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#417455 - 11/27/12 08:46 PM Help with limit setting
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
.


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:45 PM)

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#417473 - 11/27/12 11:23 PM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
You are just being unreasonable. Don't you know housework is really hard work. We are SURVIVORS damn it!


Sorry I just couldn't help myself.

Has he ever ever helped before? Did he ever have to do housework before you got involved with him? Maybe the concept is foreign to him.

I'm not great with housework but since I live alone there is only one person to do it. Usually I put it off if I can. No one but me to complain though. But I do have a full time job. In the winter I do an hour on the treadmill after work. From spring until fall I bike to work (10 km) then spend 9.5 hours at work thn bike home again. Chronic back pain and poor sleep (5.5 hrs/ night on average) leaves me fatigued. So I don't really feel like doing it. But I still cook my own meals and clean up after myself. And that just reminded me that I forgot to bake muffins. I freeze them and have one at work for my first break.

I know this won't go over well but I'll say it anyway. You and H should fill out time sheets. Record what you do all day. Then have a review at the end of the week.

Maybe you have to get rid of the TV.

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#417480 - 11/27/12 11:53 PM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
.


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:46 PM)

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#417481 - 11/28/12 12:56 AM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: RunningOnEmpty
Thanks for making me smile Candu!
I try.

Quote:
He says he is working on himself- but I think he is fooling himself.

I bet you are right. Not knowing anything about your H (and being the Xpurt that I am) I think that H will not improve unless he discovers (or rediscovers) a purpose to his life. Supporting his family (in anyway) would be desirable. If you don't feel you have a purpose then you likely will not feel good about yourself. A purpose or goals.

How is his physical health? Does he exercise? I do and I think it helps. At least I'm told that it helps (mentally). And it does provide some structure in your day. Tell him to take the remote out for a walk.

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#417482 - 11/28/12 01:42 AM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI ROE

My Consequence were.....do it or get the hell out of the house. In the last 2 years I have been out of the house twice, the first for a month and the second for about 4 months.This might sound harsh, but it is what got me to reassess my life and my relationships.

Your man sounds like he has given up, do nothing expect nothing. this is no way to live and he needs a bit of a kick in the proverbial if you know what I mean. I have been at the point that he is at and felt like the world was full of it. I had no purpose and no future, everything was just to much for me. A bit of tough love was just what the doctor ordered.

Unfortunately, because of your love for him, you are enabling him to continue this behavior, and that is no help, because that is eventually going to build up into resentment, and your love will turn to hate. Preferable to avoid that eventuality, so a bit of tough love now is going to make the world of difference down the line.

This was my own experience, hope it helps.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#417500 - 11/28/12 08:40 AM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
That's my line of thinking as well but as I have not had the same experience I moderate my my replies. Life is just too comfortable for H and he has no reason to change.

But I'm sure you know all this and that you just don't look forward to what you need to do.

The only reason I started dealing with my issues is because things got so bad that I had to. And now that I'm a bit better I would like to not bother going further. But after what I have been through it would sad if I didn't see it through.

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#417506 - 11/28/12 09:08 AM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
It is obvious he is experiencing depression, but being compassionate to this does not necessarily mean accepting that he can't do anything about it. I have an ex husband (not a survivor but other mental health issues) and he didn't work or do anything to help around the house etc. I was constantly afraid that if I pushed him or left he would just end up taking his own life (and he threatened this a lot). Yes, I do have a history of co-dependance! Anyway, I eventually ran out of steam and completely fell out of love for him. When I did finally leave after 7 years of this he got into his doc, got meds, went back to school and has had the same, stable, good paying job for the last 14 years!! Point is, if your H didn't have you, do you think he is so sick that he would have allowed himself to be homeless or institutionalized for depression? Likely not. He doesn't take care of his own living needs because he doesn't have to. If he can't work a job that provides income for the household, then set the boundary that he must still work - work on running the household and on himself so that he can one day be an income provider again, but the option to not work is off the table. You are not controlling him and ignore these protests. You are simply relinquishing your role as his caretaker and mother. He has to put in the time or the money. Period. Set the boundary with time limits and know that as much as he tries to manipulate your emotions to stay stuck in his safety zone, put on your steel jacket and just keep saying to him "this is your choice... you can choose to work on yourself and on your family, work for money for your family or provide for yourself on your own". But those are the only options. You are actually doing him no good taking care of him and allowing him to stay in this place of depression and non-living.

Good luck. I know it is hard, but remember you are doing this for you, for him and for your kids. Everyone wins, he just doesn't know it yet.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#417509 - 11/28/12 09:48 AM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Good post CdnDW!
Man, there's some smart cookies around here!

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#417510 - 11/28/12 10:02 AM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
CD Great post put it better than I the lazy useless husband of past could.
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#417559 - 11/28/12 05:09 PM Re: Help with limit setting [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Ah shucks guys, you're making me blush!! Lol, I wish my advice did come from being a smart cookie and not from harsh experience shocked
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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