Quite a number of years ago I read a self help book and the primary thing I got out of it, and all that I remember from it, was this.

1) I'm OK - Your OK
2) I'm not OK - Your OK
3) I'm OK - Your not OK
4) I'm not OK - Your not OK

I don't remember if 2 or 3 were in that order or if it matters. All I remember is that 1 is good. 2 and 3 are bad. And 4 is really bad.

I identified myself in 4 even though I had no "Your" for the above test. But a couple of previous short relationships probably counted as 4s.

This is how I saw things. If I found anyone good enough for me they would never want someone like me because I wasn't good enough for them. Because I could never have anyone good enough then anyone I ended up with would put us in situation 4. And to me that was unacceptable. So for me there just wasn't any point to even try.

I couldn't even consider getting myself into an "I'm OK" state. It just was not possible. I don't know how you can get anyone out of "I'm not OK". I guess that is what therapy is for?

I am greatly relieved to know you are safe. I have suffered depression and know how deep we can fall. I remember one night in particular when I was so low I seemed to have lost perspective on how to help myself. Everything seemed lost and pointless. Life had lost all colour. With two young children of my own, it was an especially frightening place to be in. I was seeing myself reflected in the emotion of your post... Not in The words themselves, or even their meaning, but in the emotion. It frightened me to know there was a person out there who was laying this bare and crying out for help. I am glad this was more of an expression and working through your pain rather than a literal intention.

Be well. You are loved.

I don't know what to feel anymore.
I feel completely broken.
My heart, my soul...
It feels like they have been ripped from my body -
from my existence.
The betrayal
The abandonment
The lies
The hiding
I don't know what to believe.
I don't really believe in anything.
As for the future...
What future?
I don't see anything in my future
Except pain, loneliness, tears and...
Memories.
Such painful, beautiful memories.
Can I even believe the memory of what we had?
Probably not.
Everything is shattered.
Ruined.

I don't know why.

Hey out

You deserve happiness.

And happiness does not depend on your H.

He may bring you grief, pain, and frustration.

But there ARE ways to get your needs met that don't rely on his recovery.

And ther are lots of books and support out there to help you get thru this and have a better life. My favorite is Al-anon - as it helps people to live with family members who are suffering, unlovable,, destructive, and often beyond our help. There are guidelines and principles and boundaries you can adopt to start making your life better.

But first you have to accept that you can not change someone else. Your love and support cannot make someone recover.

Your truth and your groundedness can help- and I hope you can reach out and learn to find those for yourself.

Take care

It breaks my heart to read this. I was exactly where you are not so long ago. Believe me when I say it does get better.

My username...

Many people might take it to mean that I am "out of love" - That I have no more love to give; That I am done...

When in reality it means that everything I do is "out of love" - because I love him more than anything.

I am not so sure about Al-Anon...

I am an incredibly private person. I do not open up to many people and the thought of going out in public and speaking about my problems and my issues...that is terrifying.

I just do not want to give up on my spouse. Although, he has apparently given up on me. Why do I care so much?

Stepping back and giving him space do not mean that you have given up on him.

Think of an airplane...you must put on the oxygen mask before giving it to your dependents. Help yourself first and you'll be more able to help your husband when he reaches out.

Take another crack at co-dependent no more.