i was wondering why I am so panicked by today’s meeting with the school superintendent. It has no obvious relationship with CSA issues. But I figured it out.

It is the same as the feeling I got from the step-father – the first abuser. The rising nausea, the gurgling, loosening bowels, the clenched cramping gut, the sinking heart, the dread and fear and helpless sensations – all are being re-lived. I have never done well with authority figures. I fold up, turn inward, shrink, disappear. And he is coming for a meeting today. Inside sources tells me he will be chastising the entire staff and presenting ultimatums. Scary.

He looks and acts nothing like the step-father. But there are other similarities – his inability to see anything from another’s perspective, his cutting tongue, his insistence upon his absolute power, his arrogance, his ability to ruin one’s future.

I have said this before – all my abuse was part of the same “thing” – I cannot separate the verbal or emotional abuse from the physical or sexual abuse. They were all esteem-destroying, identity–mangling, and soul-wounding. So – yeah – it does have a lot to do with CSA.

lee

I did it. I faced the fear and walked through it.

the meeting was infuriating. The “super” made vague sweeping accusations about how we weren’t working up to expectations and needed to fall in line and knuckle down and on and on – for about 45 minutes – ended with an order that we all have unity and trust him. Then he opened it for questions/comments…
(crickets)

no one was saying anything for about 2 minutes. I felt like I had a lot to lose if I tried to speak and then lost it. but I realized afterwards that I also had a lot to gain if I could do it. finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I took the plunge and broke the ice. I called him on his lack of meaningful communication and lack of constructive involvement and his pattern of power plays and setting us up in an adversarial relationship. When I finished I was shaking like crazy. After that others spoke too. Safety in numbers, I guess. Who knows if anything will change – but at least those of us who stood up know where the support is.

When I got my heartbeat back to normal, I felt better than I have in days. It was almost like a taste of what it would have been like if I could have called the step-father out. I am steadier and energized and have more self-esteem. On the way to school this morning I picked up a smooth stone to keep on my desk to remind me of this. (See my avatar for an explanation! LOL)

LEE!

I LOVE IT!...Lee the giant slayer!

Awesome work! I think you might have gained the respect of some of your colleagues in the process.

Well done sir. Way to make it through the meeting and then some!

Is it true that some people are just born mean? I hope not, but this guy sounds like he was.

Glad you have some supportive co-workers! You stood up to an abusive bully, yay! My gut instinct says something good will come of it.

Lee

I'm glad you were victorious. The great battle of course was with your inner self. You may have had a panic attack.

Puffer

Holy sh*t Lee. You, sir - guess I can say it here - have a pair of brass ones. Well done. Especially for Little Lee.

thanks, guys. remains to be seen if i still have a job next week...
Lee

Wow, that was pretty incredible! Well done for overcoming your fear and standing up for yourself!

Hey Lee, wow, you did great thing, you break the ice and said what you think, you have my hat off.
Your victory is our too!!!
Don'be scared of loosing job, it is impossible to find such good teacher and all they in school are aware of that !

Pero