I have been avoiding photos of myself all my life ( i thought I just hated my face)....from the age of maybe 12 till now at 35 I actively try to keep myself out of my friends and families recollections...its as if I want to not exist.

I must add that my attitude toward photos of me as a child has changed as I progressed through recovery. At first I viewed the photos very emotionally. The ones that were reminiscent of abuse seemed horrible. Then the ones, like my avatar, seemed cheesy. I was very fault-finding with all of my photos. Now I can see them as being just photos. I see that they give me some good information about who I was then and what I was like.

Puffer

Yup, that is what it is. I was diagnosed at 23, along with PTSD, BPD and major depression.

I've looked up the number for my old school. I plan to call them and ask if they still have the year books from the years I was there. For some reason I'm stalling, though. I've reached for the phone at least 10 times, but I haven't had the courage to dial the number. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Am I afraid that they won't have them, and it will turn out to be another dead-end, another disappointment? Or am I afraid that they will have them? I don't know. I want to see what I looked like as a child, but at the same time, I guess I'm scared of what I will see and how I will react...

I hate this. I should never have this much time to think about doing something this big. I inevitably end up over-thinking it and driving myself crazy...

Hey Gecko

For goodness sakes just give me the phone and I'll do it.

Come on hurry up! The suspense is killing me.

You (we) think too much!!!! Just do it. Either they do or they don't have photos and then you will know.

But if and when you see the pics - don't expect too much. Seeing them is not likely to be a miracle cure (although that would be fantastic). I understand why you need to see them though.

I did it.

I called the school.

I spoke to the secretary and she said they keep copies of all the year-books ever printed. They probably won't be able to give me one, but I am welcome to come to the school and look through them. I'll have to take off work to go, so it'll probably only be next week...

Next week will come soon enough.....just try not to over think it. Ok I know that is like saying try not to breath but you know what I mean.

Good work Gecko! I am proud!

I don't have any pics of me from my childhood either. I just have one baby pic of me crying in Santa's lap. My aunt has all the photos that my grandparents had taken over the years and she says she intends to scan them but it's been nearly five years and still no progress. I try to be polite when I speak with her about the photos but my patience is wearing thin. It's as if she is holding my childhood hostage from me but I haven't dared tell her that.

I just watched another version of Oliver Twist. I always see myself as Oliver. I can't be the only one since it's such a popular story. It shows the compassion and understanding Dickens had about the misfortunes of children. When I see myself as Oliver, I often shed some tears. But I don't think this is harmful. I think it helps me discover myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpYVXdpm6zg

Puffer

Puffer - i also love Oliver Twist. our school did the musical version several years ago and i helped with the production - great experience. as a kid i was strongly attracted to orphan stories - other Dickens ones, the Boxcar Children, Huck Finn, etc. i didn't put it together until recently - though i had a mom and step-dad - i felt like an orphan. mom wasn't there for me - step-dad was abusive. i actually sometimes envied the orphans who were free to go their own way. and you are right - not a bad thing to be moved by it - it actually is getting in touch with our own "inner orphan."

Lee

I like that - "inner orphan". I've always felt like an orphan. My father was abusive, my mother was just not there, even when she was...

I've made an arrangement with the school to go look at the photos on Wednesday. I chose Wednesday because I see my T in the afternoon. I thought it would be good to be able to see her as soon as possible after...

My girlfriend has offered to go with me, to support me. I'm still deciding. I could use the support, but I'm afraid of how I might react. She's seen me triggered, but not to the point where I break down, and I'm sure I'm ready for her to do so...