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#417309 - 11/26/12 03:55 PM Found my perp. Still alive.
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
I did something today I probably should not have done and learned something I wished I hadn't learned.

I wanted some start to a safe resolution (if that's possible) to the status of my perp. I knew he was about 70 when he got me in 1986 and had fully assumed he had to be dead by now.

So I called my old elementary school and gave them a fake last name (my vmail message has just my first name) and a fake story. I introduced myself by saying my story would sound very strange but asked the woman in the office to hear me out. Said I was a former student and in 1986 I had stolen some property from one of their substitute teachers, a Mister _____. Said that was far from the worst thing I'd ever done and that I was now in a recovery program and as part of the steps I had to make amends with people I'd hurt over the years. I still had the guy's satchel and umbrella in my parents basement and wanted to give it back - did anyone know how to reach him?

She said she'd work on it and call me back. I had expected to feel disgusting at the idea of ME being the criminal against HIM but much to my surprise I enjoyed the mental image and the way I could convincingly play the part of the nervous embarrassed victim. Heh. Maybe not entirely playing, maybe just remembering / exaggerating.

To my immense surprise she called me back with the man's full name, former town, and that he had stopped working at the school in the '90s, when he was in his 80s.

But his name....

I've always known his last name. You call your teachers Mister so-and-so. Feels very wrong to call him mister anything, but getting his first name didn't help. I'm telling you I never knew his first name. Since all this resurfaced and I've been thinking about it more, I just made up a first name for him, one that I was somehow sure was right. But I made it up. Didn't I?

Because it turns out my made-up name for him is almost exactly right. He's actually the more regional / ethnic equivalent of the name I made up. Like - if I'd picked "Paul," and his name turned out to be "Paolo." The way a kid would hear a nearly familiar name and remember it "wrong" into the more common version.

All I remember are the physical elements of what he did to me and the very little he said to me during that time (mostly orders for physical movements which I obeyed). Nothing from before or after. No intro, smalltalk, grooming, backstory to get me alone, whatever.

So how the fuck do I know what would have sounded to a kid like his name? Did he tell me, and if so when and as part of what kind of talk? Chills.

Between the name and former town, about 5 minutes on Google got me his current town (he's moved out of state), year of birth and precise age..... and his phone number.

He was 66. When he did it to me. Born 1920, was 66 in '86, is STILL ALIVE at 92. Worked in that district at least 5 years after my incident, no idea how long in total or how many others there may have been. When he sodomized me he was 66 - one year older than my father is now. A very unfortunate comparison that sent my mind reeling - especially since my nephew is 8 and i now have all too clear reference models for body sizes and the sort of mechanics that would have to be involved.

Have been hyper and irritable the rest of the day and got no work done at all.

Sitting here looking at that phone number.

God dammit why couldn't he be dead???


Edited by SoccerStar (11/26/12 04:03 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417314 - 11/26/12 04:51 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
Im so sorry to hear that the search for your perp didn't turn out the way you wanted it too. It must be very frustrating that the person that caused you so much turmoil is still breathing. If he were dead at least you could get some sense of closure.

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#417315 - 11/26/12 05:08 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 758
Loc: Southeast USA
Tread lightly. Probability says your closure will come sooner rather than later. Who knows? He could be riddled with chronic disease like Alzheimer's or congestive heart failure. Now if you want to ask the question before too much time passes...well...

I've imagined what it would be like to confront a perp. Satisfying? Terrifying? He would likely not "recall such acts." I've tracked down the two people I want to...but I'm not ready to do anything with the info at this point.

You could send a detailed letter and leave off the return address rather than call him...do you have the address??? You know, the register of deeds in most counties has a public online search of property records that can be a great resource.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417327 - 11/26/12 06:41 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
I called the number. It was just one of those stupid peoplesearch websites saying he was alive. Those aren't even run by people - it could have been wrong.

Silly apes are too curious for their own good.

*67
"Hello?"
"Good-afternoon-may-I-please-speak-with-Pervy-McScumbag?"
"Yes, speaking."
*CLICK*(metaphorically - cell phones don't click)

Guess that's that! Same Eastern Europe accent. Still fucking alive.

I braced myself for who-knows-what but it never came: no flashbacks, no crying. My sole overriding emotion is of cheated disappointment that he is still alive and that was overwhelming enough that hearing his voice again didn't serve as anything other than the proof of what REALLY pissed me off.

A girl who was in that same elementary school with me had an undiagnosed latent heart defect that dropped her at 19. Another boy also at that school with me died in his World Trade Center office aged 22. Another girl, breast cancer, 30. College buddy and his wife were walking on a jetty and swept out, both under 30.

Robbie Middleton is dead.

But not this guy. Oh no not him. Ninety-fucking-two. Hey maybe he'll be one of those Guinness Book / WW1 veterans who makes 110. I'll work to pay for his Medicare, s'all cool bro, no hard feelings - show me another magic trick while you're at it, the ones that made all of us laugh.

God dammit.


Edited by SoccerStar (11/26/12 06:49 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417341 - 11/26/12 10:18 PM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 758
Loc: Southeast USA
I'm very sorry to hear that. It sounds unfulfilling to say the least. Life can be pretty damn unfair. Do you feel like you may call back and say your piece?

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417347 - 11/27/12 12:39 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Right now I don't think so, no. I truly was hoping someone else would pick up and confirm he was dead. Still new to this, I've only been dealing with it in any fashion for about a month. I'm holding my shit together but am definitely less "okay" with having spoken to him than I was this afternoon. He was talking real loud like old men do and sounds like a movie Nazi. Not something I'd ever see myself arguing with.

(Triggers?)

When he attacked me as a child he was so casual about using me, humiliating me, wringing out everything I actually was to just be his dump. I did say "no" and not only did he not listen but he didn't break pace, like I'd said nothing. From a sense of basic justice I feel like he deserves to see that I'm still alive, that I know exactly who and where he is, and that I've accomplished a lot in my life. That I matter to people and have done good things.

Maybe that letter thing. I actually don't have his precise address but with his name, city, and phone # it should be trivial to dig up.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417354 - 11/27/12 07:12 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Sorry you didn't get the closure you hoped for frown

Life is so unfair...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417363 - 11/27/12 08:26 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Take a look at:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

It may give you some ideas of how you can make it work for you.


good luck

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#417364 - 11/27/12 08:38 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
We're here for you, Soccer.

Stay strong.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#417372 - 11/27/12 09:24 AM Re: Found my perp. Still alive. [Re: SoccerStar]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 624
Loc: VA
smile Positive spin: Hey Soccer, if the perv is still with-it enough to answer the phone himself, maybe you threw a scare into him with the say-his-name-&-hang-up call! If he's a typical perv, he well remembers what he did and has worked hard through the years to hide it. Now he knows that somebody "knows where he lives".

I wish I could do that to the Bad Guy who got me! If he's still around (i.e., cirrhosis or another kid-victim didn't get him yet), he must be in his 80's or 90's. Peace.

John

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