Oohh God, It's 7:00, I am sitting here waiting for VA to open. Going to talk to a counselor today. Man am I scared. I've never talked to anyone officially about my two gang rapes... If this counselor feels the need to call Military Investigators, he's going to. I don't like that at all. I'm so afraid that those fu*&rs who raped me with a broomstick from back then will make good on their threats and harm my family. But at the same time I've got to heal. That's why my screenname is WayTooConfused. I've always felt this way, that's why I've kept my mouth shut for 22+ years and allowed my family to believe in the Military's lies against me. No one understands that. Keeping my mouth shut to protect my family from harm or speaking out for my mental health. I as a loving father and husband...The choice for me was way too obvious...Choosing to accept my fate and loosing my family just to make damn sure that my family remains safe and for them to get as far away as possible for those assh(*^s. --- What man wouldn't do that for their family????!!!!!! --- You'd have to be one sorry son-of-a-bitch to choose otherwise. God damn, I'm so stressed right now sitting here in the hospital waiting for this counselor to show up, wandering if I'm doing the right thing.

I would have made the same decision you did.

Take it easy. Good luck.

Hey WayTooConfused,
I also wish you all the best at your therapy. I guess yo won't need to talk in details about the most problematic issues, it should be slow process, this is just start.
When I went for the first time to therapy I was also scared like hell and as I didn't know what to expect at the end I talked about many things that bothered me for long time. It was too early for me to talk, I and my T needed some time to adjust on each other and after couple of months I'm comfortable to talk about the most scariest things from my life. So take it easy,
You are doing right thing.
Let us now how was it!

Hey WTC:

How did it go? Keep sharing, and let us know how you are doing.

I spent a hour talking "About It" to the Intake Social Worker for the VA. I was nervous as hell (shaking my leg a lot) and crying my eyes out. He wanted to put me on meds but I declined, I have a reluctance towards medications to begin with, I don't like taking aspirin unless I am really really in physical pain. Then I spent a 1/2 an hour filling out my paperwork. It's going to take about a week for my paperwork to get processed and then they will schedule me to see a physician for my physical and then to see a psych doctor. Then I took a two hour (five miles) walk home, at least the VA isn't too far from home.

sounds rough - but you DID it, man.
that is a major triumph!
good for you.

hoping for good follow-up...
Lee

I tried to get into a program (still waiting) and in the interview I had said I had been a victim of CSA. It didn't go much farther than that. I just couldn't answer.

You did fantastic.

You are on a great journey,
This is a major accomplishment for correcting a wrong that was done to you. Please take some pride in knowing that you just did something today for yourself and it must feel good. You set up the appointment and even better went. So very proud of you. Walking the distance to get there and also the walk back is bonus points for you my friend. Many would have used that alone as a way to not go. I know that this is scary but getting help from professionals can save our life and it has helped me in so many ways. I like you was extremely scared of medicine and did not want to take it. I have been very fortunate to have a psychiatrist that listens to my input and together we have came across the right med combination.
Awesome stuff today brother, keep up the good work and let us know what happens. We are with you 300%!
Stay strong,
Randy

Wow, well done!

It sounds like a tough day, but you got through it. That took some courage!

Keep us updated - we're with you every step of the way.

After yesterdays event at the VA, I feel so numb this morning. I went to bed at 10 o'clock last night, but every hour I kept waking up. All these thoughts going through my mind. Having to wait for my paperwork to be approved and simply waiting for an appointment is tough. I know I can wait, it's just that I'm tired of feeling such high anxiety all the time and not letting on to my family, and work collegues that I'm really stressed. I know I hide it pretty good, especially when collegues ask me why I'm so calm all the time. I'm going to go for another long walk (5-Miles) on the beach today to try and clear my mind. I know the walk will do me some good, anything to not stay cooped up in the house all day.