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#417140 - 11/25/12 01:38 AM Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hello my friends,

I'm terrified. I want to address this issue in my recovery within the last year and a half of my realisation that I was raped multiple times and I was a victim of online predators and child pornography.

I think I might have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My feelings of triggers and flashbacks are interwined with confused and terrified sexual arousal. Often, I will get an urge to masturbate or it will happen during masturbation, where I will inflect my current stress, depression, and guilt and take on a form of self-harming through exposing myself to triggering materials.

My body reacts to the abuse still as it did then as a teen... with arousal. When the triggers are activated, I spend hours at a time masturbating, seeking to relive "enjoyable" abuse where I have no control over my body. Because one becomes so entrenched, and as a kid it is the only form of sexual interactment one has, the brain interprets the cyber abuse as REAL. And when I was raped in person, my body reacted how it thought it "should".

These masturbation sessions take two forms: Sometimes it is reading erotic literature with themes of the abuse I went through as a teen, or other times it plays out in chat rooms where I engage in the same role play scenarios as the victim being abused by some man. It frightens me, and I feel light-headed, nauseous, angry, and aimless.... sometimes, I suddenly tell the man on the otherside to fuck off or call him a pervert and leave.

When I am masturbating, I fall into a dreamlike state, loose track of time, burst into cold sweats, forgetting my normal thought processes. I become the victim all over again. My soul numbs. I violently masturbate without lubrication and against hard fabrics, leaving my genitals in such pain, sometimes tearing tissue or irritating my urethra for days. After several hours, my aching frenulum is stimulated to organism, however this is just a painful ejaculation. It hurts so much physically, mirroring the emotional hurt. But my emotions are so deep and compacted in each other that I cannot cry, gasp, or make a sound. There are just overwhemling feelings of panic, emptiness, guilt, and disgust.

I become the victim again, and allow myself to be a boy whose worth is only as someone else's sexual object. I am not in control of my body: my hand is their hand, and they manipulate my genitals again, deciding when I orgasm... I sweat, shudder, and only type "yes sir".

It hate it. I hate how these materials are still up there, still so easily available. I do not like it. When it is done, I either have flashbacks of my abuse or what I was exposed to, or sometimes I blank out, and cannot remember what just happened. Only that it did. I am re-victimising myself.... even though I am not a minor, by abuse still carries on.

The men who raped me, I see every week on campus. But the hundreds of men who had cam-chat sessions with me, and role played with me, and coerced me to pose in photos and videos as a teen, are all anonymous and lost in cyberspace. Who do I direct my arger to? I feel just as guilty as them, and reflect all my feelings inwards....

Under periods of high stress and feelings of abandonment, which I am currently going through upon my transition to Canada from Germany these feelings or sessions have been happening almost daily. It is scary. I am scared of myself- I am my own abuser. (I cry every day, because I am so far from Germany, and I was happier there then I had ever been in my life... in addition, my best male friend there isn't putting in the effort in our long distance friendship as I am.)

Do I expose myself to it to try and make "sense" of this "senselessness"? Do I expose myself to numb my mind and heart? Do I expose myself to somehow save that boy and change the outcome? Do I expose myself to telling those men where to go?

I cannot talk about this too openly at my group therapy sessions and I have never dealt with a CSA Specialist. I need to tell somebody about this....I need coaches to increase my positive masturabtion sessions where I am in control and thinking of healthy fantasies (which do happen).... I need hope... I need a hug....
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417165 - 11/25/12 09:59 AM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
JayBro,

This sounds like more than the single-quandary of sexual identity. What you describe is not at all unusual for any abuse survivor. Images, flashbacks, everything you describe are common, and are rarely the elements of orientation.

Do you have a good resource to read...to self educate (besides this website)?

If not, I urge you to get something from our bookstore right away.

Mic Hunter's book and Mike Lew's book are both great resources to give you answers now, and help you structure jumbled thoughts and emotions into an understandable format of your choice.

These books are said to have saved lives.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#417173 - 11/25/12 10:38 AM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
JayBro

If you continue to practice and trigger and re-live the same sexuality that was your abuse, you will continue to live in that trauma and pain.

I acted out in ways that direct stemmed from the abuse- and it undermined any chance I had of joy and happiness and real love or intimacy. I finally had to disengage and get help because I was so addicted to seeking out this kind of sex.

Acting out in these ways was really an escape my pain and an attempt to rewrite the story or have control over situations that happened years before in the abuse.

It never worked. It never really resolved the problems underneath.

A big part of my recovery has been to distance myself from these behaviors and learn to engage my whole self and walk thru the pain. I have discovered a more real and affirming and loving sexuality that was undeveloped because the abuse and my family hijacked my true sense of self and my male sexuality.

There Are a lot of false solutions out there- time to embrace a truer path that heals.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#417186 - 11/25/12 12:43 PM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Thank you, both of you, for your kind words of advice. Mountains, how did you disengage? What did you do when you felt yourself about to relapse into these behaviours? I live alone and wish I always had a sidekick with me to stop it and remind me to do something else. Your description of it as an escapee, an an attempt to rewrite the past are identical to my internal process behind it. And you're right... it makes things worse, and it does not do anything constructive- only destructive.

Still, what are the names of these books? I could really use some literature or words of advice on exactly HOW to stop, and HOW to sort out my thoughts. There is so much traffic going on, and I cannot direct it.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417190 - 11/25/12 01:14 PM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
I just want to cry, but I can't
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417195 - 11/25/12 01:32 PM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Bookstore LINK

There is no book that's going to make you or even help you to stop any behavior. You need insight into what abuse has done to you and how we all typically react and grow. That said:

TOP recommendation is Mike Lew's book: "Victims No Longer."
Its a fantastic book that has provided thousands of survivors with the fundamentals of understanding what happened and how it effected us. Start there IMO.

Ken Singer here is also an author and a specialist in this area. He's here at MS and likely has some great recommendations for you. I'm sure you can PM him.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#417196 - 11/25/12 01:37 PM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Thank you *HUGS*
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417476 - 11/27/12 11:25 PM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
My book has come in the mail =)
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417550 - 11/28/12 03:31 PM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
JayBro

On this point, I read about a dozen different books to help me with my compulsive, destructive sexual behavior. I now identify myself as an addict and got a lot of support thru SAA, a twelve step program for sex addicts.

One great idea that has worked for hundreds of years is to lay it all out there- I journaled extensively about MY entire sexual history and conduct over the years (I don't regard my abuse as necessarily my conduct).

The act of admittingn all this stuff that had been stuck Inside my head helped free me - I saw patterns, hopelessness, costs, consequence, promises to change, attempts to do things differently, etc. And there were some pretty common elements ( a solid pattern really) as well that hinted at my abuse and early ideas/ teachings about sex I got as a kid.

I had guys I could share this with and who shared their stories with me- and that was powerful as well. It was like emptying out the basement, the attic, and the garage of my soul.

And in doing so (journaling, reading, sharing) plus getting rid of the ways I acted out, I practiced sitting meditation and changes my eating and exercise habits for the better.

This opened up space and safety for me to develop/nurture/awaken an authentic sexuality that grew from someplace deep inside. I felt like a teenage boy just learning about my body and sexuality for the first time. It was innocent, affirming, wondrous and healing.

This is nothing new- different spiritual traditions and religions have practiced this kind of reflection, withdrawal, confession for centuries.

And it worked for me.

There is healing from the abusive and destructive sexuality we were forced into.
It takes work, but really try it for the next week or ten days and report back.

Try.


Edited by Mountainous Buck (11/28/12 03:32 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#464112 - 04/15/14 10:38 AM Re: Masturbation Flashbacks and Sexual Self-Abuse [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey Mountainous Buck, I am reading your response again now, and I know exactly what you mean. I am experiencing that now and feel so much better! I tried and I did!! (((Mountainous Buck)))
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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