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#416601 - 11/19/12 12:12 AM Just found out. What do I do now?
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and yesterday he told me (very little) about his story. I feel especially bad for a couple reasons.

One: He only told me about it because I found something embarrassing as I was betraying him by reading his email .

Two: I'm the only person he's ever told and I'm pretty sure he never would have told me had the aforementioned never happened.

Now he tells me that he doesn't know how to act around me because he's embarrassed and ashamed. I don't know if he feels this way because of what I discovered in his email or because of what happened to him. Most likely both. I know that he's not ready to talk to me about it and he is going to schedule an appointment with a professional but I'm lost as to what I can do for him and myself. I feel betrayed because of what I found, sad,of course, and completely overwhelmed, among other things.

I guess I also don't know how to act around him. Do I pretend everything is ok? I've already told him that I'm here if he needs to talk and that I won't bring it up, but it feels like an elephant in the room (I think that's the right phrase). I sent him a link to this website in the hope of helping him find a way to cope, but I've found in reading some of the posts that I need help too.

Can anyone shed some light on my role? I've read a few things but I feel like I need more.

Thanks.

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#416616 - 11/19/12 04:14 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI wrldtrvlr

Im sorry that you had to find this out, life is going to be a little different for you both from now on.
The first thing that you need to understand is that this is not something that you can fix. Only your boyfriend can fix this for himself, so he will need to WANT to heal himself. This may sound a little harsh, but you must understand that some men are so embarrassed about their CSA past that they dont want to deal with it.
So you need to do only three things.
1) Make sure that you are not a Co-Dependent, and that you look after your self first and foremost.
2) Learn as much as you can about this and try to educate, in love, this man that you care for. Hopefully what you learn will open his eyes and help him to heal.
3) Encourage him to join this site and talk about his past. Oh And NEVER take it personally, I know sounds crazy because it is your boyfriend and you love him, but all the survivors here can tell you that recovery can be a really ugly process.

Don't ever let your standards and values slip because he wants you too. You are your own person, so take care of yourself.

Heal well
Martin

Oh And feel free to PM Me anytime.
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#416639 - 11/19/12 12:24 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
hi,

its good that you found the mail, because now your relation can change from a relation behind a mask to an honest one.
make sure he can trust you enough (thats one very big problem with sexually abused survivors)to always be able to tell you the truth. leaving the elephant unsaid in the room wont help anyone.
you dont say what you have found, but if you have found something illegal such as child porn, you need to consider that you might make yourself criminal if you dont report it. if you just found a few perverted mails, you need to make him understand that you love him, because its something he has learned so very early and he has never had a real chance to develop normally. in the end it comes all down to one thing:
a survivor will keep his mask on until he is basically forced to put it down. my husband had to lose me first before he could come up with his own truth of everything he had gone through and everything he had done sofar. there wont be an easy time for you in the future, but if he is worth you, then help him, support him...thats what he never had from the time of abuse or before. he is a human and deserves that then. be strong, you will need it.

good luck, take care,
ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#416640 - 11/19/12 01:40 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Thank you ela.

I did not find anything illegal. I do have another question. I've read that children who were abused don't necessarily go on to abuse and that comforted me because I have two daughters (7 and 16). Again, there was nothing illegal in his email and he shows no signs of being an abuser, but how do I know it won't manifest at some point in the future? We don't live together and he's never been left alone with my girls. He actually is very good with them and is overly aware of social norms, etc. But I know that he wants children of his own at some point and I'm wondering if I'm being too cautious by worrying about this or is it a legitimate concern? If we're going to move forward with our relationship and if I'm even going to consider having more children, I feel this is now a consideration.

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#416642 - 11/19/12 03:01 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
i really wish you the best


Edited by confusion4life (11/19/12 03:06 PM)
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#416643 - 11/19/12 03:05 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
you are right, that is now a consideration. and yes, not all abused boys or girls go into abuse. i have done nothing but study facts about abused boys becoming abusers in the last few month and unfortunately the circle of abuse simply exists. that does not mean that everyone does it, but many do. there are of course also people who just say they have been abused, once caught and put in jail after an abuse.
its good that you didnt find anything illegal. that is comforting, yes. you seem to be a mom who is very well aware of these things anway and that makes you into a good mom smile

there is this list which could help regarding this topic. due to my personal experience, the list is very accurate, again, unfortunately.

http://kerryperesta.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-know-if-you-are-dating-a-pedophile

there is also this book from anna salter, pedophiles, predators...you can find it on amazon. she explains also what to look out for.

having a child with a survivor is not only hard when the person is someone who feels attracted to kids. its more about, how much development did the survivor have, before he actually becomes a real father. the problem is, that abuse has made a lot of men (also women) not develop the way it should have been, for obvious reasons. they sort of stay kids in many ways. thats why kids love them because they play with them as if they are one of them - the thing is - they ARE one of them.
taking decisions is also hard many times, they rather follow what you want them to do, which is not every womans dream.
you have to totally see how your particular survivor is. read about sexual fantasy due to abuse. make sure he tells you about them, he has them, he must be having them.
you also need to train your kids in case of abuse, tell them abuse exists. train them how to react, consider every possible situation and train them to make sure that any potential abuser knows that it wont work on your kids. that is essential.
this again does NOT mean that your boyfriend or any other survivor necessarly abuses kids, but it is something ANY responsible parents needs to do nowadays, as the world is pretty full of perpetrators considering the fact that at least every 4th girl and every 6th boy is abused by statistics. the people who never talk about it are many though, so you can make out the rest.
i really so hope that you end up being fine with what you decide. he needs to really open up to you. its not fair if you dont know parts under his mask and at the same time you are supposed to share a life with him. make sure, things are fair, but also give him the necessary understanding and especially love. in the end thats all everyone wants, also survivors and survivors mostly even more than anyone of us "non- survivors".

those social manners and all, he needs them to be seen as normal. survivors are the best cameleons ever. they adjust to everything thats necessary. imagine you have to walk around totally insecure all the time, you hate confrontation and it scares you a lot, people scare you, the real you in there. so yes, social norms, planned lives, certain ways of talking, not making points clear...all avoiding even getting into a talk with other people. its all part of the plan to be as invisable as possible. at the same time, some drink, use drugs...they dont care much anymore about social norms, the pain is just too great and they cant really live with what happened. sexual abuse brings the whole list of mental illnesses. but if someone really wants to heal, it is usually possible. when that happens, its a hard way, but there are so many positive things found on the way, that its definately worth the journey.

take care,
ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#416646 - 11/19/12 04:31 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Again, thank you ela. I looked at the list you sent and he definitely doesn't display any of those traits. He's never offered or tried to be alone with my kids and I've never asked him to. But I will certainly check out the book that you recommended.

When I initially found out about his abuse, one of the first things I said to him is that he shouldn't have children (this is before I did any kind of research). He agreed and said that maybe he shouldn't. Before all of this I really thought he should have kids because he's such a good person. Now I just don't know...

I know a little about his sexual fantasies and, so far, they do not include children, rather, just the opposite actually...Although, why would he tell me if they did?

I've certainly talked to my kids about abuse in the past. I found out (after I purchased my house) that there is a pedafile living on my street. I told my girls about the house and the person who supposedly lives there (I have never seen him, but his parents definitely live there). And I occasionally ask them those uncomfortable questions about whether or not they've ever been touched inappropriately, etc. So far, so good. I'll definitely continue those talks as well.

It's funny that you say the things about being invisible because he is the opposite. He loves attention and is very open about literally everything in his life, except for the abuse. That is why it was such a shock. I know so many things about him that I don't care to know, but this huge, gigantic thing was there all along. It just freaks me out. I wonder what else could be lurking in there, and do I really want to know about it? Should I be running now?

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#416671 - 11/20/12 01:36 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Here is a read you might find interesting, and that might shed more light on the likelihood (or rather, lack thereof) of your boyfriend being a paedophile:

http://www.taasa.org/library/pdfs/TAASALibrary108.pdf

It discusses the study that forms the basis on which most of the research into this so-called "vampire myth" is based.

Quote:
Although a comparison of the sex offender group to the control group is inappropriate due to the differences in data collection, it is conceded that sex offenders in this study do appear to have a high rate of sexual trauma. That is, until the types of sexual trauma are reviewed. Six percent of the "trauma" involved "a sex-stress situation where the anxiety resulted from family reaction to the discovery of the subject's involvement in sexual activity" (p. 13). Examples given included punishment for masturbation. Three percent witnessed "upsetting sexual activities, usually on the part of their parents" (such as catching them having sex) (p. 13). Eight percent "suffered some sexual injury or physiological handicap" (p. 13). One example cited included a man who had been in a motorcycle accident and was fitted with a penile prosthesis due to erectile dysfunction.

Most experts in the field today would not consider these to be equivalent to the type of childhood sexual assault normally considered in "abuse to abuser" scenarios. If these cases are subtracted, the overall incidence of sexual assault falls from 30% to 13%. Further, "sexual trauma" by a same-aged or younger "assailant" eek occurred in 30% ofthe "traumatized" rapists and 16% of the "traumatized child molesters". No statistical analyses were conducted in this study.

From the data presented, it would appear that sex offenders have a similar or lower incidence of sexual assault by adults than the general population. Not surprisingly, on-duty police officers also appear to report lower rates of sexual trauma than the general population. This frequently cited paper, in spite of its methodologic flaws, therefore supports the exact opposite hypothesis, that is, that abuse does not predict a predisposition to becoming a sex offender. Unfortunately, this fact has not been communicated to many victims of sex crimes (particularly men) who worry that they will inevitably become like their assailants.


(Emphasis mine.)

Do read the full article. It's very enlightening.

When I was younger, I was also told "It would be safer for you to not have children". It hurt like hell, because for years, I believed that I would abuse any children I had. Until the day I tested the facts, and realised that I have never had any inclination to have any kind of sexual contact with a child, nor have I ever fantasised about it. I have had dreams and being a molester, but those dreams were as upsetting - even traumatic - as dreams about my own abuse.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

And I'm a DAMN good father.

Take care of you children and do everything in your power to keep them safe, but at the same time, please judge your boyfriend by the man that he is, and not by what was done to him when he was a defenceless child.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#416729 - 11/20/12 06:35 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
I have to echo what gecko has advised. My understanding is that the majority of those abused do not go on to abuse, but many who do abuse have been abused. These are not the same. In 100 men, 1 in 6 have been sexually abused, or approx 17 men. Of those same 100 men, 3% to 9% are pedophiles or, let's say, 5 pedophiles for the sake of argument. Of those 5 pedophiles, 35% were victims of child sexual abuse themselves. This equates to 1.5 Pedophiles that were child sexual abuse victims. To then determine the rate of victims who go on to abuse, divide 1.5 by 17 and you get 9% of child sexual abuse victims going on to becomes sexual abusers themselves.

These rates come from unrelated studies in the U.S. and rates vary in other countries like Africa where social norms, culture and myths about Aids exist.

With all the above said, statistics are simply averages often taken from small studies and extrapolated to large populations. In short, they mean shit. The 1 in 6 average is used to create awareness and is useful in that context, but averages are fluid and influenced by tremendous factors not considered.

Point is, I think your need to protect your children and be vigilant about teaching them body safe rules is no more influenced by the knowledge that he was abused than by the fact that he may be a brunette.

My husband was the victim of abuse at the hands of 3 perps. One of the greatest stigma that he carries around and impedes his recovery is the myth that he is likely to abuse himself. This myth breeds fear and hurts those victims who are trying to rid themselves of guilt and shame that they are somehow tainted and worthless because of their own victimization.

We mothers must always be vigilant of our children's safety, but paranoia and myths does nothing to protect them. It only confuses the issues and drives this issue further underground.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#416732 - 11/20/12 07:06 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Wrldtrvlr, to address your original question, my best advice would be to try keep this in the open. Express your empathy and listen when he sets boundaries around how much he is willing to discuss, but don't deny yourself a process of healing and understanding. If you love this man and wish to keep him in your life, then you may need to seek therapy for yourself. We can only speak from our own experience, which is validating, but a therapist can truly help you to understand.

Definitely set boundaries around any "acting out" behaviour (like whatever the email indicated) especially if it is hurtful to you, your relationship or to him. Many survivors will continue to abuse themselves with sexual experiences or pornography use because they did not have the luxury of experiences sexual awakening in a healthy, open, consentual manner. Many survivors suffer addictions of all sorts that help them cope, bury the pain or simply punish themselves for their perceived worthlessness.

My husband has gone through cycles of acting out behaviour and the best choice I ever made was to firmly set boundaries around what I would accept within the context of our marriage. I would always love and support him, but I would not aid and abet his self-destruction. I love him too much.

My H quit drinking alcohol 4 months ago and began abuse therapy with a specialist in male sexual abuse just over 2 months ago. After 13 years of marriage, he is no longer saying "he is over it" and he is choosing the steps to find true inner joy. He is getting better at not emotionally detaching, he is getting better with confrontation and he is getting better at communicating. It is such a wonderful process to witness.

Be a good listener, but ultimately you need to take care of you, respect your personal needs and wants and set boundaries around protecting them. I hope he chooses recovery and learns to do these same things for himself.

My very best to you.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#416763 - 11/21/12 12:05 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: crazy gecko]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Thank you for the article. It's a slow read, but I got through half of it today. I almost stopped reading it, then found more interesting facts so I will definitely finish it.

I'm certainly not judging my bf for anything but who he is. He's a wonderful person, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. He deserves me and I'm awesome! smile

Can I ask you about how to deal with him not "being ready" to deal with it? Do I give him time and space, or do I address it? Keep in mind that he didn't exactly choose to give me the information. I practically stole it from him.

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#416764 - 11/21/12 12:18 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Thank you as well, cdndw. I hear a lot about setting boundaries, but I'm not sure what mine are. It's a given that I don't condone and won't allow what I found in the email, but I really don't see any other acting out behavior. He does drink, but not to a point where it's a problem. He smokes occasionally, but again, not a problem.

My biggest problem is that I love him and he can't say that he loves me. He can say that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had and things like that, but he can't say the "l" word. He's "not very good" at emotions, which I see now is a result of his trauma. When my self esteem is low, like tonight, I would almost rather not talk to him because he'll inadvertantly make me feel worse instead of better by the end of the conversation. Do I set boundaries in this department, and if so, how?

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#416767 - 11/21/12 12:46 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: CdnDW]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: CdnDW
Of those 5 pedophiles, 35% were victims of child sexual abuse themselves.

Actually, according to the article I posted above, this number is much lower. The 30-35% is based on "sexual trauma", that includes things like your mother catching you in the act of masturbation and various other things that are NOT CSA. wink
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#416768 - 11/21/12 01:02 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: wrldtrvlr
I'm certainly not judging my bf for anything but who he is. He's a wonderful person, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. He deserves me and I'm awesome!

Excellent smile He is fortunate, then.

Originally Posted By: wrldtrvlr
Can I ask you about how to deal with him not "being ready" to deal with it? Do I give him time and space, or do I address it? Keep in mind that he didn't exactly choose to give me the information. I practically stole it from him.

I honestly don't know how to answer this. Getting help, or even just breaking the silence and disclosing what happened, is a huge step. Me, I had no choice in the matter - my initial treatment was court-ordered. I'm sure if you post a new thread asking this question, others on here will be able to offer advice...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416769 - 11/21/12 01:05 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
That is very reassuring. I can't wait to share that with him.

If he isn't ready to talk about it, is it ok to tell him this information anyway? He told me today that he is dealing with a flood of memories and that its just too much right now. I'm torn between sharing what I think is good news and letting him have some space. Opinions?

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#416770 - 11/21/12 01:07 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Oops, just saw your post, crazy gecko. I'll post it on a new thread. Thanks!

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#416811 - 11/21/12 10:17 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: crazy gecko]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Gecko, this stat came from a study I found, but the actual percent is irrelevant to me. Every study has slightly different findings... Most likely based in part on how questions are worded (i.e. did they specify child SEXUAL abuse versus child abuse / neglect / emotional abandonment as one study that included these types of child abuse had the number up closer to 70%).

The most important part I wanted taken from the stats part of my post is how the statistics boil down. A lot of people, when they hear that if 35% (or whatever) of pedophiles were abused assume this same 35% is applied backwards on the survivors and that a survivor is 35% at risk for abusing. This is simply not how the math works and I just wanted that to be clarified.

Again, the overarching point of my post is the same as yours. I do not believe that being a victim makes someone predisposed to being an offender... I am not saying it doesn't ever happen, but not necessarily because of their own abuse.

Gecko, as you likely know, abuse is about power, dominance and humiliation. These are the things that drive the predator's sexual gratification. This is not a sexual preference. These are not lifestyle choices nor are they driven by socio-economic influences. Perhaps someone who was raised in a neglectful environment may not learn to be the best caretaker for their own children, but this is often due to ignorance... not due to purposeful cruelty. Being a sexual predator is not something anyone does by accident, from ignorance or by environment. It is purposeful and cruel. It is perpetrated by individuals at all levels of society and it breeds in an environment of secrecy, societal fear, and ignorance about the facts. People do not want to talk about this. It is an ugly part of society that people hope will never touch them and they don't want to discuss it in an open, healthy, head-on way with other adults or with their children.

Organizations like MS, 1 in 6, Parenting Safe Children and Voice Found here in Canada are trying to raise awareness, but it is a tough go. Most people only think about this problem after it impacts their life directly. I hope this changes. I am not sure what the legal environment is for perps in various States, but I can tell you that Canada's most recent "tough on crime" changes to child molestation raised maximum sentencing to 12 years. This is a joke! Most only get 2-3 years with allowance for time already served. Really doesn't make it worthwhile for survivors to go through the pain of reporting.

Wrldtrvlr, I have to apologize for hijacking your post. I am very passionate about this and have been known to ramble! wink Please do not feel judged for having these fears. You are still learning and probably knew nothing about this before the discovery of your BF's abuse.

I sense in your posts that you are feeling a lot of guilt about how you discovered this. Please let yourself off the hook for this. I am not saying you should snoop in the future, but what is done is done and it is a positive thing that this is now in the open. Obviously, there was something that you sensed was wrong and that is why you went looking in the first place. Secrecy and even lies are things my H fights in himself daily. He was programmed to do this. His instinct to lie is automatic - even about silly irrelevant things. Whenever he is leaving a store, he has this OCD like compulsion to empty his pockets so no one suspects he might have stolen something. This is a 45 year old professional man! He is just so paralyzed with guilt and shame that it has seeped into many, many unrelated behaviours.

So, how do you get him to talk? I don't think you can. This must be his choice. I am still not privy to all the details of my H's abuse, even after 13 years together. I think as partners who are separate and distinct from each other, all we have a right to expect is found in behaviour. Emotional connectedness, honesty, healthy intimacy, kindness, care and a life without any self-harm, self-humiliating behaviours. My H seemed well adjusted and easy going in the first few years together. Maybe he got a little more drunk than I liked at times, but he didn't drink all the time, so I thought nothing of it. His acting out worsened after we had children. The reality of loving and caring for a child that was as vulnerable as he was at the time of his abuse was very triggering for him. Another trigger for him was hitting 40. Many survivors manage to keep the lid on things until their middle life, then things start to unravel. Not sure why, but very common.

My insistence that certain behaviours end and my openness about why I thought those behaviours existed finally brought my H to begin talking to a therapist. He had tried a number of times to get the behaviours under control without this step, but kept reverting to them because the core issue was never addressed. When he realized he was risking driving me and his children away, he finally chose to seek recovery. I did not threaten or force this choice, but I did set my boundary firmly and let go of the outcome. It was in his hands to decide if he wanted a life moving forward with us or if he wanted to remain stuck in his abuse. I love him dearly, so am thrilled he made the choice he did, but I also love and respect myself and my children's needs enough to have let go if he could not move forward. I remain patient and expect we will still face pitfalls, but as long as the overall trend is upward, then I am a happy wife!

Again, all the best to you Wrldtrvlr.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#416866 - 11/21/12 10:15 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 46
Loc: England
Worldtraveler,

You are indeed awesome. I hope you have now learnt that your boyfriend being a CSA survivor does not make him a paedophile.

In my humble opinion, I think you need to apologize to him for telling him to not have children because his childhood was stolen from him by a vile person(s). You might not agree with me, but if you really love him you need to take those words back and apologize. I think he is a wonderful man as you say, and remember he was only a child, a child who should have been loved, nurtured and protected - but all he got was abuse of the worst order.

About him not being ready to deal with it - it is very difficult for survivors to face up to these things. The demons and monsters are scary and gigantic. What he needs is patience. Let him have some breathing space - he is already feeling choked up with the abuse, and your discovery. I don't know that he could take added pressure of being made to deal. Key thing to remember is you found him out, he wasn't yet ready to confront or deal with these matters. So my 2 cents is to let him be for now, while showing him your love and support, and gently nudge him in the direction of this site. Do it together. Also gently suggest that he seeks a good therapist and see how he welcomes/reacts to that.

Lastly, look after yourself. Be honest with him about your feeling that you had to discover, but also let him know that you understand how he feels. He has come leaps and bounds and he is in a good relationship with you - many find this which we take for granted an extremely difficult thing.

You are a great woman and I think you are both very lucky to have each other.

If you need anything feel free to come on here and ask away! Keep us posted. I wish you happiness and the very best.
_________________________
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

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#416887 - 11/22/12 12:54 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I have been thinking about this thread, and this is what I came up with -
(And I apologise in advance if this sounds harsh, but I want you to understand...)

As LovingMum said, you need to apologise. You told him that he should never have children. Yes, I know that was before you did research, but now you know better and I really think he needs to know that. He deserves to know that. I've been told that too, and it cuts you to the bone. It was one of the most hurtful, most traumatic things ever said to me.

You see, with that simple sentence, you told him - You are no better than your abusers. I don't trust you. No one should trust you around their children. You were right not to tell me, because now that I know, I know you are a bad, evil person. You should never tell anyone else, because then they will also know what a horrible person you are. You are right to loathe yourself - you deserve that, etc, etc. I know this isn't how you feel, but this is very likely what he heard.

Can you blame him for not wanting to talk about it any more?

If you can convince him that you trust him and believe him to be a good man, with the potential to be a good father, he may be more inclined to talk with you about it...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417024 - 11/23/12 04:30 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Not sure if I am doing this correct, but trying to link to a post Ken Singer made on this very same subject on November 20th in the Male Survivor forum. Topic was called "My girlfriend thinks all survivors become abusers" ... Hopefully this works!!

Originally Posted By: Ken Singer, LCSW
If you need more documentation from more authoritative sources, see www.csom.org or www.atsa.com. The info is more research-based than psychology today.

However, the consensus is that a victim does not become an offender in the overwhelming majority of cases of csa. In my 30+ years working with offenders (and I do ask about their sexual histories including victimization), the majority have no experience with sexual victimization done to them.

The analogy I use is that if you went to a drug rehab center and asked heroin addicts if they used marijuana before they went to heroin, the large majority would say yes. However, if you asked the same number of marijuana users if they went on to use heroin, the vast majority would not use it. Being victimized does not make one a potential abuser.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#417641 - 11/29/12 02:31 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
no, if you love him, dont run. help him heal.
but one thing has to be the first rule, honesty! and only honesty!
and regarding your kids: he said it might be better he doesnt have kids as your first reaction was like that. that can mean that he feels he wont be good enough (low self esteem inside there) or it might mean that he knows why its better and that wont be good. the thing is, if you love him, you stick to him. you cant just leave him for something which was surely not his fault. he was a kid, remember! just protect yourself from becoming co-dependent. it happens slowly and fast and it happens to so many women because they totally concentrate on whats good for him. you also exist - never forget that.
if you stay with him, be aware that his face he puts up in public (you said he was very open) might be adapted to what he learned he has to be like to look like a functioning member of society. we all do. but a survivor learns differently as his experience is unfortunately different.
he NEEDS to be honest fully to you and open, so that you know what you are living with.
your kids....they need to be told that abuse is nothing which only a stranger could do. it is also something a person they love could do. i am not saying it has to be him - no way. it could be anyone, from uncle over aunt over father, anyone. obviously not mother in this case smile but there are mothers like that out there, many more than we think.
keep on reading and school yourself on the topic child sexual abuse and see what other abuses might have been there in his childhood besides the sexual abuse.
this link helped me tons to understand. its a bit complicated and you probably have to google a few words, but its worth it.
http://www.csc-scc.gc.ca/text/rsrch/special_reports/shp2007/paraphil06-eng.shtml

i really wish you all the best - heads up!

ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#418205 - 12/04/12 11:20 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone for the knowledge and encouragement. I don't know where I'd be right now without this site.

In some ways I feel like my bf is a textbook example of csa and in other ways...I'm not so sure. He told me when we first met that he has night terrors, which I thought odd, but it didn't really set off any alarms. I think I even told him at that point that he must have suffered something stressful in his life. What an understatement! I haven't noticed any addictions or any overt coping strategies so I have a couple of questions.

I know that healing means something different for each person, but I see a lot of wives on here talking about how their husbands treat them badly while they are healing, or even when they aren't. Is this something I should expect from my guy? He's never treated me badly (outside of being honest and telling me that he doesn't love me), but we don't live together either. I want to continue my relationship with him yet I don't know if I can take what may come in the form of his healing process. I do love him and want to be here for him, but can I handle it? I just don't know. Part of me is gearing up to run. Do any wives or girlfriends have any advice on this? Any survivors want to chime in?

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