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#416575 - 11/18/12 07:16 PM WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Last night I was on the phone to my mum for her weekly emotional support session. She still uses me that way...but not the point of this post. blush

She told me that my 13 year old nephew went on an adventure camp for Boy's Bridage (christian version of Scouts). She was worried because there have been violent storms. I said he'd be fine and at least it would be a real adventure. That was until she said that Jim (not his real name) was organising the weekend. Jim is the friend that my middle brother sexually abused me with when I was 6 and they were 10. mad

The abuse did not happen at Boy's Brigade but all of us boys were in Boy's Bridage and my brother and I dropped out after a few years. Jim went on to be a leader. He quit a few years ago and I was relieved. He also has an 11 year old son. My brother and Jim stopped being friends about 25 years ago (when they were 15) and are pretty much just civil to eachother now. They live in the same town and their boys go to Boy's Brigade together. It is as if nothing ever happened between them sexually. But I know better.

Just to set the scene...this guy is a real sleeze. My wife is a real judge of character usually (except where I'm concerned - love is blind) and from the moment she met this guys she thought he was a sleeze and couldn't stand to be around him.

What the hell is my brother thinking letting HIS son go away with this guy.....My mind is going at 100 miles an hour!!!

Maybe it was just experimentation for them and they grew up to be normal well adjusted men - It is all behind them now.

Maybe my brother is too ashamed to admit what happened because of how it will reflect on him.

Maybe it is a pedophile ring....surely not

Maybe both Jim and my brother have abused their own sons

This just makes me mad mad mad mad
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More than meets the eye!

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#416579 - 11/18/12 08:03 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:03 PM)

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#416584 - 11/18/12 08:28 PM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Don't know where to start. I have never spoken to this brother about the abuse by him - I guess trying to keep the peace or keep the relationship we have or something. I don't think he even realises that I know the other stuff he and his friend did together or that he was also abused by our older brother. So many secrets in my family.....

I don't think I could live with myself if something did happen though.

Maybe I could just say something about keeping an eye on Jim with the boys cause he is such a sleeze. That is something that is universally understood about him.

or is that too piss weak?
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More than meets the eye!

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#416585 - 11/18/12 08:29 PM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Yes, talk to your brother about it. Try to stay calm so that your anger doesn't show through. You're not angry at him; just concerned for your nephew.

It's super weird, BTW, that the US chapter of Boys Brigade has no website (or rather, it doesn't seem to load for me: http://www.bgbrigade.org/), while chapters in other countries have perfectly functional websites: http://www.boys-brigade.org/national_links.php

So... trust your gut. See what's up.

edit: Oops, just realized you're in Australia. So my concern about the US website is totally useless. Sorry.

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (11/18/12 08:33 PM)
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#416586 - 11/18/12 08:41 PM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
NO. Unbelievably NO.

Farmerboy, I read your posts about your self-image after your abuse - it was heartbreaking even in the midst of how good it was to see other people try to reassure you and pick you up.

But there is another potential victim at risk. And as much as you may hate yourself in dark moments - how will you feel if it happens to another kid??

I hate to push - I hate to poke at someone who is hurting, when no one helped you - but you are the only one who can stop this. Confront your brother. Explicitly.

And record the conversation.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#416587 - 11/18/12 08:55 PM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Farmer Boy, please don't keep silent. I paid the price for the silence in my family and my church.
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"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#416593 - 11/18/12 10:34 PM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
webelos Offline


Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 12
Loc: in mountains both in my mind a...
For those of us that were at the hands of men like that at scouts, it would be best to say something - make waves for the others (if you are strong enough). I wished someone else had been back then.
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transition from cub scouts to boy scouts wasn't easy. It was hard to go from the safety of den mothers to the world of men and older boys.

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#416604 - 11/19/12 12:39 AM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Lee, I hate to put pressure on you while you are hurting so much, but you are the only hope of this boy not having to go through the same shit that all of us here are going through...

Please speak up!
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I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#416605 - 11/19/12 12:44 AM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lee

I agree with all the sentiments above. What is the saying, "evil Flourishes where good men do nothing"
You are a good man so you have to do something, Even if you write to the leaders of the boys brigade anonymously and tell them that you are a victim of abuse at the hands of this man and that him being a leader is of concern.
In Australia there is currently a great amount of attention focused on CSA so the time is right for you to do something. They cannot ignore you.

Please dont leave this, the effects on other children is to scary to imagine.

Heal well
Martin
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Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#416621 - 11/19/12 07:38 AM Re: WTF - My Nephew on Adventure camp with my abuser [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I rang my brother. My heart was ponding so hard I nearly hung up before anyone answered. My sister inlaw answered the phone. I like her - we spoke for about 15 minutes and I quized her about the camping trip.

It turns out what my mum said wasn't accurate (no surprises there). Jim was not a leader or organiser of the trip but was there to adjudicate (because of his past experience in Boy's Bridage - to make sure that everything was done right for the boys to get their badges. He did not share a tent with anyone.)

I then spoke to my brother about it all when he got on the phone and he confirmed all that and that Jim is definitely NOT a leader anymore.

On the plus side I spoke to my brother for an hour about just normal life stuff - which was nice.

The problem I have is ...what do I do now. Should I still contact the Boy's Brigade and tell them that I have concerns about Jim ever being a leader. The other thing is he was only 10 when it happened. How responsible was he for his actions back then?

Another problem I have had all day is questioning if I am just overreacting about the abuse in the first place. Maybe they did just see it as experimenting. What happened really wasn't much compared to the other stuff I went through. To me it doesn't seem bad enough.

To be honest I have no idea how to gauge if this was CSA. I'm asking for guidance now. This is what I remember. If you are up for it. Please read what happened and let me know if you think it is worth making a big deal about?

------------------------------------------------------
++++++++++++++++++ TRIGGER WARNING ++++++++++++++++++
------------------------------------------------------
Ok so this is what I remember:

My brother and I were camping at the beach with Jim's family (I was friends with his little sister the same age as me - she was my 'girl friend' at 6 - cute hey). One night us boys went to the shower block to have showers. It was a brick building that was poorly lit and there was a wet bare concrete floor and some benches in the middle of the room. I think they were touching each others privates in the shower and I my own (as normal). They decided to make an anal sex circle between the three of us. I happily joined in (because that is how I had already been conditioned by my older brother). All three of us were standing in a circle. The plan was my brother would go into Jim, Jim into me and me into my brother. But my legs were too short and it was too tight a angle to reach my brother's arse. Also Jim couldn't get his dick right in my arse. So they just gave up. About this time Jim's dad came looking for us - wondering why we took so long. I can't remeber what his dick looked like or what my brother's looked like at that age. That seems odd to me. That is all I remember happening with Jim and myself. There is other stuff that happened between Jim and my brother in the toilet block at school as I found out when I got to high school. Jim was always very inappropriately sexual in his conversations - even at church. I know he got in trouble at uni because he 'fell out' of his shorts a lot. He is a teacher now and I know there was inappropiate behaviour with a female student at a past school.

--------------------------end of trigger-------------------------

Now to me this isn't enough to bad mouth a man who for all I know may be a good man now (even though he is creepy).

Please let me know what you think. I thought this was CSA not experimentation because they were 4 years older than me. But today I feel like it wasn't that bad and I'm just being over sensitive because of the other stuff that happened to me.

What should I do?
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More than meets the eye!

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