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#417353 - 11/27/12 07:03 AM I have no photos of myself age 4-16
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
How sad is that? I have no photos of myself taken during the years I was abused. I have asked my brother and my foster-parents' biological daughter (who I still have contact with). I even sent an e-mail to my bitch-aunt who still believes my father was innocent. She seemed to be offended that I'd even ask her...

I believe it is very likely that no photos of me taken in that period exists anywhere.

It is as if that abused boy never even existed... frown
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417362 - 11/27/12 08:23 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm sorry for such outcome Gecko.
it seems like that boy really forgotten by everyone and that really hurts.
But it is great that you tried to reach him, don't give up.
My teacher of philosophy asked me if I've never seen some tree was it existed at all?
I would always say that such tree has exited by itself no matter on me or someone else (world is not centric oriented so everything depends on some small human being who is watching on everything).
My answer was nothing philosophical or something that my teacher was asking for; I just explained how I see the world.
Every one of us counts (including the trees wink ), abuse has happened and that boy was not forgotten, even such cruel fact that there are no pics of him from past is direct bridge to him and not some dead end.
Keep searching further for your answers....

Pero
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#417375 - 11/27/12 09:36 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3511
Loc: somewhere in Africa
so ironic - i could get as many as i wanted - if i wanted them - but i don't want anything to do with old photos.

and you are wishing for something that probly doesn't exist.

any chance there are photos in records at schools or the social agencies - even legal files? might be more difficult to track down - but may be an angle to explore.

just a thought,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#417384 - 11/27/12 11:23 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
I also have no photos of myself from the abuse period of my childhood. I locked myself in my room for several years and rarely came out. No wonder.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#417404 - 11/27/12 03:16 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1485
I wonder if the photos would help you. I look at the ones of me - I'm just a goofy kid smiling back - either because I'm clueless or hiding, or probably both.

It's particularly tough when I realize what probably happened the night before or the night after any of those images. I just want to reach back and shake some sense into him - tell him to wake up, run, get help. But he still just smiles.

Be careful what you wish for.
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Eirik




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#417405 - 11/27/12 03:44 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 624
Loc: VA
I have school photos from The Age At Which, and they don't reveal much except that I used to be a cute kid. My avatar photo was probably taken at age 7 or 8, within a year after The Bad Stuff happened at summer camp.

I agree that it's frustrating not to find the most commonplace documentation from one's CSA era. I have tons of leftover, unused school pics (which is sad in its own way) but can't find any indication (newspapers, old ads, local history stories, old maps) that the Little Summer Camp of Horrors ever existed. All I have is a story, and my sister's story about the same place.

But despite your lack of photos, gecko, you know YOU existed, and you SURVIVED some of the worst that life can hand a kid. Some photos would be nice, but a life is better! Peace.

John

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#417491 - 11/28/12 07:15 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I never wanted to se photos if me from that period before, but now I believe that I have to make peace with the boy that I was in order to heal. I thought photos would help.

When I was a teenager and even into my early twenties, I often felt as if I didn't really exist... Like I wasn't a real person. It was hard not to remember that feeling when I couldn't find any photos... But!

Lee, you're a genius. I was in "the system" for several years. Social services must have had photos. It's just a mater of how long they keep their records. It's so long ago... And I also recall being photographed for school year-books. Perhaps I should try to get my hands on one of those first, before I contact social services...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#417497 - 11/28/12 08:28 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3511
Loc: somewhere in Africa
smile

elementary, my dear...
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#417522 - 11/28/12 11:03 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 425
Loc: OH
I am sorry to hear that gecko, maybe some pictures will turn up in the near future? Good on you for the progress you have made in reclaiming your childhood. While I have access to photos of me as a kid I have a hard time looking at them without anger/grief. I think the fact that you are trying to reconnect with that little boy is awesome!
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#417547 - 11/28/12 03:14 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I never wanted to se photos if me from that period before, but now I believe that I have to make peace with the boy that I was in order to heal. I thought photos would help.

Photos really helped me to come up with an idea of who I was and what happened to me. Photos brought verification of who and where I was. Sometimes I wondered if they ran to get a camera whenever I got abused.
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko

When I was a teenager and even into my early twenties, I often felt as if I didn't really exist... Like I wasn't a real person. It was hard not to remember that feeling when I couldn't find any photos... But!

I think that sounds like Depersonalization Disorder, which I've had in abundance. I would try to find myself in other people.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder



Puffer

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