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#416827 - 11/21/12 11:52 AM Strong sense of self
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if this is a survivor issue.
Lately, I have been feeling flaky. I don't mean lazy(or may be I'm just in denial). I just feel like I don't have a base where I can be strong, emotionally. How do I get my footing? I realize this is actually a constant issue in my life.

It just feels like I'm just reacting to everything around me, instead of making active choices. So, on most days, I end up just taking the easy way through things. I want to be able to say, 'this is who I am; and it doesn't matter if it is tough, I will stay true to myself and I'll make the choice I want.' It seems simple enough, but I can't seem to do that. Instead, I have got this image of myself(rightfully so) as the guy who always takes the path of least resistance.

My intelligence is average. I'm not an overachiever like some of us survivors tend to be, which is why it boggles my mind when I thing about how quickly I lose interest in things (jobs/career, hobbies etc). So, it's not like I can say to myself, "I know all there is to know about such and such, I'm bored and I need to move on to something else." It's more like, "Things are getting complicated, how badly do I want to continue doing this?" Almost always, I drop them because I don't have any interest anymore.

I feel so powerless, which I attribute to my addictions (smoking especially). Feeling as I do, it feels impossible to kick them. I keep telling myself that I'll get into shape and kick off my addictions once I heal from my injury, which of course isn't making me feel any stronger on the inside.
A couple of months ago, I had an accident at work. Everyone kept saying how terrible an injury it is and how I could lose my finger. And, I just didn't care either way. It just made no difference to me whether I was going to lose my finger or not.

In the past, I believed in things(religion, morals etc.), but only for really short durations. Now, everything seems relative.

I'm a morpher, in the sense that I'm a different person with different people. I pretend to agree with the other person(I actually really hate that about me) and I just change myself in the moment so that who ever I am speaking to likes me and we get along without conflict.

Can anyone relate? How can I develop that strong inner-self? How can I figure out who I am when everything seems fleeting?

Thanks,
_________________________
theIrregular

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#416830 - 11/21/12 12:00 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: theIrregular]
Bean1971 Offline


Registered: 11/18/12
Posts: 20
Loc: UK
Hi. Relate? I could have written this. See myself in every word...except the finger accident smile

I'm afraid I can't give advice though. I am in a spin about it myself but just wanted to let you know that someone else out there understands.

Stay strong smile
_________________________
"This is the story of how we begin to remember."

"...just below my skin I'm screaming..."


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#416835 - 11/21/12 02:25 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: theIrregular]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
I understand exactly where you are coming from. You sound exactly like me. I have found that I get a stronger sense of myself when I am around my friends who know my CSA story and allow me to be myself. I get positive reinforcement and I don't have to put on a mask. They have learned through our relationships and while walking me through my journey most of my idiosyncracies and know if I am being true to myself and to them. AND THEY CALL ME ON IT if I am not. Keeps me in check.
Then I try to avoid the people who give me negative reinforcement and force me to put on another mask just to please them. Unfortunately my wife happens to be one of those people. frown But I can't avoid her. Difficult situation. And I hate it and feel powerless.

What I am saying is to surround yourself with the positive reinforcement of friends to boost yourself up and believe it or not, you boost them up in turn. This is just from my experience.
_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#416838 - 11/21/12 03:14 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: theIrregular]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: theIrregular

I'm a morpher, in the sense that I'm a different person with different people. I pretend to agree with the other person(I actually really hate that about me) and I just change myself in the moment so that who ever I am speaking to likes me and we get along without conflict.

Can anyone relate? How can I develop that strong inner-self? How can I figure out who I am when everything seems fleeting?


Hey irregular

I can relate to the other stuff you said as well. But when I read this I was just like YES - That is me. I call myself (so does my wife) a cameleon. I change myself so much. If I am around someone a lot I even start to dress and talk like them. With one of my friends I even changed my hairstyle/goatee to the same as his. We were the same height, colouring and body type and people couldn't tell us apart - I cloned him. Looking back it is a bit creepy. Lol. I guess on some level I wanted to be him (he was a very confident carefree kind of guy - with a strong sense of who HE was). That is a really extreme example. Most of the time I just go with the flo, pretend to like what they like and agree with people to try to fit in. I feel very weak willed. But it has gotten to the point that I have no idea who I am. I have no idea of 'self'.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#417033 - 11/23/12 06:47 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: Bean1971]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Bean1971 ---- It really helps to know that someone else understands. I hope I can get out of this spiral and wish the same for you, dear friend.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#417034 - 11/23/12 06:48 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: monkey]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Monkey(Mark) ---- Seems like we are always going to have people in our lives to whom we have to appear as someone other than ourselves. May be it's unreasonable of me to expect otherwise. I recently met someone who had been abused and who understood what I was going through. But within a week, I broke off the friendship because I was scared of letting her in. It's like I got used to putting on faces for so long that I was really uncomfortable with getting close.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#417035 - 11/23/12 06:51 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: Farmer Boy]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Farmer Boy(Lee) ---- I know what you mean by cloning yourself after someone you want to be like. Logic dictates you would be in the right. If you want the same results as someone else, the best way to do that is by taking the same steps they took. Unfortunaltely, when it comes to humans, there are too many unseen factors. Usually when I see someone I wish I could be, the first reaction I feel is envy. Eventually, envy turns into resentment. On another note, no matter how hard I try to think of myself as being independent, I keep trying to fit in. It would be great for once to stop playing for the crowds.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#417036 - 11/23/12 06:53 PM Re: Strong sense of self [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Thanks for the kind words, Bean1971, Monkey(Mark), Farmer Boy(Lee)!

Just the other day, I was walking alongside someone at work. He started bragging about an adult video he made with his girlfriend(without her knowledge of course). He went on to say that he was going to put it on the net if she 'gives him sh*t'. I was totally totally disgusted by his attitude, but instead of telling him how I felt or just ignoring him, Ijust played along and laughed with him. This person was someone I met only once before and I can honestly say I don't care what he thinks of me. But, I still put the mask on and just told him what he wanted to hear - cheers for his 'conquest'. Why do we have such a hard time asserting ourselves?

I can't help but think that may be this is what I did with my abuser - just put the mask and gave him what he wanted. Doesn't that mean I am partly responsible for what I went through? I am trying to be kind to myself as I try to resolve the abuse issues. But how am I supposed to do that when there are parts of me that I can't stand. How does someone like themselves when there are parts that they dislike with a passion?
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theIrregular

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