Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63803 Topics
445534 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#417424 - 11/27/12 06:27 PM What causes the confusion?
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
What has always baffled me and left me in turn confused is how deeply a survivor can be confused about their feelings towards you. To make a huge complex story short, we were together, commited, in love. Then the insanity, especially attached to him pulled us away from each other. And since then, his feelings for me have been a flip of a coin, yet he says he'll always love me. Flip flopping coin always resulting in he's confused.

How can you be so confused and for so long about the way you feel towards someone? He had said he was a confused man due to the sexual abuse (he's not gay by the way so it's not about sexuality). How can childhood sexual abuse make you feel confused about how you feel towards someone as an adult?

Top
#417452 - 11/27/12 08:26 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Ambivilance....alot is written about survivors having this trait. I believe mike Lew dedicated quite a bit of his book to the topic.

Top
#417511 - 11/28/12 10:09 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Love

Well start with the basics, As abused children love is a weapon, a tool if you will to get us to do their bidding. How often have we heard " we are doing this because we love you" or " I'm only doing this because I love you" (I'm hurting you because I love you is what they are doing) So how on Gods beautiful green earth are we supposed to know what love is? We dont until we begin to heal and work it all out.

For a short while there in my 20's I could play at being in love, I could make believe. But as I got older it got harder and harder and it got to a point where I could no longer face myself let alone the woman I thought i loved. I thank God that this has all changed for me now, but it was touch and go for a while.

So can you se how your H does not know what he wants or is?
I hope this helps a little.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#417515 - 11/28/12 10:29 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37




Top
#417519 - 11/28/12 10:48 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Hello Martin!

Thank you for your thoughts. I understand what you mean in many ways. I also agree to an extent, yet feel the capability to love is within all of us no matter how what we've been through or how we feel about ourselves. I believe this feeling goes way beyond our life conditioning, yet at the same time our life conditioning will have an empact on how we show or give love. I was severly abused as a child. It killed my spirit and I've been working on resurrecting it... In the midst of truly loving, my baggage came to the surface years ago and I didn't show acts of love at times. Fear, pain and anger took over as well as confusion within myself - of who I was, of disliking many parts of myself. Yet I still truly loved, never doubted that love. Was out of control and was hurting the one I loved, but couldn't stop until I healed.

As far as the survivor, I did not doubt his love for me... Ever, until his confusion kicked in. Until the past few years. I felt his love for me. I saw his love for me in his eyes. Everyone noticed it. But life took over and we seperated and he's been in and out of my life with deeply confusing behaviour and most recently stating he'll always love me but does not have feelings for me. Then states he's a confused man due to being abused.

Top
#417548 - 11/28/12 03:21 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
To love is to have faith, to have hope, trust....all these things are taken from us as children. We know bad things happen, everything is not going to be alright, its hard for us not to be pessimists, to live life unburdened...we carry a trauma that taints everything...love ( for some of us) is what destroyed our psyches, love hurt us, love used us, love didn't really care about us, love ostracized us from society, love took away our manhood, love made us "untouchables"... and if not love, an act that is somehow connected to love, even if done in anger and rage, shaped our outlook on love.

That he loved you at all at any point in time should bring you some comfort, some joy...as hard as relationships are for those not dealing with CSA his feelings for you must have been so amazingly intense to overcome the weight of his past...that you felt truly loved is a gift....I hope it comes back to you.

Top
#417560 - 11/28/12 05:28 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
I think to love another one has to know love first... Love for themselves. They won't feel loved by another unless the feel worthy of this love and they won't understand the true nature of deep, unconditional love until they fell this way towards themselves. Many of us don't. Even non-survivors. I didn't begin to truly understand the deepest love there is until I had children, but not because I loved my kids first this way, but because I loved myself. The two were intrinsically connected For me. To love them meant to love myself because they came from me... because my body created them. I think maybe that is also what is meant by the Trinity. Sorry, of topic - but I just now made that connection!

Point is, if we focus on loving ourselves unconditionally, forgiving our faults and embracing our humanity, I think we find ourselves feeling this way towards others in turn.

Maybe this is where the confusion lies, because he has glimpses of what this kind of love looks like and would feel it toward you if he were well, but he has not yet found a way to love himself yet. Free yourself with the comfort of this and love without expecting anything in return. One day he may heal enough to make this revelation and find his way back to you.

In the meantime, your life choices and happiness need not be dictated by whether he learns to return your love or not. Love your life, live the life you love and be happy. He will learn from your example.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

Top
#417587 - 11/28/12 10:13 PM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
outoflove Offline


Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
.



Edited by outoflove (11/28/12 10:13 PM)

Top
#417602 - 11/29/12 02:25 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Love

Yep, you are right and I did say that we can Love. Once I dealt with my childhood issues, I could begin to love. Now I know that I am deeply in love with my wife, a love that is bigger than anything I have experienced.

I hope that he finds this in his life.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#417629 - 11/29/12 10:53 AM Re: What causes the confusion? [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Hi everyone, thank you all for your posts.

I feel there may be a misunderstanding. We were in a very commited serious relationship at one point. We were both madly in love with each other. There is no question about that. I believe you can still have the capasity to be in love while still wounded, but treating that love in a fully healthy way is a different story and is left up to healing yourself first. I've been on both ends with the same person and love him just as equally and consistently when I was wounded and now. The only difference is I can now be healthy with that love.

Along with both our pasts coming to the surface and a host of other major issues outside of our relationship that would shake up any normal relationship, fear was triggered and we turned against each other yet had an understanding at the same time of where it was coming from. We both wanted to leave the relationship at different times to heal ourselves then return. We tried our best given the circumstances. We trusted each other more than anyone we had in our lives. But we ended up breaking that trust. I can learn to trust again if the pattern changes which I've changed and proven for ages. He has a really hard time trusting and his behaviour on many levels has gotten worse.

He ended up leaving due to other major personal reasons. I had no choice but the accept it, except he comes in and out of my life with deeply confusing behaviour. This last time it was about pulling me close emotionally, then telling me he doesn't have feelings for me and wants to be completely alone for good. He then said he was a confused man from being abused. I asked him which part of him I should take seriously - the part that wants me or the part that has no feelings for me and wants to be alone for good. He stayed silent.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.