I'm sorry to say my wife and I had our own re-hash of this just last night. I told her about contacting my perp and she responded very badly - more of the notion that I should have told her instantly instead of one day later, or better yet told her first, and why the introduction of secrets into our marriage all of a sudden?
I know she is dealing with aftereffects in her own way and when she said as much in a borderline one-uppy fashion I stayed very quiet for a sec to stay calm. "And I'm dealing with the first recovered physical sensations of when a guy raped me in the mouth!!!" would have been impolitic. I don't ACTUALLY want to one-up her on the sorrow scale so I just said that we are each trying to fit this problem into our lives in our own way and it can hurt. But I did re-emphasize that she ought to see our trust as stronger than ever because I'd kept the secret for 26 years, never told my parents, never told 3 prior therapists, that I hadn't been emotionally ready to tell her when I did (when she found my pills), but that if I hadn't trusted her, if there was not real trust in our marriage, then I wouldn't have told her then either and would have made up some bullshit about stress at work, bills, new house, etc etc. And compared to 26 years, disclosing the next big step just 1 day after it happened is pretty good. I did hold firm on the "being mad at me for keeping secrets" angle - that really did hurt me and I said so as calmly as I could, but explained there is already so much sense of dirtiness and self-blame around this that being actually blamed regarding it is counterproductive.
Nobody "wins" an argument with their spouse - somebody loses - so we have to try to see eye-to-eye and move forward.
But when I asked her to hold me after, she wouldn't; I held her but she did not reciprocate.
Our house is still badly damaged by Sandy - our new heater broke last night after one week so it again was graveyard cold - baby up all night crying - and more and more repair payouts required with no sign of insurance checks yet. Which is exactly why I wasn't going to tell her now and frankly why it's so clear to me that I'd been right in thinking that way.
But life goes on. I hope.
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny