...do survivors who have not yet embarked on their healing journey have the ability to feel love for someone? like the romantic type of love?
Yes, no, maybe. Remember that 1 in 6 males and 1 in 4 females have had these negative experiences. And the the effect on the individual is dependent on a lot of factors. Like who did it, the starting age, the duration, the social conditions that they were raised in, just to name a few. Do you think that 25% of women can't experience romantic love because of abuse?
My survivor told me about the CSA about a year ago while he was extremely intoxicated. Since, he has done nothing to face it, and he thinks the best approach is to simply "forget" (I doubt that's possible).
I was involved with someone when I was about 25 years old. I told her I had been sexually abused. That was the first time I told anyone. And the last time until this year, 27 years later. A lot older and more mature now, it was an incredibly painful experience. Go read my previous post to a similar question. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6871#Post416871
But also read the original poster's question. The time frame is a bit different.
While I always knew I had been abused never knew how big of an effect it may have been. I have had other experiences that could be as important a factor. It is easy to blame everything on the CSA but if the problems are more significant then there could be even more to deal with. See http://1in6.org/men/get-information/onli...al-experiences/
So like I said I always knew I was abused but rarely did it ever get any thought. Yes it had an effect on me. But I was able to live without addressing it. That is until the last couple of years of issues had got me to look at it. And now I'm here.
What I don't really understand is that he tells me often that he is confused about me and his feelings for me, like they are always fading. He feels like his life is getting "boring" etc.
That's because you are the instant gratification generation and everything has to be fun otherwise it all gets boring.
Sorry but that's just old people talk.
But who knows. Maybe it actually does fit. I don't know.
As far as his feelings for you. Again, no idea. I don't know him, I don't know you. Could be that he is a mixed up boy. Could be you. Could be the CSA. Could be bad parenting.
Is it possible that the CSA is the reason he is confused about me? Or am I just in denial here and the truth is that he just doesn't love me?
Confussion could be related to the CSA, or not. I'm sure it didn't help though. But he is a guy. We often are confused about these things.
He may not love you. Or he may just not know if he loves you. "Normal" guys have this confussion as well.
Sometimes when he is really drunk, he tells me that I am the only thing that brings any light to his life, that I am the only person who has ever made him happy. But when sober, he makes me feel so unwanted.
I sat here and have thought about what I'm about to tell you for a while. And I don't like saying it for a number of reasons. Read this thread. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=416867#Post416867
There are a lot of others that show what a relationsip with CSA survivor could be like. But you could also have a bad relationship with someone that is not a CSA survivor. Or you can end up with a great one.
Recently, I didn't contact him for a week. Then when I saw him I asked if he preferred that week of separation and he said it was easier for him because seeing me makes him feel so upset. I don't understand this. He also took down the portraits I drew for him of us in his house because he said they are too upsetting to look at.
Did you ask him what upset him about it?
Any healthy relationship (CSA survior or not) really needs to have good communications. And trust. And many CSA survivors have a real problem with trust. And selfworth. And a bunch of other things.
Some guidance would be greatly appreciated. I am fairly young and new to all of this, but my heart feels so broken
I don't know how big a deal the CSA is for him. Likely he underestimates it. Thinks that he can deal with it. I thought so. I was wrong. But it took me 40 years after to finally figure that out.
Go read some books on CSA if you have not yet. I've read a number of them but I didn't keep a list of the ones I thought were best. One of the better ones, and often recommended is http://www.amazon.com/Victims-No-Longer-Classic-Recovering/dp/006053026X
Check your local library.
One last thing. We are older and more experienced than you, and often just as confused.