As mentioned in my previous post things were still very confusing and I had become a very shy individual. The start of my internalization had begun.
A bunch of guys from school decided to join Air Cadets and I followed suit thinking that this would be a way to come out of my shell. I had been in Cadets for a year or so and they decided to do a survival weekend, we were split into groups of 6 and sent off into the wilderness for the night. We found shelter, setup camp in an old building we found. A typical bunch of young teenagers we started goofin around - I remember one of the guys being very proud of the size of his penis then everyone joined in to compare .. it was all laughs n giggles. It was finally time to settle in .. weather was in the minus temps and we were all freezing. Decided we should try to sleep in pairs for the body heat toward off the cold.
In the middle of the night, the guy I was partnered with started softly humping me with a full erection. Although I hesitated, my past experience taught me that he was wanting to
be friends so I rolled over to service him, which he did not reject. Seemingly, everything was good and that was what he wanted.
The next morning as we headed back for breakfast at the main camp .. everyone was quite. It wasn't until we returned to the messhall that he broke off from the group and told everyone in the squadron what had transpired. Needless to say I was ashamed, embaraced and totally humiliated!
Air Cadets quickly became a thing of the past. Even more borders came up and I became a virtual loner, sticking to myself, being my own friend.
As time passed, I started to date girls but being very shy and withdrawn, anyone liking me would have to hit me over the head with a baseball bat .. I was never the aggressor. Things
started to go fairly well, to a point.
It was the eve of my neices birth, a date that I reflect on every year. My sister was in hospital and my brother-in-law asked my parents if I could go down and spend the night to
keep him company. They did not hesitate to send me off with him.
Arriving at their apartment, we got the stuff out for me to sleep on the couch and I proceeded to take a bath. Bob told me to keep the door unlocked, as he had to shave. I was a bit
timid about this, but he was my brother-in-law. As I lay in the bath soaking, he came in - I quickly covered my genitals with a wash cloth and I was totally shocked to see that he
was completely naked. I remember him saying "what's wrong with you .. don't be so dumb .. I'm a guy, your a guy .. we have the same equipment .. grow up!". As he stood their shaving I removed the washcloth and continued with my bath.
When I got out of the tub and dried off, I proceeded to the living room to make-up my bed. Bob interupted me saying "don't bother with that, I don't want to clean it up in the morning .. just sleep in the bedroom with me". Reluctantly, I said ok.
Once I settled in bed, I could feel something climbing up my thigh .. reaching down to brush it off, I was meant by his penis becoming fully erect, his head rubbing on my thigh. I moved over in the bed to get away from it .. it was at that time he pulled me back and got on top of me. He shoved
himself into my mouth. I couldn't go anywhere .. removing himself he pinned me and removed my underwear then proceeded to go down on me. Naturally I became frieghtened and allowed him to proceed .. I couldn't beleive this was happenning to me! He attempted numerous times to penetrate, but climaxed before he could break me. He then proceeded to finish me off. I laid their stunned .. he then said to me "That was to teach you a f'n lesson .. I don't want a fag for a brother-in-law! Just remember .. you tell anyone and your dead!".
I layed awake all nite trembling not knowing if he would attempt anything else. In the morning I asked him if we could talk about the events of the evening and he quickly turned around and said "what events ..?".
Neeless to say, I was confused as hell. I couldn't tell anyone, no where to turn, no one would understand this so I just kept it to myself.
For years after that, I could not sleep in the same area of another guy without staying awake all night trembling .. in my mind thinking that someone else was going to attack me like that.
I became self abusive with drugs and alcohol, sticking to myself NO FRIENDS ALLOWED I would live in my own world. You could be my friend BUT you'll never know ME .. I am not worthy of knowing, I will keep myself content and happy. The barriers were up!!
In continuing trying to figure out my life over the years .. many people accused me of being gay .. so I went over to that side of the fence for a few years .. however on that side of the fence I was constantly being told that I was too striaght. Totally messed me up .. where do I belong or do I belong anywhere .. for 40 years now I've been attempting
to find ME again, accept ME again and like myself.
Over the years I have dealt with depression a feeling of worthlessness. Recently I meant with a SA Therapist and for lack of a better term, came out about all this crap. He
had me sign up for a support group in town (on a waiting list) and directed me to the MS site.
Many more things transpired in my life .. but within these two stories I have attempted to cover the bases.
I'm proud to be here, surrounded by other men that know what I am talking about and care in my recovery as I do in theirs.