we are doing better now. really on the same team again. i'm so grateful for the sympathetic kick in the butt, guys! it is truly NOT all about me.

lee

YEEEEAAAAHH it is not always all about you; that is so victorious acknowledgment


((((Lee))))

I'm sorry to say my wife and I had our own re-hash of this just last night. I told her about contacting my perp and she responded very badly - more of the notion that I should have told her instantly instead of one day later, or better yet told her first, and why the introduction of secrets into our marriage all of a sudden?

I know she is dealing with aftereffects in her own way and when she said as much in a borderline one-uppy fashion I stayed very quiet for a sec to stay calm. "And I'm dealing with the first recovered physical sensations of when a guy raped me in the mouth!!!" would have been impolitic. I don't ACTUALLY want to one-up her on the sorrow scale so I just said that we are each trying to fit this problem into our lives in our own way and it can hurt. But I did re-emphasize that she ought to see our trust as stronger than ever because I'd kept the secret for 26 years, never told my parents, never told 3 prior therapists, that I hadn't been emotionally ready to tell her when I did (when she found my pills), but that if I hadn't trusted her, if there was not real trust in our marriage, then I wouldn't have told her then either and would have made up some bullshit about stress at work, bills, new house, etc etc. And compared to 26 years, disclosing the next big step just 1 day after it happened is pretty good. I did hold firm on the "being mad at me for keeping secrets" angle - that really did hurt me and I said so as calmly as I could, but explained there is already so much sense of dirtiness and self-blame around this that being actually blamed regarding it is counterproductive.

Nobody "wins" an argument with their spouse - somebody loses - so we have to try to see eye-to-eye and move forward.

But when I asked her to hold me after, she wouldn't; I held her but she did not reciprocate.

Our house is still badly damaged by Sandy - our new heater broke last night after one week so it again was graveyard cold - baby up all night crying - and more and more repair payouts required with no sign of insurance checks yet. Which is exactly why I wasn't going to tell her now and frankly why it's so clear to me that I'd been right in thinking that way.

But life goes on. I hope.

Lee I am sorry to hear what you had heard. Clearly, no deserves what happened--especially the child who was innocent and robbed of that innocence. It seems people can relate to a physical illness and the pain and loss it causes. People cannot relate to CSA--they cannot understand what the child lived and lost and the lifetime of pain the victim has lived.

Yes you did not deserve it but in life we all carry baggage--no one has a perfect life. When people commit the commit for the good and bad--be in a degenerative disease, mental illness, effects of CSA--all has consequences to their lives. However, people seem to fear the CSA and its effects--I believe fear or refuse to learn to understand what CSA has done to the child's mind, body and soul. I believe as an adult when a support lives with the effects--they have greater ability to learn,understand and if they truly want to accept the CSA. Sadly, I believe a super majority refuse to learn or understand and dismiss CSA as a sham on how it impacted the victims life.

Stay strong my friend. You have support here and we understand. We can only change ourselves and not those around us.

SoccerStar -

obviously - i empathize. and as you can see from the additions to this thread - so do many others. remember there are lots of guys who understand and are supportive - even when life doesn't work out like we hope. recovery is difficult at the "best" of times. you have added stresses of natural catatrophies and all of that mess to contend with as well. i think you did well in your response - clear, firm and not too defensive or offensive. that shows maturity and - i am speculating here based on my own experience - growth from the beginning of your journey.

thanks for sharing. keep healing,
Lee

Hey SoccerStar


Glad you managed to keep this voice on the inside.

Like you said it isn't about 'winning'. I think you handled it well - it would have been so easy to bite back to 'put her in her place' so to speak. Like Traveler said - you showed maturity and growth by your response/attitude towards your wife.

Thanks for sharing

I did eventually have to say it out-loud to my then wife and then a judge and a court appointed psych...people sometimes forget that we never asked for this.

Sometimes, I can get outright nasty about the assumptions, myths and dumb remarks. I've gone on some blue-benders with folks.

Oh yeah!!! I was intentionally LOOKING FOR IT in my sexy snow-suit at 7.5!!!

idiots.