I went golfing yesterday with two guys I barely know. The one guy I have seen around at work and his friend. Of course they are good golfers, and I have not picked up the clubs except to move them around in 5 or 6 years.

So off we go.

The last time I played golf was before recovery, so when I "duffed" off the tee and "topped" in the rough at almost every hole, I became very angry at myself, very embarrassed and felt I was taking up too much time. Previous to recovery I made many unrealistic demands of myself and had not taken the time to play golf since, this was a triggering episode for me. I played terrible, like 60 strokes higher than par. I made light of it, thanked the guys who asked me to come, but I am struggling with feelings like those guys just sat behind me and laughed at me. They did not, it just felt that way. They did not say much, so I was left with my own destructive thoughts.

I want to feel like it was a learning experience, but I really would like to be good at golf. I struggle with it and with others watching me work or play, as I feel I am being negatively evaluated.

I have tossed and turned about this all night, feeling upset or feeling like I was treated unfairly(by whom?), but it just boils down to something I would like to be good at that I am not and how I take that reality. I am a positive person, not judged by others. Easy to say, harder to get to, but I will keep on striking till I do... FORE!!!

Sam

I have to add a PS. Recently I was asked to play a game of pool(billiards, 8 ball). Me and a couple other guys played on this rickety old table several games of pool. I was surprised at how well I did, I was never good at this game. In fact I won every game except for a couple. I felt like maybe recovery had given me a calm, thoughtful perspective where I was much better than I was before! I thought this was how I was going to perfom at golf as well, but no. It has of course given me a sense of calm, but the difference between having a stellar pool game and this terrible golf outing was really overwhelming for me.

Hey Sam,
must admit that your post made me laughing, mainly because of familiar feelings of incompetency in things that I like when "someone" is watching my execution
Please don't be hard on yourself. Have you forgot on your sensitive difference ?
That is the partly answer why is sometimes so hard for me to be calm and peaceful while doing something in company of others (and felt like evaluated). Sometimes sensitive person is too much aware of others feelings, stares and thoughts including many different things from surrounding environment. We have problems to shut different sensory stimuli from the outside.

I admire your resolution to be better in golf, wow, is that Sam that likes to take a bear and sit for hours in front of TV or PC (just kidding )?
Just keep it up, after some first bad impressions and self loathing feelings, everything will settle and you'll feel that learning experience, I'm sure in that !
Sometime I need just to be feeling being in known environment (and among known people) to be relaxed and enjoying what ever I do. Your try was victory no matter on bitter taste, you went out and you tried it, wow, that is a lot for first time, next time will be much easier!

I had forgotten Igor, thank you for the reminder. Being sensitive is such a burden. I am overwhelmed about something and then I feel the "weight" of the eyes. While I no longer panic beyond reason, i do still allow it to interrupt fine motor skills.

Sigh, more work needed. you are right, challenging myself letting me feel the weight of the situation, bending but not breaking, these are the recovery steps I need to balance and comfort me.

Right on again Igor, thanks!

Golf is such a Zen game: it mirrors life in many respects. (That's why lots of business guys like golf outings: they can measure another man by how he handles good and bad shots and how he conducts himself: for me, the qualities of being (or not) attentive, rule-player, courteous, sympathetic, optimistic come to mind.

it's not possible to be perfect all the time, and there are skills some of us suck at in life-especially when we have been away from practicing them for awhile.

So did you have fun?

I did enjoy myself, thanks Jamie. I even went out and practiced my chipping and wedging. You know, I forget to write down the good stuff and then revisit it. Thanks, I will pen this in and make sure I repeat it.., after some practice.