Hi Friends,

This is a rambly post, sorry!

Looking for your thoughts and advice and wanted to give an update. Since I've posted last, my H decided to take FMLA leave (job protected medical leave) from work since he was VERY close to being let go. He was not performing due to the CSA issues. FMLA requires that he gets medical help.

We are going into the second week of his leave, and he still hasn't made an appointment with anyone. I gave him some info on EMDR and he thought it was interesting--even said he may do that. But I'm concerned that because my family and I pushed him into taking the leave (thus forcing him to get help) that this won't work. Because it didn't come from him 100%, I'm worried that this won't be effective. Anyone have any thoughts on that? Anyone's H have to ever take FMLA because they couldn't perform at work due to the CSA?

Since he's been home our relationship is somewhat improved. We talk more because he is around more, and he helps a little more. But the same bad habits are still there as well as those days where he is off in his own world (you know, those ones where a bomb can go off and you still can't grab his attention...sigh). Hopefully things start to turn around. Random question: My H keeps our house a complete mess with his hobbies...very annoying and it makes me feel closed in and claustrophobic. Does anyone else's H do that? I always end up cleaning for him and he gets mad, but his stuff literally takes over my living room....is there a reason for this?

So things seem to be on the up, but I'm still cautious. I hope everyone is hanging in there and has a good holiday. This quote I read made me feel hopeful, so I thought I'd share. "Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we are waiting for." Not sure who said it. But it made me feel good because I sometimes wonder why I stick around and deal with this stuff when I get hurt so often. So I'm THANKFUL for little reminders like that.

Hello Rachel,

Not exact but perhaps helpful, my wife had to take leave off her job, not FMLA but no work no pay for her disability. She has a physical disability for which she is now on SSI. Her parents and I "forced" her to take the time off. She was upset and frustrated with us, although she kept it simmering just below the surface. She was afraid of becoming useless and unproductive and those thoughts haunted her. She eventually came around, applied for SSI and was accepted, but it took two years. This was twenty years ago. She grew up "going out" for on reason or another, so being at home is difficult for her, but she is surviving. Sometimes she gets so discouraged she sits in a "house of projects". We counted one time and she had started 77 projects and never cleaned up/finished the first one! Through the entire house one could not step without needing to be careful of stepping on something.

Please encourage him to talk and be an attentive listener, repeat what he says and allow yourself to feel his discouragement and his fear. I recently confronted my abusers and my wife said the most poignant thing to me, "My little girl wants to come over and hold you hand" referring to the hurt little boy she had seen in me after the confrontation. We hurt together and we heal together.

My best to you,
Sam

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I live alone so I don't have anyone to annoy with all my stuff. When I finally get my livingroom cleaned up it is great, but for some reason it just never stays that way. If I have the space it will always get consumed with something. Just too much stuff and too much not completed.

I now rarely work on my hobbies or projects because I don't have the energy to get past the initial interest phase. There is so much I want to do but knowing the ammount of effort needed to complete anything holds me back from moving forward.

I don't know if there are anything common between your H and I. But I get to get away with this as my home is my space alone. I can do what I want. I could/should never be able to do what I do (or don't do) if I lived with someone.

Tell him that it is unfair that he has taken over your whole house. You deserve (and need) to have some control over your environment. All I can think about is the CSA issue of boundaries. In the case of you and him and your house there seem to be none. And he has assumed it all. I don't think the problem is the hobbies that are started and not completed and are accumulating rather than the disregard for the sharing of the space available and your needs.

Angie,
This is really great advice. You have given me a different approach to think about. I always say I'm going to keep a journal of his behavior but I never do. But this sounds good. I am going to keep this all in mind. I'm glad FMLA has helped your H. I'm not looking for miracles with it, but just some improvement. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Candu,
He says he has ADD and that is why he can't complete things. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how many incomplete projects are around my house. He always starts them with good intentions and then they become too big for him and they're just left there. I tell him all the time that this is my house too and I need space. He says he agrees and will clean up but never does. I can't wait til we can afford a home with a basement or garage. But regarding boundaries, I am having trouble setting them. I hear very often from the folks on here that I need to set some. Whenever I try, it backfires because he thinks I'm trying to control him, and because of the CSA he has authority and control issues. Currently, I am a doormat and punching bag. He also doesn't see the patterns that I see. I tell him how every weekend he blows his friends off, leaves me to do things alone with our son, etc. But he doesn't think it is a pattern. He thinks that when this happens it is the first time. Can't wait for him to get help.

This is a GREAT article on setting personal boundaries, Rachel, enjoy! http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

...uhm, "punching bag"!?!! No one is allowed to hit a loved one for whatever reason. Supporters are rare for survivors, and they are to be handled as delicately as our chaotic thoughts and emotions allow, but absolutely no punching! If he is, you need to consider your safety and state of mind, please.

I think (hope) "punching bag" was used in the emotional sense and not physical. But that can hurt as much just the same. My CSA scars are not due to any physical harm.



I would think that would be the case. You for setting them and him for accepting them. I'm sure the situation you have was developed into a normal situation (normal as in established) and trying to change things will seem as a threat or confrontation. While I sympothise with your situation I unfortunately don't have anything constructive to say.

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Hi RachelMac,
I am so sorry you are going through this to. I am a CSA survivor and wanted to mention some things my partner of 13 years made me commit to that helped during my worst times last year.
We sat down and made a contract for each other.

1.Do fair share of housework.
2.Bills
3.We both came up with code words to remove each other from trigger situations. I listened to him when he thought we needed to go or stop talking about something and he respected and listened to me. This was extremely helpful.
4.Do not hold emotions inside
5.Must communicate concerns openly as they arise.
6.I must continue therapy
7.We are a team in life. Do not overprotect each other.
8.Compliment each other.

We came up with these together and signed them and they are both on the refrigerator today. I was on FMLA at the time and I still needed to be accountable. I am in a much better place now. I have always wanted to get better and help others. He has been my rock. But, we can be a handful sometimes. Communication is critical. My cell phone is open for him to look at if he chooses. There is major trust between us. You are an amazing person and deserve the best. I hope this helps, just some advice from this side. I know this stuff sounds simple but when we are going through this it is hard to stay focused and this helped.
Stay strong,
Randy

Thank you for everyone's kind comments. Some really good tips/advice you guys have provided me. To be clear, I meant "punching bag" figuratively. Thanks again!