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#417212 - 11/25/12 04:20 PM Identifying with other (gay) men
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey everyone,

I am a 21 year old gay CSA survivor, and I would like to reflect on my connectivity issues with other gay/bi men.

I had volunteered and led an LGBTQ-rights group for 3 years, however, ironically all of our male volunteers were not LGBTQ-identified (which is actually great in terms of initiating social change). Living in both Canada and Germany, I've found that I do not connect or identify with most gay men like I hoped I would when I was a child going online to find male bonding.

The general superficiality of the gay male community, combined with my personal experience in lack of support from my Queer friends regarding my CSA, I tend to feel that I have been rejected or abandoned by the gays I have been in contact with. I yearn for connection with other males, and I have one real close male friend who is straight and I love him like a brother. (Right now we are keeping a long-distance relationship, so when we have contact, we don't have long, deep, emotional discussions.)

I have also never had a boyfriend before, and only 3 of my many sexual experiences have been consentual and respectful. I used to have several superficial friendships with other gays my age, but upon dealing with the impact of my CSA, I became really reclusive and cut off many of my social connections in Canada- with them included. This was because many belittled my abuse, thought it was "cool" (two actually said that), or they told me I was being too uptight about it and needed to go clubbing more.

It is funny, how many of the men who harassed be both online and in person were married, straight-identified men, and when I told one of my former gay friends about it, inquiring about affirming romantic relationships, he responded to me: "You're just good for straight men who wish to live out their gay fantasies".

I yearn real close male friends and bonding so much, and what has made my current move from Germany back to Canada has been looking my real close male friend, my roommate, my sidekick, my brother, and the lack proper communication we seem to have doing it long distance....
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417234 - 11/25/12 06:44 PM * [Re: JayBro]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:06 PM)

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#417414 - 11/27/12 05:22 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
It is great to hear from you and your input! I too was also raped several times as a young adult, and many responded to my story which such similar, immature sayings. One gay friend said to be "But I don't understand though, as a guy, you should always be able to defend yourself against other men." I often don't mention it either, and sometimes feel like I have no right to address my abuse.

It is definitely hard finding other gay male companions, nevermind a partner, and it is sometimes why I identify as a gay male, or a man who likes other men, but not at all with the gay community and "culture".
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417584 - 11/28/12 09:41 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 315
Loc: Ohio
My experience is it really takes time to connect with true, supportive people in any type of community. The most important factor I've found for improving this is to get healthier myself, then I tend to attract others around me that are healthier also.

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#417590 - 11/28/12 11:09 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
You know, that is a great point and absolutely true! smile Thank you smile Perhaps, I have not been in the proper life stage or found the right connection (plus time) to connect with such type of friends. I do have, however, four real good female friends who I have met during university, with whom I can always rely on and have connected so deeply with. We are always there for one another, and they have been truly supportive through my recovery
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#417861 - 12/01/12 11:09 AM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Has anyone else though experienced this feeling of rejection from other men? I feel that because I do not fit certain norms among gay men my age group, they arent so receptive to me (and those who know of my CSA back away from me) and many straight men see me/us at times as less of a man. Or at least in Germany I've noticed that. They are not homophobic, but still make you feel like you are more of a woman than as a man
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#418593 - 12/09/12 01:48 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi Jaybro ...
There is one thing that comes to mind here ... and that is your age.
If you are seeking support from people in your age group I think it might be wise to look at the broader picture.
It may not be your issues that are hard for them to deal with ... it may also have something to do with the fact that you may, because of your trauma, grown up.
They have not ... or more to the point ... they may not want to.
As the old song goes 'girls just want to have fun.'
Many of them may themselves had far from ideal histories, and may just want to be carefree and selfishly joyous of their new-found freedom ...
Perhaps they are not ready for 'heavy' considerations, having not yet dealt with their own.
At the age of 28 I had to leave a wife I loved dearly, move to another city, and I threw myself into a whole new life. The last thing I wanted to do initially was to deal with my own crap, much less somebody else's.
You know what the gay community is like ... especially for the kids.
Fun ... fun ... fun.
This may also lend itself to older people who are trapped in situations that they are now in because at a young age they did what was expected of them and the easiest thing to do, and are now resentful, and perhaps unkind and dismissive, and jealous of someone who escaped the conventions of society.
"Look what I got ... a mortgage, worried about getting laid off, 2 car loans, 3 kids and a wife who doesn't understand why I'm not happy. Stop whining" (and by the way here are a couple of mean shots because I hate you ... and myself)
I ran into people like that myself, but in person, who were forced to live two lives ... one a lie ..
and one a life they would not be living had they had a choice when they were your age ... also a lie.

I speak from personal experience only ...

I hope you can find the support you justly deserve ... soon.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#418608 - 12/09/12 04:44 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
Edward2 Offline


Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 17
Loc: Maryland
Shyshark,

JayBro has alot to think about. I sent the same sentiments in a PM to him last week. But different perspective. I was one who suppressed what I was feeling, continued to do what society expected, have an outwardly delightful life and cry in anguish with my T now. I try not to mourn the "should" and try to figure out if a transition to a new life is possible in one's 50s. I'm quite successful in all areas, wife is very accomplished, son is extremely successful. You would think I have it all. But as I explained to JayBro, I don't.

I very much admire what you did. You had the balls that I wish I had had....

Ed

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#418619 - 12/09/12 08:27 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Thank you Edward.

Sometimes circumstances dictate a different approach ... one that is also imposed on you ... but deliberately and without explanation.

I wish you all the best in your struggle to survive.

Shyshark
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#418620 - 12/09/12 08:32 PM Re: Identifying with other (gay) men [Re: JayBro]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
If you wish to know about how my life has gone since I became an adult you will find a brief summary of it in
'Survival Stories' ....

I have been low and desperate many times ...

just like I am now ...
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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