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#417071 - 11/24/12 08:09 AM Relationship struggles.
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
So I passed 2 milestones this month. I turned 37 and its been a year since I started my healing journey. My trials and tribulations have been hard and have been made more apparent now that I am sober for the longest I've been in 20 years. My attempts to distance myself from others and myself through the use of drugs and alcohol have lead to an awful lot of burnt bridges. I chased people away because i never felt of value as a person. While my self-steem is still severly underdeveloped i do have some now. Of all the bridges I've burnt and people ive chased away my sons mother is my biggest regret. My sons birth wasn't planned but we were in love (Whatever that meant to my non-medicated, bi-polar, drug addicted psyche) and became parents. I'd never had anyone depend on me before. I had never co-habitated with a member of the opposite sex. I became ovewhelmed and lost touch with reality. I blew little spats out of proportion. Forcing her hand to escalate a simple discussion to a full on verbal brawl. I ignored her needs and desires in my attempts to hide from the world. Now a year in and sitting alone mon-fri when my son is with her, I cant help but hope that i can repair some of the damage I've done to get back to where we were. She's told me she doesnt think we will ever get back together, because past behaviour dictates future. I don't know if I want opinions, advice, a supportive hug or just a place to vent and say what i'm feeling to get it outta my head. I came here because i feel safe here and thank you all for that. You have been an integral part of my improvement.
_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#417074 - 11/24/12 09:33 AM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey TH
Happy Birthday and congrats on the year of recovery. And another well done on the not drinking, I love hearing stuff like this from survivors.
All Im going to say is I know where you are coming from on the acting out and not being able to do relationships, So Ill just offer the supportive hugs((((((((TH)))))))))

Heal well bro and never give up.
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#417075 - 11/24/12 09:36 AM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5924
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello Tree, my name is Sam.

May I sit with you during this difficult time? May I share with you in the hard, overwhelming feelings of regret, loneliness and fear? May we sit in silence, may we suffer together, that we may in time rejoice together?

There is nothing more reassuring then to know that the adage "once a survivor always a survivor" is not true. Past behavior CAN indicate present and future behavior, but not when a survivor experiences an emergency in his life and demands change from the abuse controls. We FREE ourselves. We see the unfairness and the controlling influence and we suffer through an exhaustive transition. We let go of the abuser that controls us, we evict them and we put our house in order. In this case, your house is YOU, your son and his mother it seems.

Repair the damage by being the person you want to be, not by bringing up the past in an attempt to rectify, fellow survivor. She seems to want you without the abuser, so tell her you are working on removing that part of your identity. If you have not already done so, tell her of the abuse if you think you and she are ready. I had to separate my recovery from my wife of 20 years at the time. I was projecting her position onto the painful memories from those in her position as a wife and mother. I had to pour myself into recovery, without local support, with the good men here and their powerful experiences and effort.

That's enough for now. Please know that you are doing your best, that it IS good enough. Change takes time, but in that time, efforts you make affirming you will make you resolute in the person that you find who was left behind when you were abused.

So much for silence, I can go on and on. I will get you a glass of ice water, it always supports me from going too far down then let us sit again, in silence.
_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge.” (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#417077 - 11/24/12 10:26 AM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Howdy treehugger,

Major congratulations and kudos for your work on staying sober- without a foundation of clear thinking and honestly facing my problems I could never have made progress with my CSA.

I don't know what tools and support you have had to kick your acting out with alcohol and drugs, but I know a key component of my recovery has been the idea of not only facing my mistakes but making amends to those I hurt.

Take a look at the resource of writings on steps 8 and 9 in the twelve step programs fr some good guidance on confronting your past and righting the wrongs and healing this part of your life. Acknolwedgement of the ways we hurt others AND ourselves is key to putting this behind us and building a foundation for the future.

I hear your pain and strong desire to make things better- there are tools and directions for you to rely on.

We all deserve freedom from the past.

Have a great weekend!
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#417083 - 11/24/12 11:55 AM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I am going to echo Mountainous and Sam, easily two of the most influential men in my recovery. Heal well brother. (((TH)))

Sincerely,

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#417090 - 11/24/12 01:26 PM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Thanks Gents smile
_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#417243 - 11/25/12 07:29 PM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Well no more maybe's or ifs about it. She flat out told me never again. I guess I finish out my years single and regretful. As i have no idea if I'll ever stop loving her.
_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#417247 - 11/25/12 08:21 PM Re: Relationship struggles. [Re: Treehugger75]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5924
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
My heart reaches out to you even though I know this too will eventually strengthen you in recovery.
My best to you.
_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge.” (Proverbs 17:27)"

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