Hello everyone,

First, I want to thank you all so much for your feedback when it comes to my posts. Your commentary and encouragement is invaluable. I have posted before about issues I have in regards to relations with others, but today I want post about something that carries enormous weight, and has no easy solutions. I plan on adding this to my story in due time.

From a period of 2008 right up to this past summer, I did some really horrible things. I do not wish to go into the details, but rest assured it had nothing to do with abusing children. I did these things in effort to quench a thirst for revenge and to feel some kind of a sense of power against
people who wronged me.

Now I am paying the price. Throughout my teen years I made some postings on the internet that I imagine most polite society would find alarming. I also corresponded with strange men online and shared nude photos of myself. These postings are now starting to show up in google searches of my name. The nude photos, by some miracle, have yet to surface again, although there is a great possibility that they could, what with the internet being forever and all.

I truly believe that the internet postings and photos being forever engrained on the internet are punishment for my misdeeds and now I tither on the brink as despair knowing that I have probably ruined my life at only 19. I doubt I could ever gain any type of respectable position with stuff like that floating around in cyberspace.

While it is not my intention to try to deflect responsibility, I cannot help but wonder if my CSA helped foster the lack of reason and need for control that ultimately led me to make those foolish decisions. I am not really looking for sympathy at this point. I just would like some honest perspective on how to make this situation better if at all possible.

Sincerely,
Seikei

Possible Triggers
Hello Seikei,
Well, I can totally relate to this, even as I am a lot older than you, I have done the same. My life was turned upside down last year when my brain started unleashing the memories of group csa at the age of 4. I could count the number of people that I had sex with on one hand at the age of 46. Now I can't say that. Within a 5 month period I had sex with over 50 men. I like you sent pictures to many of them and the webcam made it all to easy. It started with one and then it advanced to couples, threesomes and groups. It went from gaining power to evolving back into abusive acts where I would be tortured. I guess it is our way of trying to cope. Whatever it is, it's awful at the time. I now worry about running into these men in my daily life and have received emails at work and one man came to my work. I had a constant fear of this very thing happening.

Not only are the childhood memories hard but I have horrible nightmares of this recent stuff now. I can only tell you that we cannot change our past. No matter how hard we try. We just have to face the fear. These people can only hurt us if we let them. My psychologist gave me some great advice. She said that these men were not looking for a relationship and that they only wanted one thing and they got it. She said they would not come up to me in public and she was sorta right on that. Only one man did and I did not acknowledge him and he has not shown up again. Unlike some I have been very public about my CSA and unfortunately this is part of the process and damage.

I know you are just 19 but you are an incredibly strong man for even posting this to get support. I am so proud of you. It does get better and we get stronger. I and our other brothers are here for you. If I can help further just let me know. I'm not scared of any questions.
Stay strong my friend,
Randy

"I truly believe that the internet postings and photos being forever engrained on the internet are punishment for my misdeeds and now I tither on the brink as despair knowing that I have probably ruined my life at only 19. I doubt I could ever gain any type of respectable position with stuff like that floating around in cyberspace."

Although I am not sure what your "misdeeds" were I can tell you any nude photos taken/solicited/accepted from you as child by those men was not your fault and you are not being punished. Furthermore, the stigmatization of sexual assault/abuse victims may still exist in many places but awareness is beginning to beat it down. If someone were to confront you about pictures they found/heard about you can either explain your status as a survivor who was further victimized with media technology OR if they are of you below 18 you can ask them how the hell the got a hold of child pornography and report him/her. In all likelihood I don't think it will become a problem for you but if the issue is raised up you have nothing to be ashamed of and you can feel prepared to deal with it knowing so.

"While it is not my intention to try to deflect responsibility, I cannot help but wonder if my CSA helped foster the lack of reason and need for control that ultimately led me to make those foolish decisions. I am not really looking for sympathy at this point. I just would like some honest perspective on how to make this situation better if at all possible."

While it is important to accept your past as a part of who you are I do not believe you would be "deflecting responsibility" by recognizing your sexual abuse as a primary catalyst for these poor life decisions. The fact that you recognize your previous "acting out" as self-destructive and counter-productive to your recovery is the first and most important step. From here on out this awareness will aid you in your healing as it will help you avoid committing those misdeeds again, find out what you need to recover, and empower you to pursue your interests as you rediscover the person you truly are as opposed to the phantom self-image imposed upon you by the abuse.

Thanks for your responses. I appreciate your input as I try to work through this. I do understand that my abuse helped shape some of my decisions. I think what causes more anxiety for me is the sense that even with explanation, the world has become so cold and cynical in my lifetime that I will never be allowed to live down my past mistakes. I suppose I'll just have to work through it.

Seikei

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain too - you are not alone in this. I am 35, married with two kids and a church leader. Needless to say that CSA affected my self esteem so much that I despritely felt the need for approval...to feel desired by other men. A few years ago in a very dark time and when I didn't realise these feeling were related to my CSA I did some ammetaur gay porn (solo) and had a profile on a gay site.

I have had guys recognise me (in another town - I didn't know them) and one time I was at the shops with my wife and came face to face with a man I had had sex with a couple of weeks before. How could I be so irresponsible???? I still wait in fear that someone I know will see me on the internet and my dirty secret will be out for all to see.

I understand how this is a real fear for you (and me). The thing I think you have on your side is that you were/are young. Laugh it off as the spontaneity of youth. Like the others said anybody looking at child porn (under 18) has some explaining to do and in reality will be too ashamed themselves to say anything. This is what I think about the gay porn I did - I don't know any gay people so if anyone I know sees it - then they will probably be too ashamed to say anything.

As far as respectability goes I think the truth is the best policy here. If it does come up I think it is ok to 'blame' the CSA for why you acted this way. People will respect you for being honest. Explain that it was a bad part of your life but it is behind you now.

I would probably stay out of politics though. Lol. The past of those guys really get a hammering

It took a lot of courage for you to post this (me too) and I think the positive in this situation is that you can recognise that doing this stuff was not healthy and are taking steps to avoid it in the future.