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#417353 - 11/27/12 07:03 AM I have no photos of myself age 4-16
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
How sad is that? I have no photos of myself taken during the years I was abused. I have asked my brother and my foster-parents' biological daughter (who I still have contact with). I even sent an e-mail to my bitch-aunt who still believes my father was innocent. She seemed to be offended that I'd even ask her...

I believe it is very likely that no photos of me taken in that period exists anywhere.

It is as if that abused boy never even existed... frown
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417362 - 11/27/12 08:23 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm sorry for such outcome Gecko.
it seems like that boy really forgotten by everyone and that really hurts.
But it is great that you tried to reach him, don't give up.
My teacher of philosophy asked me if I've never seen some tree was it existed at all?
I would always say that such tree has exited by itself no matter on me or someone else (world is not centric oriented so everything depends on some small human being who is watching on everything).
My answer was nothing philosophical or something that my teacher was asking for; I just explained how I see the world.
Every one of us counts (including the trees wink ), abuse has happened and that boy was not forgotten, even such cruel fact that there are no pics of him from past is direct bridge to him and not some dead end.
Keep searching further for your answers....

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#417375 - 11/27/12 09:36 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
so ironic - i could get as many as i wanted - if i wanted them - but i don't want anything to do with old photos.

and you are wishing for something that probly doesn't exist.

any chance there are photos in records at schools or the social agencies - even legal files? might be more difficult to track down - but may be an angle to explore.

just a thought,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#417384 - 11/27/12 11:23 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1563
Loc: New England
I also have no photos of myself from the abuse period of my childhood. I locked myself in my room for several years and rarely came out. No wonder.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#417404 - 11/27/12 03:16 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1395
I wonder if the photos would help you. I look at the ones of me - I'm just a goofy kid smiling back - either because I'm clueless or hiding, or probably both.

It's particularly tough when I realize what probably happened the night before or the night after any of those images. I just want to reach back and shake some sense into him - tell him to wake up, run, get help. But he still just smiles.

Be careful what you wish for.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#417405 - 11/27/12 03:44 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 616
Loc: VA
I have school photos from The Age At Which, and they don't reveal much except that I used to be a cute kid. My avatar photo was probably taken at age 7 or 8, within a year after The Bad Stuff happened at summer camp.

I agree that it's frustrating not to find the most commonplace documentation from one's CSA era. I have tons of leftover, unused school pics (which is sad in its own way) but can't find any indication (newspapers, old ads, local history stories, old maps) that the Little Summer Camp of Horrors ever existed. All I have is a story, and my sister's story about the same place.

But despite your lack of photos, gecko, you know YOU existed, and you SURVIVED some of the worst that life can hand a kid. Some photos would be nice, but a life is better! Peace.

John

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#417491 - 11/28/12 07:15 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I never wanted to se photos if me from that period before, but now I believe that I have to make peace with the boy that I was in order to heal. I thought photos would help.

When I was a teenager and even into my early twenties, I often felt as if I didn't really exist... Like I wasn't a real person. It was hard not to remember that feeling when I couldn't find any photos... But!

Lee, you're a genius. I was in "the system" for several years. Social services must have had photos. It's just a mater of how long they keep their records. It's so long ago... And I also recall being photographed for school year-books. Perhaps I should try to get my hands on one of those first, before I contact social services...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417497 - 11/28/12 08:28 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
smile

elementary, my dear...
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#417522 - 11/28/12 11:03 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I am sorry to hear that gecko, maybe some pictures will turn up in the near future? Good on you for the progress you have made in reclaiming your childhood. While I have access to photos of me as a kid I have a hard time looking at them without anger/grief. I think the fact that you are trying to reconnect with that little boy is awesome!
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#417547 - 11/28/12 03:14 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I never wanted to se photos if me from that period before, but now I believe that I have to make peace with the boy that I was in order to heal. I thought photos would help.

Photos really helped me to come up with an idea of who I was and what happened to me. Photos brought verification of who and where I was. Sometimes I wondered if they ran to get a camera whenever I got abused.
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko

When I was a teenager and even into my early twenties, I often felt as if I didn't really exist... Like I wasn't a real person. It was hard not to remember that feeling when I couldn't find any photos... But!

I think that sounds like Depersonalization Disorder, which I've had in abundance. I would try to find myself in other people.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder



Puffer

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#417549 - 11/28/12 03:22 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I have been avoiding photos of myself all my life ( i thought I just hated my face)....from the age of maybe 12 till now at 35 I actively try to keep myself out of my friends and families recollections...its as if I want to not exist.


Edited by Steve0123 (11/28/12 03:23 PM)

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#417552 - 11/28/12 04:23 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: Steve0123]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I must add that my attitude toward photos of me as a child has changed as I progressed through recovery. At first I viewed the photos very emotionally. The ones that were reminiscent of abuse seemed horrible. Then the ones, like my avatar, seemed cheesy. I was very fault-finding with all of my photos. Now I can see them as being just photos. I see that they give me some good information about who I was then and what I was like.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (12/02/12 09:52 PM)

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#417599 - 11/29/12 02:02 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: pufferfish]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I think that sounds like Depersonalization Disorder, which I've had in abundance. I would try to find myself in other people.

Yup, that is what it is. I was diagnosed at 23, along with PTSD, BPD and major depression. wink

I've looked up the number for my old school. I plan to call them and ask if they still have the year books from the years I was there. For some reason I'm stalling, though. I've reached for the phone at least 10 times, but I haven't had the courage to dial the number. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Am I afraid that they won't have them, and it will turn out to be another dead-end, another disappointment? Or am I afraid that they will have them? I don't know. I want to see what I looked like as a child, but at the same time, I guess I'm scared of what I will see and how I will react...

I hate this. I should never have this much time to think about doing something this big. I inevitably end up over-thinking it and driving myself crazy...


Edited by crazy gecko (11/29/12 02:10 AM)
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#417611 - 11/29/12 05:49 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Gecko

For goodness sakes just give me the phone and I'll do it. wink

Come on hurry up! The suspense is killing me.

You (we) think too much!!!! Just do it. Either they do or they don't have photos and then you will know.

But if and when you see the pics - don't expect too much. Seeing them is not likely to be a miracle cure (although that would be fantastic). I understand why you need to see them though.

smile
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#417613 - 11/29/12 06:53 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I did it.

I called the school.

I spoke to the secretary and she said they keep copies of all the year-books ever printed. cool They probably won't be able to give me one, but I am welcome to come to the school and look through them. I'll have to take off work to go, so it'll probably only be next week...


Edited by crazy gecko (11/29/12 06:55 AM)
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#417617 - 11/29/12 07:43 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
cool

Next week will come soon enough.....just try not to over think it. Ok I know that is like saying try not to breath but you know what I mean.

Good work Gecko! I am proud!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#417975 - 12/02/12 09:26 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Alidade Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 56
Loc: Houston, Texas
I don't have any pics of me from my childhood either. I just have one baby pic of me crying in Santa's lap. My aunt has all the photos that my grandparents had taken over the years and she says she intends to scan them but it's been nearly five years and still no progress. I try to be polite when I speak with her about the photos but my patience is wearing thin. It's as if she is holding my childhood hostage from me but I haven't dared tell her that.
_________________________
I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
Bono (U2) - 1987

Do what you love and love will find you. - Me (21 June 09)

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#417977 - 12/02/12 09:56 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: Alidade]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I just watched another version of Oliver Twist. I always see myself as Oliver. I can't be the only one since it's such a popular story. It shows the compassion and understanding Dickens had about the misfortunes of children. When I see myself as Oliver, I often shed some tears. But I don't think this is harmful. I think it helps me discover myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpYVXdpm6zg

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (12/02/12 09:58 PM)

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#417979 - 12/02/12 10:10 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Puffer - i also love Oliver Twist. our school did the musical version several years ago and i helped with the production - great experience. as a kid i was strongly attracted to orphan stories - other Dickens ones, the Boxcar Children, Huck Finn, etc. i didn't put it together until recently - though i had a mom and step-dad - i felt like an orphan. mom wasn't there for me - step-dad was abusive. i actually sometimes envied the orphans who were free to go their own way. and you are right - not a bad thing to be moved by it - it actually is getting in touch with our own "inner orphan." wink

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#417992 - 12/03/12 12:51 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: traveler]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: traveler
it actually is getting in touch with our own "inner orphan." wink

I like that - "inner orphan". I've always felt like an orphan. My father was abusive, my mother was just not there, even when she was...

I've made an arrangement with the school to go look at the photos on Wednesday. I chose Wednesday because I see my T in the afternoon. I thought it would be good to be able to see her as soon as possible after...

My girlfriend has offered to go with me, to support me. I'm still deciding. I could use the support, but I'm afraid of how I might react. She's seen me triggered, but not to the point where I break down, and I'm sure I'm ready for her to do so...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#417993 - 12/03/12 12:52 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: Alidade]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Alidade
I don't have any pics of me from my childhood either. I just have one baby pic of me crying in Santa's lap. My aunt has all the photos that my grandparents had taken over the years and she says she intends to scan them but it's been nearly five years and still no progress. I try to be polite when I speak with her about the photos but my patience is wearing thin. It's as if she is holding my childhood hostage from me but I haven't dared tell her that.

I'm sorry... it really sucks that she won't make the effort to do something that's so important to you... frown
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#418097 - 12/03/12 10:03 PM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
cg

I've thought about going to the communities where I lived in order to see the yearbooks. I have one yearbook from when I was in 9th grade and it seems to document my despair. I scanned some of the pictures and have actually posted them in here. Everything like that helped me to fit together the pieces.

Puffer

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#418125 - 12/04/12 01:22 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
A friend who lives on a different continent asked me yesterday to send her a recent photo of my daughter. I got home last night, and started up my laptop to find one to send to her. I opened up explorer and sat staring at the long list of folders containing photos of her, and suddenly the tears were flowing. So many photos... so much love. And I had none. Nothing. No photos, no love. No one ever cared enough about me to want to preserve memories of my childhood. cry

So here's my confession: I am jealous of my own daughter. I wanted what she has. I love her more than the air I breathe, and all I ever wanted when I was a child, was for someone to feel that way about me. Sometimes I think I could have handled all the other shit if only there was someone - anyone - who loved me...

So in the end I couldn't even open one of those folders. I can't believe something like that could trigger me so badly...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#418126 - 12/04/12 02:28 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Gecko,
one my friend showed me couple months ago the song that he and his buddies in junior school or kindergarten were singing for Christmas. It is song about lonely boy who is playing with snow flakes.
I were crying all evening when listening that song. Even I have many photos from childhood, even my parents were full of love and support, there were moments when I as boy was left completely alone and that feeling is haunting me ever since from time to time.
I wonder is there sadder feeling of being left alone as child ?
There are many things that could easily bring such hurtful emotions on surface, sometimes we are more fragile and we can easily get into it, sometimes we are more solid.
Hang on brother!
And you know now when I almost cried (yep it is embarrassing but true wink ) when reading about your feelings I just need to give you my warmest hug, you are not alone my friend

((((Gecko)))) smile

_________________________
My story

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#418129 - 12/04/12 04:49 AM Re: I have no photos of myself age 4-16 [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Gecko

I understand.

It if only someone cared about us the way we care about our kids.

It is unfair and sucks. I get jealous of the love and affection that my kids get from me...I wanted that. I didn't get it.

We can't change the past but we can make sure it doesn't repeat.
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More than meets the eye!

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