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#417050 - 11/23/12 10:19 PM I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)??
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417058 - 11/24/12 01:51 AM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
You did what you thought at the time was best for separating you from your abuser and the abuse itself. Most of us have something we regret doing in the past as a result of our abuse but I am sure the fact that you have to look at your penis every day might server as an unwelcome reminder of your loss. There is plenty of argumentation going around concerning circumcision in general but concerning your own experience I want you to remember you were trying to excise your abuse/abuser from your mind. Your decision to get a circumcision in no way makes you complicit in the decision of your abuser to hurt you. You were merely, understandably, trying to escape the abuse from what I have heard.
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"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#417070 - 11/24/12 07:45 AM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417120 - 11/24/12 08:45 PM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
KMCINVA Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1568
Suwanee

Do not be hard on yourself. You did what you thought would help you at the time. I understand your feelings of control by the abuser--sexual abuse is not only physical but psychological as well as emotional. We need to heal so many different aspects of ourselves. I am sorry you gave up something that was a part of you. You learned it was not this part that was hurting, but rather the heart and mind. It can take a lifetime to free ourselves from the perps. But you are on the way--keep going and life will look up and you will begin to see yourself for who you truly are.

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#417230 - 11/25/12 06:36 PM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
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Cruel Summer
My Journal

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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417235 - 11/25/12 06:47 PM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
I can relate.... this may be a bit too much information but my genitalia is exceedingly scarred and I'm nervous and aprehensive about well lit nude encouters. I for years have hated my appearance to such a degree that I pick at any blemish on my person in hopes that one day i could finally "fix" me and like myself. I have dug holes in my face down to the bone of my jaw and my "member" was never spared my incessant personal scarring technique. I've found its a fairly rare form of self harm as only one other person I have met actually does what others call cutting with their bare hands. And to be honest other than my face which everyone can see its where most of my picking took place. Everytime I use the bathroom my actions stare me in the face. So while the instrument of manipulation may have been different, I can fully understand a lack of comfort and pride in actions we took in the past that leave a lasting mark on our persons. That being said I'm hopeful one day to be able to share what I just shared here ( I've only ever shown my GP my penis in ample light ) with a partner who can look past it. I cant wait to have a sexual encounter with the lights on.
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I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#417237 - 11/25/12 06:54 PM * [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:06 PM)

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#417242 - 11/25/12 07:28 PM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
First, i want to apologize that the trauma about your abuse made you go to such extreme lengths. That being said, I think that there is hope to make yourself whole again. I vaugey remember procedures to reattach foreskin that might be avaiable. I could be wrong though. I don't have the capability to research it right now, but if it does exsist it kight be an option to help you in your healing.

Seikei

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#417244 - 11/25/12 07:33 PM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
I did ome digging for ya smile Heres a link
http://www.cirp.org/pages/restore.html
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I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#417261 - 11/25/12 11:43 PM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
Thanks treehugger! :-)

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#417283 - 11/26/12 09:39 AM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: seikei]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Don't be ashamed of your decision - as others said it was an obvious escape mechanism.

Any reconstructive options should be discussed only with legit urologists and plastic surgeons. Do not trust ANY website on any side of the circ issue.

I could certainly envision a "new" foreskin looking right and feeling mostly right, but keep expectations realistic. You can't create and transplant a working mucus membrane, the old glands, etc.
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#417356 - 11/27/12 07:28 AM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
I have seen the info out there on restoration and am leery of what that entails. One thing I came to learn was circumsicion--whether at birth or as an older kid or adult generates a lot of emotion on all sides of the issue.


There are non-surgical methods to gradually stretch the remaining foreskin---but that doesn't seem to be an option for me since I have absolutely no foreskin to stretch. Until looking this stuff up, I had no idea there were different "styles" of circumcision. The doctor never asked me how much to take or leave. It was an all or nothing proposition...because he took it all.

The surgical methods are iffy and described to be quite expensive and painful. Certain urologists specialize in male reconstructive procedures and have quite a bit of experience treating combat and workplace injuries (!).

Just talking about it has helped...once I get something out in the open, I tend to feel better. I'm a little more circumspect about circumcision. First, everything works just fine down there...it is a psychological thing, really. Second, being circumcised in this country is hardly unusual. Finally, it's perhaps a little like a tattoo from one's younger days---would you do it today---probably not---but you keep it as a reminder of the good and bad of your youth.

Thanks for all of the input.

Will
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My Journal

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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417386 - 11/27/12 11:38 AM Re: I regret what I did ( self-punishment by proxy)?? [Re: Suwanee]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
It would be nice if healing could be accomplished just by cutting off some body part, but if that were the case I'd be willing to cut off my penis if it got me over this CSA crap.

I was circumcised at birth and didn't even know it till middle school when they made us take gang showers and I saw what the others looked like. You don't miss what you never had.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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