicted a large dose of that on my wife.

i was afraid to face what had beenb done to me. i could see only the tip of the iceberg and feared that there was much more and much worse still buried and out of sight. (i was right!) the little that i was aware of was so devastating that there was no way i was gong to voluntarily dig it up and expose it. so i found ways of hiding, denying, distracting, displacing and running to cope with the unknown monster in the closet.

intimacy was threatening to me because in order to truly be close to my wife i would have to be open, honest and vulnerable - and that meant i would have to bare my heart, soul, memories and the hidden past and all of that was too much to even consider. there had been too much shame, rejection and condemnation already in the past - both from other people and self-imposed. i couldn't take more of that and i didn't trust her enough to hope that this time would be different - due to my fault, not hers.

what made me finally stop running and face the truth was that i had no choice. i was backed into a corner. my wife knew somnething was wrong and had reached her limit. she said that unless i got help she would leave me. i was desperate for that not to happen. though i kept her at an emotional and physical distance, i knew i needed her and would be lost without her. faced with the loss of everything i valued, i went to counseling and both i and we have been making progress ever since (with a number of rocky ups and downs along the way.) And she has amazingly stuck by me all the way! don't know where i'd be without her ultimatum - or consistent, faithful perseverance!!!

just my story - but maybe something in it will help a little.
Lee

What do you mean by pushes? I feel like my spouse pushed me...tested me and is still testing me constantly. He has tried, without success, to make me call it quits. When he did everything he could possibly do to hurt me and realized that I wasn't leaving...he left. I don't get it though. I know it isn't about me - but it's still very hard to understand why someone would reject unconditional love, support and understanding.


You truly never know, but I think the fact that you are here and you are dealing with your past speaks volumes about the type of spouse you would be. You want to be healthy and you are working hard at it - that's very brave.

Do you have a lot of regrets about the running you did? Do you wish you had started confronting your demons much earlier? Sorry if too personal.


Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Much like your wife, I have been that one consistent, faithful, loving person in my spouses life. I have been his rock - no matter what. Unlike your wife, however, I never gave him an ultimatum or told him to "straighten up - or else". Was that where I went wrong? Is that what my he needed from me - for me to have a backbone?

I am just trying to understand him leaving - when he says he still loves me. When I see the pain in his eyes. When he tells me that he is evil and I deserve better.

All I want is for him to realize that he IS worth it, in my eyes. I wish he would stop running and believe that there is hope and things can get better.

This is just so hard.

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In my case, I have been with my survivor for many years. There was always a barrier (something there) but he was always able to pretend like everything was okay. When real memories started surfacing and he could no longer suppress them - everything hit the fan. Our lives completely changed. Then the running started. I watched this happen before my eyes. Completely textbook.

I think every survivor comes to this point eventually. The mind can only take so much --sooner or later, it breaks. Everything starts rushing back. I am the only one who knows of the abuse. He can't escape the fact that I know or pretend with me. The fact that he isn't able to face his abuse yet is probably what is making him run. He can pretend with everyone else, but not with me. With me he is himself and, unfortunately, he cannot bear to face himself yet. How do I know? He has told me. He hates himself. Cannot look himself in the mirror. Says he is sick and evil.

I guess, for now, it is just easier to run.

Darn it. I composed "the greatest reply ever" and it disappeared into cyberspace.
Don't you hate when that happens?