Hi everyone

I've been with my partner for 8 years now, he is a survivour. We've had lots of ups and downs, the real downs are always caused by him struggling with his demons and not being able to deal with them. There are only 2 other close friends that know what he has been through and he is adamant he doesn't want anyone else to know. He tried a counsellor once and she was totally not interested in helping him, we made a complaint against her but this completely destroyed what little confidence he had in counselling. I'm now at the stage where I'm not prepared to live with his outbursts where he totally loses control and is emotionally very cruel. I've told him he has 2 choices, seek help or leave. My question is, am I wrong to put pressure on him and is it a waste of time if he is doing it for the wrong reasons?

Sorry it's been a rough go and that the counselling hasn't worked out so far.
You are right to set a boundary. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly. Your husband is an adult and needs to understand this.

So no, you are not wrong to set this boundary for yourself (I prefer to see it this way instead of you putting pressure on him). And no, it is not a waste of time as it may well be the only thing that gets him there.

Just be sure to stick to your boundary.
And screen the next therapist really well so you don't have a repeat.

The only reason I'm dealing with my demons is because things got so bad I had no other choice. While things were not great before at least it was a Devil I knew.

My guess (based on my superiour understanding of your particular situation ;)) is that your partner will not address his problems unless things get bad enough and he recognises that he has no other choice. And your ultimatum could be what it takes.

I don't think it is wrong for you to put pressure on him. And I don't think that there is a wrong reason here. It's not like he doesn't believe there is a problem.

AngelX - "seeking help" need not be just a therapist. Finding a GOOD therapist is a dramatic challenge. So few Ts are "trauma specialists." I can't see how ANYONE can consider themselves a T and not be a trauma specialist....but whatever. If they don't have a lot of experience with male CSA, dial the next number, or click the next link.

I'd resign myself to the fact that it may take a while but it will take real investigative work to find a T that can competently handle Male CSA.

For his to see anyone (as in "anyone") who is not well experienced in Male CSA is not only a guaranteed step toward failure, but it will (not "can") be very destructive.

During your well-networked search, I urge you to get ahold of Mike Lew's book: "Victims No Longer." This book is for him and should be in his hands tonight. Barnes carries it.

You could use some perspective as well. Our bookstore HERE has some great ones. Some partners get inspiration just from reading the books descriptions, and obviously, the book that arrives from amazon is even better.

I would encourage you to read as much as possible here and throughout the internt until books arrive.

You've given him that ultimatum. He may not know how to seek help. I'd put more energy into helping him find the land-of-help, than establishing deadlines and directives, because each of your deadlines and directives will be missed...and then what? 8-years of your lives gone?

Thank you all for your advice. How do we go about finding a good therapist? The one he tried was a referal through the national health service. I have found a local charity that specialise in this kind of abuse and they offer free counselling. Is it just a case of arranging a meeting and see how he feels with them. Do we just keep trying different ones till one fits so to speak?

Check out this article:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/consumers-guide.html

Yeah! Every word of Ken's article on T-Shopping is dead-on!

Hi Angelx

As with all addicts the choice to heal has to be his own, if you force him to go he will not do it properly.

In AA we have a saying that you can bring the bottom up, Implying that everyone hits rock bottom, but you as a family can bring the bottom up.

The best way to do this is to start living life for yourself, do what it is that you want to do, dont live to keep him happy, start living to make yourself happy.
Do the Co Dependents no more book, get yourself into a CODA meeting and start living life for yourself, (and the Kids) If there are any.
By starting to live your life and having fun, you break the control that he has over your life and this will really unsettle his world. Once this is achieved he should start to re examine his life.

This is what worked for me, I was put under pressure to heal because my wife started living her own life and all the things I had used to control her life and my world stopped working.

Fix those things that you can ie. yourself, and the rest will follow.

Heal well
Martin

I like this. And if it doesn't work then at least you will be getting more out of life.

I had a different issue than your husband, I think, but my experience might be helpful. There's probably a part of your husband that wants to see a therapist, or at least wants the relief that a therapist can help him achieve. But it's TERRIBLY frightening to start the process of healing. I never acknowledged the abuse I suffered. Not even to myself. I was too scared. It was too terrifying. Too horrible. In fact, if someone had asked me if I had been molested as a kid, I would have said no, and I wouldn't have known I was lying. That's how thoroughly I hid the truth from myself. But as with your husband, a pain like that doesn't go away, it festers and festers. But those things that you do to protect yourself become the instruments of your own self-torture. But as hard as it is to start the therapy process, I now realize that the pain that I caused myself and my spouse was SO MUCH WORSE!

I didn't start to seek healing until after I had an affair. I wish to God that I'd never been unfaithful to my wife. It was only that point when the pain of losing my wife finally overshadowed my fear of the pain of therapy that I made the calls and got the help. Man, I sure wish I had started earlier. So I guess I feel like anything that will get him to start therapy might be the thing that gets him onto a path to improve his life, and yours.

It actually sounds like you've started to do everything right by telling him to get help or go. I think getting counseling for yourself is vital. You have every right to demand a decent life with your partner.

Good luck. You're on a tough path, but if it's any comfort to you, so are a lot of us. And I promise that it does get better.

Bob