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#41675 - 07/24/02 09:25 PM Rambling *possible trigger*
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
I've had intense visits down memory lane. Bizarrely enough, before I even remembered the abuse, I would smell what I thought was whisky on the breath of someone who was leaning over me as I lay on my stomach. I'd have it standing up, walking down a sunny street and the world I was walking in would be less real than that impression. At least for a while.
Then I remembered what happened to me. No specific memories, just the knowledge - like when you go 'oh yeah' when someone's name has been on the tip of your tongue.
And then later, came the full memories. Where the world just goes away for a while and you're there and its happening again and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. And then the world comes back and you feel like puking because something foul just ripped your damn guts out.
But life goes on, one step at a time. And more than that: before I remembered two weeks of hell at the hands of two strangers, I had no childhood. I could count on one hand the number of things I could remember up until about age 15. And even after that, things were getting hazy - like there was a fog emanating from somewhere back in the past, creeping toward the present and obscuring everything along the way.
And thats the thing. For every memory of horror, there are five more about other things - a number of them good things.
To me, its like a dragons lair. Every day I walk up to the cave with a sign over it reading 'here lives some evil shit'. And I go in. Because I want what that dragon is guarding. I want what it took from me. My childhood, my life, my emotions, my thoughts.
My humanity.


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#41676 - 07/25/02 04:02 PM Re: Rambling *possible trigger*
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Spider Man,

I look back now and see one of the big turning points for me in recovery was the day i looked at my therapist and said, excuse me but i want my life back!

Its a good place to move forward from, i wish you well on your journey.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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