Hello,
I am new to this site and hope to gain support from others who can possibly relate to the feelings I have. I am also hopeful that I may be able to offer encouragement and comfort to others.
Somewhere between the age of 8-9 years old, my older female cousin started molesting me. This went on for a few years and made my childhood from that point on very difficult and confusing. As a teen, my father used to frequently wake me in the mornings with an erection, shaking it in my face and giggling. In addition, my father used to talk to me about his various methods of masturbation, would encourage me to have sex with or as close to a sexual relationship as possible with my race track girl friends, often wanting to smell my fingers and get details after the fact. At the age of 5, my fathers friend kissed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I managed to push myself away from him but wonder to this day if my father allowed it because when I told him, he thought it was funny, and still allowed this man to come to our home. There are so many situations my father put me in, situations that exposed me to bad people, where sexual misconduct seemed to be the norm.
Years later, I found out that my father had in fact raped the cousin who molested me. I managed to cope for many years because it turned out that I had a talent. My father was not around much when I was a kid because he was involved with go-kart racing. When I was 9 years old, I took an interest, and was very successful, always having outside financial support to keep me in the sport. Eventually, I won many championships including the national championship in Daytona Florida. My success in this sport eventually led to auto racing and was the only thing that made me feel good about myself. In a strange way, once I was suited up, or in a car, I felt as though I was able to hide from everything else. When I would win, it was thrilling and I felt loved by my father, when I didn't win, it was devastating to me because all of the shame I felt because of my family life would rush back on me and I would realize who I was, which I felt in reality, was nothing. As an adult, I decided not to pursue racing but to focus on being a good husband to my wife. After my wife and I had our first child, I went to my fathers house to talk with him and let him know there would be very strict boundaries and he would never be alone with my child. Eventually, we had another daughter and a son. Today, I have no relationship with my father because I finally spoke out about what he did not only to my cousin whom he raped, but also what he has done to me. My father threatened to kill me if I ever mentioned this to anyone again which led to my having a restraining order brought against him. My actions in speaking out have resulted in my dad's siblings, my aunt's and uncle's having nothing to do with me or my kids. One of my aunt's was like a mother to me and this hurt me very badly. In addition, my wife an I have been slandered and made out to be vindictive and unforgiving. Last winter, I started acting very suspicious of my wife, having no basis for it. I started to become irritable, restless, and ultimately extremely sad. Finally, it was unbearable and I found a great therapist who informed me that I was suffering from PTSD and Depression. I have decided to stay no contact from my dad and his family, finally seeing how toxic they are. My father has hurt so many people. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by this man all my life. In my estimation, he shows all the signs of being a Sociopath. It is a struggle for me not to hate this man. I am tired of feeling victimized by him and keeping this to myself, so I have decided to speak out here. I am sure that my story pales in comparison to many so I don't mean to go on about it. I am hoping to gain insight from others as well as encouragement from this group.
Sincerely,
NoMoreVic

Yes there are others here that have had worse. But in no way is what you went through minor. What happen to you is inexcusable.

I'm glad that you have a good therapist to help you. I hope that your participation here will also help.

Thank you for posting your story.

Thanks for your courage in posting your story, which is a terrifying ordeal. Don't underestimate either the level of trauma you experienced, or your courage. I especially applaud everything you have done to protect your kids. God bless you for being so clear and strong on their behalf.

I hope you find a sense of community both online and with any other opportunity you might have to gather with other survivors. There is real strength in knowing we are not alone, either in our PTSD or on the path of recovery.

Welcome!

Jim

Thanks for telling your story

Derrik here in Asheville

Hang in there

NoMoreVic,

You are simply a hero, and one to look up to! You have taken the right steps every step of the way! God bless you!

My only advice to you is never ever to underestimate what you went through! The trauma children experience as a result of unwanted sexual experience is very difficult to gauge viz-a-viz the perceived degree or nature of the experience even though it is generally agreed that contact sexual abuse is always more damaging than non-contact abuse. So do not think anyone on here will think what you went through pales into insignificance in the total scale or the various types of sexual abuse some vile adults subject children to. CSA trauma is trauma. Remember, he (your father) and your cousin should have known better. You were only a child.

I am very proud of you! And I know what it is like not to have a family. I finally discarded mine some months ago, when after 38 years, I realised that there was just no one way these people will ever be humane towards me or my children. You are better off without their poison, my darling.

Rock on, be the best husband and father you can ever be. Your wife and children are your family! And of course you have us all here - your brothers and sisters!

Hi NoMoreVic,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

It is good that you have set very strict boundaries with your father. You know all too well the harm he causes and that he only cares about his needs and not the effects he has on others. I am sorry that you lost members of your extended family to whom you were very close. Sadly, they are not able to admit to themselves that you are telling the truth. However despicable, it is easier for them to make you out to be the bad guy than to admit the horrendous things your father has done.

Please do not do yourself the disservice of comparing your story to someone else's. The details may differ from story to story, but it is all bad. NO ONE should ever have experienced these abuses.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

No one story "pales" in comparision to anyone else's .. we have ALL been victims and our stories relate .. that's why you get the understanding from people here .. other people who have not been victimized cannot really understand (especially as men) how difficult these memories are to heal or erase.

Welcome to MS

NoMoreVic,

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here but glad you found us. It took courage to share your story. Keep pressing on for healing. You will find it.

Jude

Thank you so much to all of you!
I think just hearing that I am not the one in the wrong and have every right to protect myself and my children makes me feel a lot stronger. Thank you to all who took the time to respond!!
Sincerely,

Hi, my fraternal brother, nomorevic.

Welcome to MS. here you will receive compassion, understanding & hope, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

You already are on board that emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

We have a lot to offer here in MS. Sunday evenings we have a moderated & in a safe room healing circle. Starts at 9pm Eastern. Also one on Wednesday evenings, same place & time. Just be here in chat about 10 minutes and wait for the moderator to ask anyone here for the HC. That is your invitation to attend. You can just sit back & see what's going on or you can actively participate, whenever you feel comfortable.

I am also a victim of incest, from my "mom." In a way i am fortunate as all my abusers are dead. I am 73 years old & have been in recovery for a shade over 4 years.

There are numerous guide books out there, you already have a therapist.

Plus you have your brothers here to help you & each other along on this trek to becoming a survivor.

So, my fraternal brother, nomorevic, wishing you well in healing, you are on your way here.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.