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#417309 - 11/26/12 03:55 PM Found my perp. Still alive.
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
I did something today I probably should not have done and learned something I wished I hadn't learned.

I wanted some start to a safe resolution (if that's possible) to the status of my perp. I knew he was about 70 when he got me in 1986 and had fully assumed he had to be dead by now.

So I called my old elementary school and gave them a fake last name (my vmail message has just my first name) and a fake story. I introduced myself by saying my story would sound very strange but asked the woman in the office to hear me out. Said I was a former student and in 1986 I had stolen some property from one of their substitute teachers, a Mister _____. Said that was far from the worst thing I'd ever done and that I was now in a recovery program and as part of the steps I had to make amends with people I'd hurt over the years. I still had the guy's satchel and umbrella in my parents basement and wanted to give it back - did anyone know how to reach him?

She said she'd work on it and call me back. I had expected to feel disgusting at the idea of ME being the criminal against HIM but much to my surprise I enjoyed the mental image and the way I could convincingly play the part of the nervous embarrassed victim. Heh. Maybe not entirely playing, maybe just remembering / exaggerating.

To my immense surprise she called me back with the man's full name, former town, and that he had stopped working at the school in the '90s, when he was in his 80s.

But his name....

I've always known his last name. You call your teachers Mister so-and-so. Feels very wrong to call him mister anything, but getting his first name didn't help. I'm telling you I never knew his first name. Since all this resurfaced and I've been thinking about it more, I just made up a first name for him, one that I was somehow sure was right. But I made it up. Didn't I?

Because it turns out my made-up name for him is almost exactly right. He's actually the more regional / ethnic equivalent of the name I made up. Like - if I'd picked "Paul," and his name turned out to be "Paolo." The way a kid would hear a nearly familiar name and remember it "wrong" into the more common version.

All I remember are the physical elements of what he did to me and the very little he said to me during that time (mostly orders for physical movements which I obeyed). Nothing from before or after. No intro, smalltalk, grooming, backstory to get me alone, whatever.

So how the fuck do I know what would have sounded to a kid like his name? Did he tell me, and if so when and as part of what kind of talk? Chills.

Between the name and former town, about 5 minutes on Google got me his current town (he's moved out of state), year of birth and precise age..... and his phone number.

He was 66. When he did it to me. Born 1920, was 66 in '86, is STILL ALIVE at 92. Worked in that district at least 5 years after my incident, no idea how long in total or how many others there may have been. When he sodomized me he was 66 - one year older than my father is now. A very unfortunate comparison that sent my mind reeling - especially since my nephew is 8 and i now have all too clear reference models for body sizes and the sort of mechanics that would have to be involved.

Have been hyper and irritable the rest of the day and got no work done at all.

Sitting here looking at that phone number.

God dammit why couldn't he be dead???


Edited by SoccerStar (11/26/12 04:03 PM)
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#417314 - 11/26/12 04:51 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
Im so sorry to hear that the search for your perp didn't turn out the way you wanted it too. It must be very frustrating that the person that caused you so much turmoil is still breathing. If he were dead at least you could get some sense of closure.

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#417315 - 11/26/12 05:08 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 735
Loc: Southeast USA
Tread lightly. Probability says your closure will come sooner rather than later. Who knows? He could be riddled with chronic disease like Alzheimer's or congestive heart failure. Now if you want to ask the question before too much time passes...well...

I've imagined what it would be like to confront a perp. Satisfying? Terrifying? He would likely not "recall such acts." I've tracked down the two people I want to...but I'm not ready to do anything with the info at this point.

You could send a detailed letter and leave off the return address rather than call him...do you have the address??? You know, the register of deeds in most counties has a public online search of property records that can be a great resource.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417327 - 11/26/12 06:41 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
I called the number. It was just one of those stupid peoplesearch websites saying he was alive. Those aren't even run by people - it could have been wrong.

Silly apes are too curious for their own good.

*67
"Hello?"
"Good-afternoon-may-I-please-speak-with-Pervy-McScumbag?"
"Yes, speaking."
*CLICK*(metaphorically - cell phones don't click)

Guess that's that! Same Eastern Europe accent. Still fucking alive.

I braced myself for who-knows-what but it never came: no flashbacks, no crying. My sole overriding emotion is of cheated disappointment that he is still alive and that was overwhelming enough that hearing his voice again didn't serve as anything other than the proof of what REALLY pissed me off.

A girl who was in that same elementary school with me had an undiagnosed latent heart defect that dropped her at 19. Another boy also at that school with me died in his World Trade Center office aged 22. Another girl, breast cancer, 30. College buddy and his wife were walking on a jetty and swept out, both under 30.

Robbie Middleton is dead.

But not this guy. Oh no not him. Ninety-fucking-two. Hey maybe he'll be one of those Guinness Book / WW1 veterans who makes 110. I'll work to pay for his Medicare, s'all cool bro, no hard feelings - show me another magic trick while you're at it, the ones that made all of us laugh.

God dammit.


Edited by SoccerStar (11/26/12 06:49 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417341 - 11/26/12 10:18 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 735
Loc: Southeast USA
I'm very sorry to hear that. It sounds unfulfilling to say the least. Life can be pretty damn unfair. Do you feel like you may call back and say your piece?

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417347 - 11/27/12 12:39 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Right now I don't think so, no. I truly was hoping someone else would pick up and confirm he was dead. Still new to this, I've only been dealing with it in any fashion for about a month. I'm holding my shit together but am definitely less "okay" with having spoken to him than I was this afternoon. He was talking real loud like old men do and sounds like a movie Nazi. Not something I'd ever see myself arguing with.

(Triggers?)

When he attacked me as a child he was so casual about using me, humiliating me, wringing out everything I actually was to just be his dump. I did say "no" and not only did he not listen but he didn't break pace, like I'd said nothing. From a sense of basic justice I feel like he deserves to see that I'm still alive, that I know exactly who and where he is, and that I've accomplished a lot in my life. That I matter to people and have done good things.

Maybe that letter thing. I actually don't have his precise address but with his name, city, and phone # it should be trivial to dig up.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417354 - 11/27/12 07:12 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Sorry you didn't get the closure you hoped for frown

Life is so unfair...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

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#417363 - 11/27/12 08:26 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Take a look at:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

It may give you some ideas of how you can make it work for you.


good luck

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#417364 - 11/27/12 08:38 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
We're here for you, Soccer.

Stay strong.

Cant
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#417372 - 11/27/12 09:24 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 616
Loc: VA
smile Positive spin: Hey Soccer, if the perv is still with-it enough to answer the phone himself, maybe you threw a scare into him with the say-his-name-&-hang-up call! If he's a typical perv, he well remembers what he did and has worked hard through the years to hide it. Now he knows that somebody "knows where he lives".

I wish I could do that to the Bad Guy who got me! If he's still around (i.e., cirrhosis or another kid-victim didn't get him yet), he must be in his 80's or 90's. Peace.

John

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#417376 - 11/27/12 09:40 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
Soccer,

This is a very emotional post for me to read. I just want to cry, but my daughter is here, so I ought not.

Would a drop-bye visit to this turd with a cop/detective be possible? Put the fear of God into him? Make him wonder if he's going to die in prison.

Maybe formally charge him?

I remain crushed over this. I hate this along with you.
_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

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#417377 - 11/27/12 09:44 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
finallyopen Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Hi Soccer
I understand where you are coming from.
Lucky for me, I found out that my major perp is dead. In finding the details I was told he suffered a long illness and was bedridden for a couple of years. I remember part of the closure I got on that day .. may he rot in hell.
I think the best way to look at your situation is that yes he's 92 but he likely has no life and that the things that he did to you and probably others haunt him everyday of his life.
Take care of yourself and try to let him go .. I know it's easier said than done.
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My Story : http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4645#Post434645

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#417398 - 11/27/12 02:35 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: finallyopen]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Thank you all so much for the suggestions and helping me try to cope with this. I see many in this thread seeking closure of their own, some unsure if it would be worth the emotional risk, a few having gotten it and at least some satisfaction. I hope to get it for myself someday.

Only bad feelings came from speaking to him again, especially now that I have learned that my prolonged sexual identity crisis might have been his doing. I eventually learned to accept, like, and enjoy myself as I am - but it's a terrible shock to think that every day of loathing and guilt and doubt for a decade might have been his. No other hurt came close. That isn't just a guy you cold-call.

To Still: There can be no charges. The statute of limitations for civil action expired on my 19th birthday, and for criminal charges on my 23rd. Every year since 2005 the state assembly has introduced legislation to create a one year "Gotcha Last!" window for people to file claims even after SOL is over and every year it has been blocked - for the pretty sensible reason that it was written only to effect religious institutions and private schools, exempting public schools like mine. So even if they pass it, which they won't, I would still have no legal recourse. Meanwhile, I today would surely be held liable for any claim of stalking, harassment, or slander that he or any of his relatives could suggest. So that letter would have to be VERY anonymous, like, no fingerprints.


Edited by SoccerStar (11/27/12 03:17 PM)
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My story

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#417406 - 11/27/12 03:49 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1383
I applaud your courage, Soccer. I know where my perp lives. I go out of my way and drive by his house every time I go back home. Some day I will get the courage to confront him, talk with him, ask him about HIS journey with all this.

That may sound mild, but I don't want to vent. I don't want to destroy him like he almost destroyed me and my sister and so many others. I just want answers. My whole life has been nothing but questions, and while drilling into him with anger may satisfy me for a moment, it's the answers I really need.

Does he feel remorse? Does he still fantasize about it? Has he forgotten it? Does he still do that to others? Has he done it to his own kids? His decisions alone determined the actions we both took. I had to bend to his will and accommodate him as a result of decisions he made. So I have dealt for years with the consequences of his decisions. Has he? If he hasn't, isn't it about time?

I have read with interest Ken Singer's suggestion on confrontation. I may soon be putting it to the test. And it will be face-to-face.
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Eirik




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#417409 - 11/27/12 04:40 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1708
I understand your situation. I found my perp after searching on line for months, I wonder why I kept searching and did not let sleeping dogs lie--he was still alive and had to be an advanced age. Went back to my hometown to see my Mom and decided I must see him. I parked the car across the street from his house, waiting for him to come out. He did not appear--the house actually looked like no one was home--drapes drawn. I also went to the church where he does part time work--could not enter. This was the first time I tried to see him. The second was several months later and the day after visiting the place of my abuse. First to the house, waited and saw no one. Went to the church a different story and what happened after that haunts me. Any satisfaction, none just more guilt.

In a way I had wished he was dead, then there would be no options--but he was not. And in the end I did not receive any satisfaction just more confusion as to who I was--a part that despised him and another part that felt special towards him. I am not sure if this helps you but be careful-sometimes what we wish for only creates more confusion and hurt.

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#417418 - 11/27/12 05:44 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 735
Loc: Southeast USA
This thread has inspired me to act. I may compose a new letter and send it without a return address.

After I vent, I want to answers to questions like:

Why did you pick me?
Were there others?
Was that the first time you did that?
Why did you express your sexuality that way?
Were you under the impression that it was consensual? It wasn't....and I was a minor.
Do you still feel the same way about minors?
Do you have any remorse?
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417421 - 11/27/12 06:07 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
This is a real inspiring thread indeed. Two of my rapists I see weekly on campus but cannot bring myself to look at them. One of them was in a class of mine this semester, it was awful. But the others--- the 100s of other men who were my cyber predators online and made child pornography of me--- they remain anonymous, unreachable, and often in other countries. You are SO brave, and I do not know how or what I would say to them, if it were possible to find them. I can only hope that some of their other victims confront them, if not the police as their online activities have left a trail of evidence.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417529 - 11/28/12 11:46 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Whatever you choose to do I hope it brings you some sense of closure or greater self-understanding. I have heard it said, and I agree, that survivors need not contact their abuser in order to recover. Some see it as part of their recovery and some do not there is no right way or wrong way. As an added caveat, should you contact him in any way be prepared for his reaction or lack thereof. Often times, these guys will downplay what they did or deny it outright. In my case, I sent a facebook message to my abuser and never received a response. I didn't need one, but that sort of casual dismissal is actually fairly common with contacted abusers - especially if they are unrelated to you and know they will not have to deal with you in everyday life.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#430987 - 04/12/13 08:25 AM Found THE perp. He isn't "mine." [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Bumping this thread for something of an update....

I have him at last, I got his full address in addition to the phone number. He is in one of those fancy mini-townish assisted living communities. I also found the house he lived in in '86, where apparently his middle-aged daughter still lives. I have it on GoogleMaps right now, I even know its market value.

I still don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I should go to see his house because if I could see a welcome mat, a mailbox he had to check, a garbage can he had to take out, he'd seem less fiendish and irresistibly powerful. Though since my mental image of such a visit also includes me guilting the daughter into shelling out some token sum for my therapy bills, I think more of a reality check is in order. I might just look... don't really know why.

Never did do that confrontation letter. Have always been too afraid to write it, my past attempts would inevitably lead me into reliving, panicking, and.... not wanting to make him mad at me. How much of a chickenshit is that? Since delving into role play therapy and verbalizing my emotional responses I've at least been able to feel one other thing.... not anger or hate per se, but rather... indignation. I am OFFENDED by what he did. By how casual he was, by the presumption, by feeling he had the right to violently vandalize a helpless kid. He patted me on the head, after. And at that much I am now - in a change from the past - able to raise and deepen my inner voice and holler "How DARE you - after all THAT????!!!!?"

Don't know if that's the "voice" you need for such a writing exercise, whether the letter goes sent or unsent. My psychiatrist says I should minimize all thoughts of the perp, that "he's not my enemy," that I should regard it as a hit-and-run driver - like, it was nothing personal, so just learn to walk again. My T senses I'm very ambivalent over it and is not pushing me towards any decision.

I wish he would just die already. And I really really don't want to turn out to have some annual ritual of calling from a blocked number to see if he's dead yet. But I think about doing just that... a lot... Feel like I should have resolved this one way or another by now.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#430994 - 04/12/13 09:18 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Matt, good to see you bringing this very important issue again.

Well it looks to me that you are more than ready for writing your letter to him. It hasn't to be send at all, but maybe you could start writing it? At least one try?
Just couple of lines written in message from lost and hurt boy from back than in 1986 to this person now trough strong, intelligent and powerful man called Matt that you become now in 2013.
Let yourself to be channel and voice of hurt boy toward that Eastern European perp.
Listen small Matt, hug him, give him comfort and safety protecting him in your arms. Let him speak loudly. He was left in silence for too long and now there is chance to bring him some light by helping him.
You love him so much and he deserves to be heard. So what is he trying to tell all those years? Why he was silent for so long, what was on his mind that kept him closed in hurt for so long?
There is no need for him to be scared, you are holding him safely and you are there waiting for him. Give him time and assure him.
Let him make it, he can do it with your support.
Just couple of lines...
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My story

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#431024 - 04/12/13 01:18 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:51 PM)

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#431043 - 04/12/13 05:49 PM Re: Found THE perp. He isn't "mine." [Re: SoccerStar]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Like the snakes we sometimes compare them to perps are more scared of us than we are of them. I disagree with you therapist about this not being personal. It was personal. However, I agree with your therapist that you should only write a letter if you truly feel it will help. Truth be told the process of writing the letter for me was more therapeutic than actually sending it (naturally, he did not respond but it was through facebook so I know he read it). It was a good step I think though and don't regret doing it at all.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#431102 - 04/13/13 11:34 AM Re: Found THE perp. He isn't "mine." [Re: SoccerStar]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Hi Matt. Just got caught up on this thread as I wasn't here hen you first posted it. Wow. Powerful stuff.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Part of me feels like I should go to see his house because if I could see a welcome mat, a mailbox he had to check, a garbage can he had to take out, he'd seem less fiendish and irresistibly powerful. Though since my mental image of such a visit also includes me guilting the daughter into shelling out some token sum for my therapy bills, I think more of a reality check is in order. I might just look... don't really know why.


I'd say do it. Couldn't hurt, right? Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but I doubt it could hurt. Sounds like something I'd do were I in your shoes. Also, I'd like to echo peroperic's suggestion of going ahead and trying to write that letter. Maybe just sit down and start writing. A couple of lines if nothing else and see where it goes. It may go nowhere and it may wind up being the most therapeutic thing you've ever done. Who knows? You won't know until and unless you try though. And, as is always the case with these letters, you don't have to send it, just write it. Although, I wouldn't disagree with your sending it either if you did. Who knows, if you wrote his ass a really angry letter and detailed exactly what he did to you and how it damaged you, it might stress him out so much that he has a heart attack and kicks off right then and there. That would be cool, right? Peace,

Ken

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